april things

crossed legs on the train

as if you can somehow make yourself disappear

the more tightly they are crossed

imagining bones beyond flesh

knowing this is what is making us do moving

all I can think is I’m going to Brussels, I’m going, I am

the words in my ear

yes it’s you, you are never on time

other children were taught to breathe

I am unaware of the right technique cause my mother never taught me, we were too busy crying by the front door – never taught to be comfortable in front of a man, only to want him to take care of me, put me in hotels and pay for my silks (code for pills) in irritable tiredness I will kill those who chew gum (I need you silence) give me seven sweet hours on a bus and a namesake city please (the thought that everything is terrible brings a smile to my face) (will I have to wait ages to die of embarrassment) I have decided that here I will smoke cigarettes and develop a taste for aniseed while my dreams fill with snakes, nightly slitherings. I think I will cut the rest of everything in half, if you think you can repair it

hop on, hop off

over the past 6 months it has seemed generally that thought catalog has strayed from posting the things that attracted me to it in the first place, but over the last week there have been some things i really enjoyed

on finding the right place to live
because at the moment i am looking for a flat in london and um it's kinda really hard woooo. the other day i was hanging out with laurens 'chillbro' verdonkschot and he said 'so what prompted this whole europe thing' or something to that effect and it seemed like a pretty legit question. the answer i give is usually something like 'because when i was 16 i decided that i would "get lost in europe" after i finished university'. and so i am here. but, before i left, i had this incredible sense of wellbeing about my life in melbourne. i adored it and felt like i couldn't feel more happy with a place, with my friends or where i lived at that present moment in time. yet i left it all. and so.

how to miss someone
just think this is going back to the good ole tc days. and seems like the second paragraph was stolen from me. i have been away for 3 months and to be honest, it doesn't seem like it has been that long. it feels like the things that happened last year were a long time ago. but in a good way. in the way that makes me feel good about my decision to stay away for a while, because it assures me that the rest of the time will go quickly enough, but that i will still have a good time. most people's reaction to this is 'of course you'll have a good time! you can say you lived in the uk for a while' etc etc. but far away from the things i love and know, i am not sure what people do with their lives. when you can't txt a friend to come around, when you don't know where you're walking, starting to feel guilty and grow anxious when you have no plans for the day. and gradually, it seems less and less like there is a point to making plans, to seeing things, in talking to people, leaving one place and going to another. just wanna live in that one night forever, awake in the trees.

other relevant stuffs, in anticipation of our poetry poddy

um hello, emma cherry
"maybe I am a flood or a ghost / but I've laid your heart out on the front lawn / and here I'll watch him weep"

ladies & gentlemen, vicki tingle
"how do you really 'know' / if you have made a mistake with a bro / when all bros just resemble other bros"

seems link i never read anything of frank hinton's before now, but mega <3 for that story

gabby gabby get it gurl

crispin & ben nailin it

& the other blog post i've been drafting for a while is a giant list of infinite thank yous to people i have met over the past 3 months, those who let me stay with them and so on. sort of magical beings, beautiful people, who i would gladly repay with similar kindness.

i am beginning to think 'f' instead of 'th' and speak sometimes with upwards inflections, it is weird,,,, but that is how the girls speak here and i promise you, i am one of those

list of cultural activities undertaken over the last 2 months

USA
American Museum of Natural History, NY - pretty legit, lots of dinos and animal displays 8/10

Museum of Modern Art (MoMA), NY - where I discovered my love for Monet 9/10

Museum of Sex, NY - lotsa nekkid bodies and porn etc. gettin that lief education 8/10

NBC studio tour, NY - 8.5/10

Brooklyn Museum, NY - went on a 'Target Free Saturday' and people were dressed up in 20s gear to celebrate a current exhibition. big ole reproductions of architecture from different parts of america ie freaky empty houses 7.5/10

Museum of the Moving Image, NY - saw Jim Henson exhibition & lots of old ass cameras/radios/tvs. real legit. also has a white ass foyer. 10/10

Metropolitan Museum of Art, NY - real intimidating amount of things at this museum, only went because spencer madsen told me to. worth it though, saw some cool old armour 8/10

The UN, NY - we had a Peruvian tour guide. he had a real cool accent. he inspired me, Emma and Caz to change the world 10/10

