magic numbers

Lately I've been feeling like things are moving on from their baseless, pointless nature. And I with them.

That said, I am also wondering if it's all just a trick and I will go on feeling so goddamn useless and unsubstantial for [the rest of my life] a long time.

Of course I can't lie and say I constantly feel like that. I forget from time to time. But it's something I return to.

Then I also think that maybe I just don't accept happiness and that I just seek out sadness. Or not even. Sometimes I think that I do the same things as everyone and what I think unhappy is is just normal. Maybe I just want to seem like an anomaly. Lately I also think that people just crave individuality and will do anything they can to seem so. Even feign sadness. Maybe I'm guilty of that.

The image of 'happy' I have in my mind is this absurdly ecstatic, overjoyed person who has everything they ever wanted and is consistently excited about waking up every morning. Happiness for me is often little victories.

What is happy anyway? A feeling? An emotion? Most of the time I think that I'm just 'fine', neither unhappy or happy. But fine has negative connotations so whenever you say that people assume there's something wrong. Maybe that's the problem: people go assuming that fine is wrong and so it eventually becomes wrong.