Guggenheim Air & Space Museum, DC - lots of airplanes/spaceships, saw a wright brothers plane. had a supreme hangover whilst visiting, so only like 7/10

also in DC I went inside the Senate, which has museum-esque qualities, and a whole bunch of memorials and things

additionally went to the 9/11 Memorial & accompanying exhibits

Empire State Building at night time - is smaller than it seems in 'Sleepless in Seattle' but a worthwhile thing to do. except for make sure you go at night to avoid crowds. 7.5/10

UK
National Museum of Wales, Cardiff - pretty nice, learnt some stuff about lava and the earth but the exhibitions were kinda old 7.5/10

Quarry Bank Mill, Manchester - seems like it has a lot of money put into it, there were heaps of old machines. it was kewl I guess. 7/10

People's Palace, Glasgow - full of arbitrary exhibits, largely not working. makes up for strange exhibits by being in a real nice building 6/10

Riverside Museum, Glasgow - heaps of touch screens and real nice cars. kirsty got me a lil penny with a motorbike on it. bought a neat tote bag 8.5/10

FL

(belated ass post, sorry jake)

- driving around town a lot, listening to various 90s rnb, but also rihanna and lmfao
- bucky the dog
- hot ass weather (coming from DC anyway), having to buy a new dress from h&m
- first wholefoods experience
- trivia on wednesday with jake's friends taylor (?), regen and her mum, failing at all the sports questions
- watching 3 twilight movies with jake's mum (2 on dvd, 1 at the movies)
- talking to jacob's family about australia
- stealing leftover halloween candy from near the front door
- watching country music channel
- listening to country music in the car with jake's mum
- jewish vibes
- watching macy's thanksgiving parade
- thanksgiving foods: sweet potato pie, green bean casserole and stuffing specifically. mmmmmm

- going out on thanksgiving night and talking to a girl who went to australia, promptly hating her because she said sydney was like america
- lolling at super buff shirtless guys dancing upon a ledge
- feeling strange about people smoking indoors
- going to the beach to make zines and just getting sleepy and walking around a bit
- annoying jacob by not posing/smiling in pics
- walking down fancy part of palm beach, people smelling really nice (read: expensive) as you pass them
- impressive houses in palm beach
- sweaty feet
- making peanut butter cookies with regen at her impressive ass house and eating snacks by the pool
- sunday night poetry reading in boca feat. jacob, me, dave greenspan & gregory sherl. was p bemused by how drizzunk gregory sherl was. thought dave was a genuinely nice guy and swapped some hlm with him
- driving to miami, checking out 'design district' which turned out to be just a long street with a few interior design stores and cafes with valets, but having nice chill tizzimes on south beach watching ferries go out
- secretly letting jacob say 'mates' in a silly way
- getting sick on the last day, forgetting to eat key lime pie =(

london

- british airways having cushy ass seats, wondered to myself whether i had accidentally been put in business class
- always getting seated next to slags on planes
- gasping openly at shit going down in the midseason finale of gossip girl (watched via laptop)
- getting into heathrow at 6.30am, 1.30am ny time, having to spend 1.5 hrs on the tube getting to ellie's place on zero sleep
- spending sunday napping at ellie's
- watching hours of christmas cooking programmes with her nice flatmates
- going to westfield, inc first visit to topshop
- pretzel & smoothie samples
- feel bleak about london being expensive
- hanging out on brick lane with my cousin olly and his girlfriend
- noodles
- help ellie make truffles on tuesday for her christmas dinner with her mates
- expensive covent garden cupcake
- have beer in an establishment with crispin
- get more beers and walk around/across river with crispin
- visit m&m store
- at some point listen to a tim & eric song in the middle of the street to clarify lyrics of 'doo da doo doo'
- ask strangers for cigarettes
- crispin's impressive tesco antics
- ben lives >10 min away from ellie, take wine to his place
- nora the dog
- walking to the park to see if we can see meteors but it being too cloudy so just doing talking
- ~3 foxes in the park
- rolled down the hill a lil bit
- got tripped a few times by bennie, a bit muddy
- falling asleep watching 'i love you man'
- buying an egg & cress sandwich for the bus to somerset, vaguely considered being impressive about it

the met

egyptian art... so refined. my fave is the jewellery
1800s graffiti found via spencer madsen. feel astonished by how much of Egypt's history has been displaced

european art/medieval treasures
ornate italian dip/triptych
feel like i'm just looking at some rich people's stuff, but i do love a good tapestry
i should like a snuffbox, feels real 'gilded'

in contemp. american art some lady says 'i could do that'
feel angry b/c she doesn't understand 'flat colours'

chinese travel poems (asian art)
beautiful landscapes
'rivers & mountains without end'
funny that japanese & chinese artists were doing beautiful, simple & sparse paintings/drawings on long ass scrolls while in europe things became grotesquely gilded & such

[feel so weary / concentration lacking]

flute/oboe, also walking stick, made from narwhal tusk. wtf m8

european paintings... lol u guys, just chill out
yo it's the pearl earring gal

old ass swords, sharp lookin
idek what to look at

hometime - just thought 'tatts me out of here'

brooklyn diary 7 & 8

day 7

this day i woke up, wrote postcards and readied myself to go to the Met. this was an intense decision. the Met is HUUUUUUGE. i knew i wouldn't be able to see it all and remain sane so i decided that there were things i wanted to go see specifically and i ended up walking through assorted exhibits because i couldn't find the things i was after. the trajectory was like this: egyptian art/artefacts, , european stuff (like knick knacks and interiors), contemporary art.. then i got to what i wanted to see: asian art , musical instruments, a detour through european paintings (frankly i got a bit lost in this part) and finally armour and weaponry. saaahhh cool.

then i went back to 3b maybe, i can't remember. yes. i did. i had a lie down and watched parks & rec. then i got cheap ass dumplings for dins. and then i went to meet up with brodie at the union pool. anton and his lil bro oliver came along with oliver's friend ainsley who was actually staying at 3b too!!!! we drank coopers and chatted about various things, then went to kellogg's diner to have late dinner. it was nice to hang out with aussies (and anton's boyfriend). farewells at the train station..

day 8

this was a boring ass day because i walked around looking for presents and a post office failing at both of these things. biggest success of the day was buying a cupcake from a place called 'butter lane' where they were playing jens lekman. and getting on my plane with little fuss.

now i am in england. yaaaaaayyyyyy.

brooklyn diary 5 & 6

5

this was a funny old day, as m'colleague gemma used to say. woke up and it was raining and i didn't want to go anywhere at all but i went for a walk into cobble hill. had a conversation with a lady in by brooklyn, my first one in days. wanted to get coffee and make zine somewhere but couldn't find anywhere i enjoyed so i got the train like 2 stops to park slope and sat in kos kaffe for a couple hours. went to century 21 in bay ridge lol and bought a coat. felt like giving up on life. was super drained from doing nothing at all. had dumplings and a pork bun for dinner, this cost me all of $2.25 whaaat. the lady seemed perplexed when i told her i wanted to eat in the restaurant. came back to 3b and found this book called the 50 best places to find peace & quiet in new york. read that cover to cover and found things to do the next day. had a cuppa. had a conversation with the girl from texas who was staying in the dorm too. nice gal. she used "ya'll" in a singular sense which amused me. more talking. talking feels strange because most of the time i'm alone. but also in the dorm at the moment is a nice italian girl. so we talk about what things we have done each day.

later that evening spencer madsen called me. we arranged to hang out and walked through miserable weather to a pizza place first, then a cool ramshackle bookstore then had a drink at some bar i don't remember the name of and then we went to the brooklyn inn which was super cool. spencer is a nice chap. real good tizzimes. um then i came home and went to bread.

6


another weird day, as i did not feel like doing anything. but i decided i would trust the guide to finding peace & quiet and went to this place called 'poet house'. prior to going in, i had a sit by the hudson river in this nice park, writing some stuff. in poet house they have an extensive library of poetry anthologies, independent chapbooks, literary study books, general interest poetry, poet biographies.. so much goodness. there were heaps of couches and cushy chairs. when i entered the guy was like 'you gotta sign in, oh i like your ring' and i felt happy and he said there was an 'amazing exhibition about emily dickinson' and guess what, he wasn't lying, it was so cool. a bunch of letters she wrote. real things that she touched.. apparently emily d loved to press flowers, and in another book i learnt that there's only one 'authorised' photograph of her. so reclusive.. i read a book about poets/writers and their houses. nice work, poet house.

after this i was hungry and i didn't know what i should do for lunch so i dithered, looked in my guidebooks but they failed me so i just went to the wholefoods cafe as there happened to be one nearby. go wholefoods. i considered doing some other weird activities but ended up going uptown to central park to suss out strawberry fields, which is the john lennon memorial. when i got there, i saw a huge crowd and heard singing. turns out a whole bunch of people just congregate there and sing beatles songs there. i'm sure it happens daily. they are all huddled right on top of the mosaic that says 'imagine', which is slightly inconsiderate i think but i guess beatles fans probably appreciate it. lots of people were singing along with the people who had brought their guitars. it brought a true smile to my face but i couldn't stand it for long and left promptly. my other central park thing i wanted to see was the statue dedicated to alice in wonderland. people kept climbing onto the mushrooms of the statue to get cute pictures with her. i wandered back down to the subway and got a train to soho, where i wanted to check out another thing from my peace & quiet book, a walter de maria sculpture in a gallery in soho. the sculpture is called the broken kilometer, and is essentially hundreds of brass cylinders lying on the ground in this giant ass room, but it really takes you away from the bustly streets of soho. nice.

i went downtown to meet jacob steinberg at the world trade center memorial. we had made plans to do this when i stayed with him at thanksgiving. the site where the towers used to be has been made into this plaza with trees and two giant square fountains set into the ground. these are lined with names of people who died on september 11, corresponding to the appropriate tower - the fountains represent each tower. it was pretty striking at night, as in addition to the fountains being lit, they are building 3 new towers to surround this plaza and one of them is half built and is the brightest tower on the manhattan skyline. and everybody likes a good water feature. jacob and went to the holiday market at union square to have a look round then to wholefoods to grab some dinner. it was nice seeing him again, felt like i had a proper frand. we walked around some streets near nyu and then i came home.

JQ254 CHCH to AKL

got a window seat, never get a window seat because i always have to pee so i choose an aisle seat to be less annoying to other people

as we took off i watched the water droplets moving on the window and as we moved through the clouds i felt nice

below me the clouds are like mountains and i want to spread my arms as wide as they can go and jump out onto them yelling 'woo hooo' really obnoxiously

feel kind of ill as we are ascending and why aren't there any barf bags wth

imagining the plane falling out of the sky and me still calming reading 'selected unpublished blog posts of a mexican panda express employee' by megan boyle

i like megan boyle, she seems funny and cheeky

they are serving shepherds pie it smells horrible

i can feel the sun

always regret drinking coffee before i get on a plane but i never ever learn

bloody hell i am actually in the sky, seems fucking crazy

sitting in the window seat makes me more aware that i am actually in a metal box in a sky but it makes me feel kind of good, like feeling really positive about nihilism or something

lil cloud city, where are the care bears

there are actual mountains below me omg why is the world so beautiful hot damn

i put my headphones on to listen to two sparklehorse songs, 'sea of teeth' and 'apple bed', the lyric at the end of apple bed is

'i will feel the sun

i will feel the sun

i will feel the sun coming down'

a guy sat in the empty seat next to me and ordered a can of pepsi, step off bro

bomb ass window seat

kind of just staring out the window thinking about death a lot, somehow not morbid

air hostesses must struggle to maintain their online presence

just went to the toilet and it smelled like noodles, in a good way idk

i always plug my ears after i press the flush button because it is loud and alarming

remember telling alice and jackson this and alice saying 'what if you flushed the toilet while you sat on it' and i said something like 'butt suction'

shame aisle seat suckas

pj harvey says 'i can be your fog'

looks like i am approaching mordor re: red/black ominous clouds

think the way they say 'mordor' in the lotr films is really funny

could not control my laughter while reading this line in megan boyle's book: 'when i think 'dave eggers' in my head it's in the same tone of voice jerry seinfeld uses to say 'hello newman'

definitely going to download the soundtracks to both the charlie's angel films when i get home

what part of new zealand is this, where am i, i feel concerned

oh we are in auckland now

i have never seen auckland from this angle, lookin' good babe

cool i didn't die

brooklyn diary 4

woke up and dithered for a while. ate raisin bread pudding for breakfast. i like that pudding is a legit breakfast food at 3b. seriously their breakfasts are so great everybody has to stay here if they go to ny. i feel like it is affordable and pretty close to the cit too. wanted to purchase headphones before going on the train to astoria so went to bestbuy in the city and got sennheisers for $32.50!!  (this is more than half the price they are in australia.........wtf). did some other moseying around shops before getting train to astoria. feel like i'm nailin the subway by now thank god. got a slice of pizza for lunch on the way to museum of moving image. astoria seems nice, sorta quiet.

museum of moving image.. i lingered for so long reading everything about how tv technology works (just thinking of that scene from willy wonka the whole time tbh) and looking at old ass cameras and tv sets. all the cameras & tvs looked so beautiful made in wood. i enjoyed that. the museum had heaps of fun activities for kids, you could dub your own voice over scenes in movies and yea heaps of fun stuff. the chief reason i went was because they currently have an exhibition on about jim henson and the muppets. i would have liked to see more actual muppets but i learnt a bit more about jim henson as a guy, turns out he made a few experimental/progressive films in the late 60s (well who didn't) but they showed some clips from a few of them and they were pretty funny. the muppet sense of humour and all that. he also made silkscreen posters and did other printmaking when he was in college. really dug it. then downstairs they had stuff about 'behind the scenes' and there was makeup used in the film 'sex and the city 2' which made me laff. there was also mrs doubtfire's masks, bodysuit and a costume she wore. also costumes from chicago. then there was lots of merch. historic merch from like 1914. crazy. then there were videogames. i played a few levels of sonic. the entrance to the museum, btw, is this really amazing white. the stairs were so white. stunning white. so great. this museum is highly recommended. only $9 if you're a student, but a must for media/comms students i feel. just walked around it thinking 'god i love tv/movies'. left and popped into salvos near the subway before heading back into town.

got a burrito for dinner and chilled for a bit. chatting to new arrivals in my dorm. considered going to a poetry thing in the evening but decided to go to an entertaining lecture thingy about the russian revolution in williamsburg. this was a good idea. it was v funny and reminded me of things i had studied a while back. the final person who spoke talked about the development of the cyrillic alphabet. he knew a lot about language and was pretty funny, but didn't try too hard to be funny. i felt good that i was learning and having a good time. left feeling real stimulated, still pretty on point.

brooklyn diary 3

woke up and GUESS WHAT I'M TIRED!!! ate more tasty breakfast (frittata and apple crumble) and thought maybe i would go back to sleep but decided to battle on and get up and start my day. figured i would go to moma because it's one of the only things open on a monday (most other galleries/museum in ny close on monday just fyi errybody). got the subway to manhattan and felt good about being back in the city. omg australians/melbournians: they are building a pieface on 7th ave just up from times square.. walked past where they film letterman. arrived at moma. free coat check. coat check was intense, rows and rows of coathangers with numbers. key in a number on the machine and then your stuff comes back to you. never seen that before yo. and the art was even more mindblowing.. (see unedited moma notes post) just had such a great time. so many people there on a regular day, couldn't imagine what their free fridays are like. started to get hungry and lethargic and didn't want to spend big $$ on food at moma cafes. left feeling supremely good about life.

decided to walk down 5th. went into st patrick's cathedral to have a sit down as i was v tired from walking around moma for 4 hrs. had a sit and wrote a lil thing in my notebook. felt pensive in the church. it was warm and hushed. people should go in churches more b/c nobody questions what you are doing plus it's pretty kewl architecture and nice lighting. left just as a service was starting lol. stopped at rockefeller centre because there was some big ole projection on a building opposite, i don't remember what it was, probably some department store. it was cool anyway. there was this one bit where the projection matched the windows but then the windows fell away and the crowed went oohhhhh!! the christmas tree in rockefeller plaza was lit up and people were skating below it, and the top of the ge building was covered in clouds. felt christmassy for the first time and generally happy. kept grinning at everything.

went in some stores. saw a really nice jacket in esprit. really wanted to purchase it, but this could be because i experienced the first genuinely good customer service in nyc. taken us 4 weeks to get there!! but also it was an awesome jacket. got the L train to williamsburg with the intent of having awesome meatballs on bedford ave for dinner but figured i should try different food so i went to dumont burger and had a chickpea burger and an irish hot toddy. came back to 3b and did some reading, went to bed. wooooooooo

moma notes

the dream & sleeping gypsy - rousseau (studied the dream)
starry night - van gogh (all van gogh quite beautiful)
georges braque
cezanne (so dreamy, so nice)
matisse
demimoiselles & three musicians (& analytic cubism.. omg)
mondrian
states of mind - boccioni
duchamp lol

kurt schwitter

chagall
4 panels - kandinsky

feel i may weep in front of a monet

russian supermatism
the bauhaus?

really did not anticipate getting this much joy from moma
mondrian...
persistence of memory - dali (aka melting clock painting, totes really tiny)

want to go eat my banana in the bathroom
lawrence weiner, removal exposing wall, reminiscent of art at dear patti smith

lichtenstein
warhol
i still use brushes - aman
'assemblages'

no 10 - rothko
bacon
one: 31 - pollock

beaming when i recognise a painting, full on grinning at art

hanna wilke
literary paintings - marcel broodthaers (conceptual belgians)

i got up at... - on kawara (postcard series)

--

what happened to design in this country? feels like it just stopped =\
love seeing early german/austrian design esp utensils/glasses - can see where today's design comes from

--

andré breton
sol lewitt drawings
eva hesse =)

lol.. wtf is fluxus

brooklyn diary 2

allowed myself a sleep in, ate delicious breakfast of baked eggs and bread pudding (3b... dmw) then got a bus to williamsburg to check out the waterfront flea market. it turned out they move the market under cover during the cold months, to somewhere in fort greene. which is funny cos it's closer to me. anyway it was fine cos i wanted to go to some galleries and hang around w'burg anyway. sat by the waterfront for a while and enjoyed city views across the east river. found myself writing things in my notebook next to some girl who was drawing/writing in a notebook. hope she wasn't weirded out by this. was a super nice day to just walk around the pier etc. wandered back to the streets with a vague intention of hitting up the other beacon's closet location. needed to pee and felt alarmed because usually when we were together, and caz, emma or i needed to pee, we would just hit up a starbucks. i felt like my chances of finding starbucks in williamsburg were rather slim, though i did come across an american apparel. took a chance and went into some gallery and accidentally missed the turn to the exhibition space, ended up going upstairs where there were obviously studios and found a toilet. had to pee in the dark b/c the light wasn't working but overall a successful mission. had late lunch at cubana social. ate at the bar and read my book which is the newest obernewtyn book (will only have relevance for australians) and the cover looks like some dumbass fantasy novel. not that it's not fantasy, but i probably should have stopped reading the series by now. but i need to know what happens in the end! felt amused by eating alone at a place called 'cubana social'. beacon's closet in williamsburg is better.. bought a leather handbag of some brand. went into some 'vintage' stores, general nice stores. really got the williamsburg vibe this time as opposed to last time when i thought it was just a bit bleargh. got the bus back downtown.

had a lie down. felt pretty strange when i awoke. i was hungry and i got a cupcake from robicelli's at dekalb market and i didn't like it as much as i hoped i would because the 'frosting' was too synthetic. walked to BAM to see 'the descendants' which is a film that made my friend caz cry. it was a really good movie and george clooney is still looking mighty fine. if you need to go to the cinemaaahh then this is what you should see because it is both funny and moving. afterwards i got a piece of pizza from a place called 'not ray's pizza'. i walked back into downtown and got a burrito for real dinner and ate it back at 3B. then i read. obernewtyn is getting good. i tried to sleep but there were people in the common room thing watching snl and playing music very late into the night, i don't know what time, and i was too hot in bed so i couldn't sleep and i became anxious that i was going to be tired.

brooklyn diary 1

got up and ate breakfast silently alongside couple from DC and mum & daughter team. felt like i should have made conversation with them but was pretty sleepy so failed at this. decided not to go back to bed despite sleepiness. went to the mall at atlantic ave to look for an ipod cord and some headphones in bestbuy. didn't buy any. walked towards beacon's closet in park slope. bought shoes. checked out various shops in park slope all morning, felt like it was akin to northcote via there being lots of hip looking couples with children. bought 'vintage' looking postcards. had soy latte + banana muffin in some coffee shop then decided to walk towards prospect park. felt happy cos there was some sort of market on at the grand army plaza. felt amused by grandeur of the monuments on the arch. sat in prospect park watching and wrote a letter. it was pretty sunny. kids were playing. i was amused by them. grew cold and went into the brooklyn public library, which is an equally 'impressive' building. looked up some books about jean rhys that i have considered purchasing. read introductions to a few of her books. best one was a collection of letters she wrote. decided to walk back to where i'm staying before it got dark and before i decided to buy things.

had about half an hour back at my place chatting to stacey then went to get dinner at dekalb market. thoroughly enjoyed viewing  various stores in shipping containers, but didn't actually enter  any because they were intimate looking and i was too hungry to pretend i wanted to buy handmade stuff. had some filipino chicken on rice for dinner. got excited because i noticed robicelli's cupcakes have a store there. considered getting cupcakes but instead got mini donuts. went to macy's to see if they had apple stuff because for some reason i really don't want to buy an ipod cord that is not apple (oddly enough don't feel too annoyed with myself for brand loyalty) and seriously considered buying a handbag for ~$70.

came back to b3 and skyped fraser and looked for things to do. decided to go to the brooklyn museum to their late night opening. people were dressed in 20s clothing via the current exhibition, american art of the 20s. there was a big band (not size, like the style yo) playing in a big ole hall. the brooklyn museum had a really varied collection. there was egyptian and 'near east' art. i only looked at the near east stuff (which is like persia and turkey etc) because egyptian stuff weirds me out plus i have seen a lot in my time. then i saw some feminist artwork, stuff by eva hesse and then this giant installation called 'dinner party' by judy chicago which was really impressive and i learnt about different feminist/women who were progressive before feminism was a thing. i kept thinking that my friend gordon would really like it. also that it seemed like a really good date night. i looked at some contemporary american artwork and looked down at the people dancing on the lower level. people were having fun and the band was really good, i was filled with joy. then i went to look at these recreations of early american architecture which became pretty freaky. empty old rooms, totally weird. impressive, but weird. from there i went into this exhibition called 'hide/seek' which was about the way identity and sexuality have been represented in american portraiture. there were a lot of portraits of authors and poets, like frank o'hara, allen ginsberg, gertrude stein, susan sontag and some more. they also had a bunch of those andy warhol screen test films. there were lots of brooklyn-y looking people at the museum and then interspersed with hipsters were people in 20s getup. nice juxtaposition. i grew tired after my day of walking and decided to go home. smoked a cig then got the subway home. watched 2 episodes of snl because i felt sad that it was on and i wasn't able to stream/watch it.

christchurch things

- \mn/ (hang loose)
- singalongs to solid gold fm in alice's car
- led zep
- surf rock
- pulled a hammy dancing to piha rescue
- zine fest rad cool times
- first swim in the ocean
- more bogans than i have ever seen in my life
- log cab livin'
- book fridge (fridge on side of road filled with books you can take, i took 'the ultimate sandwich book: over 700 delicious sandwich creations')
- corduroy
- backwards caps
- corduroy backward caps (!!)
- nice people
- did a poetry reading
- mostly ate bananas
- gin and ginger beer
- salty hair
- synchronized naps
- feeling real real emotional seeing 'the red zone' (seemed weird that it felt like a tourist attraction)
- picnic in the botanical gardens
- pretzels and peanut butter
- getting excited about seeing different types of ducks
- goat puns
- went on a 'zed' binge after seeing the drummer at a cafe
- did a ustream, rocked out to some club bangers
- hot chips on the lawn
- sweet friendship

travel poem #1

my head rests on different surfaces
hitting strange pillows
but full of the same things at the end of each day

nyc notes

times square

feel like there are so many strange (+ terrifying sometimes) people in the world. the feeling of being in somebody else's holiday pictures makes me feel weird. mostly fine but still not fine. not sure. do people even look at their holiday stuff again? ny seems pretty much as i expected.. or something, as i imagined it to be maybe. or seems to be as it should

g train

semi terrified of getting lost on the subway as per what happened when i was younger (note, i got lost on the tube in london). wondering occasionally whether me + [romantic interest] will do marriage. think i could. but i am v young. the announcements on trains here are still humans... i feel comforted by this + at least on this train i can hear them. feel a scary thing about this country is that anybody could be carrying a gun. hm. going to listen to the whitest music i can: coldplay

staten island ferry

feels like it would be an ok thing to do to be a parent, interesting to show them how to be a normal human + manners etc. i will need to have a partner with really good maners i think b/c mine are poor. love seeing how men get fatherly. for some reason this is immensely endearing and pretty attractive.

hunter college subway

'the network effect'. people seem to be combinations of more things here. like obviously there are just more people, ergo more cultures. in australia those things are very new so it's unlikely one would be a mix of more than one nationality.

museum of natural history

just really miss the boys, specific boys. sometimes feel pain because i am missing out on so much love. but museums + the planetarium will have their special effect on me, make me remember how small i am, how nothing. i guess i am someone to some people.. but the world is too huge.. overwhelmed by how much there is to know.

horribly almost daily recount of nyc so far

seems really hard to write enough about my trip so far & only like it will get more difficult

first night i arrived my friends were staying in soho. my face lit up when i saw the city skyline for the first time & getting the cab down prince street i just felt so happy... i was jetlagged and slept while my friends went to broadway. they got back at 2.30am and i was hungry so we went to get pizza. felt overjoyed that this was a possibility. was awesome because the pizza place we went to was playing really cool music like black keys and radiohead, then all of a sudden they played 'in my place' by coldplay which is one of my faves of theirs.

the next day we got a cab to our place in bed-stuy, which apart from being in a pretty rough area (for three white chicks), is amaaayzing and much bigger than the soho flat. we went for a wander around on our first day, caroline got a haircut in williamsburg, then we bought some groceries and made dinner in our place, watched some tv. wednesday we tried to actively go to places in brooklyn but we ended up doing a  more thorough walk down bedford ave in w'burg which was quite enjoyable as it was a fine day. just fiiine. we had lunch at this really cute cafe called egg. i had a chorizo and egg sandwich, while the other girls had pulled pork sandwiches. we have been eating quite well and cheap, i must say. food is pretty cheap, even with tipping, which i am gradually getting used to. that evening we met up with my cousin sam in the city and went to this art opening in noho. there was free champagne. the artwork was really cool, a mix of sort of nostalgia & design. by this i mean there were really well crafted bows & arrows & necklaces & games. we had pizza for dinner at lombardi's.

on thursday we went into the city and did shopping. i bought an american apparel hoodie because i have always wanted one, but in australia they are nearly double the price they are here. we went to urban outfitters. i spent half an hour in a changing room line. that evening i went to have dinner with my cousin at flux factory. once a month on thursdays the 15+ artists associated flux invite their friends/family to come have a potluck dinner and some drinks, then hang around afterwards to hear some of the artists talk about what they're up to. i found this part very interesting. there was a danish guy who had sculpted this log and other wood into a working sculpture with which to make fried egg. a polish guy was making a zine about homosexuality in eastern europe and also researching a documentary about the polish artist natalia ll. it was a very nice thing to do. i got the train back to brooklyn with my cousin's friend meg and then a taxi back to bed-stuy.

friday we did more shopping. you can do a lot of shopping in this city. in the evening we hung out with some friends from melbourne, brodie and anton. they are really sweet and it was nice to see them, catching up about uni things and talking trash about the differences between americans and australians. most people are really nice, but sometimes it's just manners and not very sincere. other times it's sincere. like in brooklyn when we asked people where to go they were always friendly. and when i was trying to get to flux i clearly had no idea what i was doing and these policemen were like "where are you trying to go, miss?". anyway the bar we met brodie & anton at had like a foot of sand on the ground. they instructed us to go up to the manhattan inn. we went into a few lame bars on the way but finally arrived at the manhattan inn which was super cool and what we had hoped williamsburg would be all about. we walked back down bedford ave after a bit of a dance in search of food. emma was pretending that her scarf was an invisibility cloak. we had a lie down on a basketball court halfway back. then we went to this really awesome place called the meatball shop which was so fucking tasty, i think my fave thing i've eaten so far. i really like that you can walk around at 2.30 in the morning and proper restaurants are still open and serving food. when we got back to our apartment the other girls skyped their friend laura in arizona but i had to sleep so i hit the ole hay.

we woke up feeling totally sleep deprived on saturday and struggled to pack up all our stuff for our move to the upper east side. we managed to pull ourselves together and clean up the place. we left our luggage with the nice lady who owned our apartment and went to the brooklyn flea market. this was an enjoyable and easy thing to do when you feel very tired, plus we couldn't check into our new place until later that day. at the market i had some nice food, looked at nice vintage clothes and pretty design things. i bought my mum a tea towel that has brooklyn written on it. our cab driver to manhattan was really nice. he seemed like a friendly family man and pointed out interesting things in brooklyn as we drove through it. everything looks so pretty at the moment because it is fall and the leaves are changing colour.. it's lovely. and it hasn't been too cold which has made for some nice walks around brooklyn & manhattan. after we arrived at our new place we left our bags and went to central park. this was my first time seeing the park and omg it was so kewl. there were a lot of fancy dogs on the walk there, which is inconvenient because my general reaction when i see dogs is like "aww puppy" or "aww doggie" (via stacey) but i can't do this now because it happens too frequently. but it's cute because you see people walking dogs in pyjamas - they obviously live in the apartments really close by and need to take their dog out a couple of times a day. after our little stroll we came back, rugged up and went downtown to take the staten island ferry, which is freeeeeeee. it was really nice seeing the city skyline and being closer to the statue of liberty (miss libs). we had dinner then went back home to watch some sex and the city and chill.

yesterday i met up with marshall mallicoat who is a fine young gentleman. we met at grand central station (which is really freaking awesome btw) then i raced across town to go on a tour of nbc studios with caroline. i got to go inside the SNL studio which made me so excited. the page kept telling us that we were breathing the same air as chris martin because coldplay had performed there the previous night. so cool. all the studios had lots and lots of lights. the halls are obviously decorated for tourists because they have a lot of framed photos of tv shows and actors lining them. we saw the board of controls (or something) which is where they show everything that is broadcast on the network at any given time. they said that if something bad happens to this one on the east coast they have a backup system that keeps it broadcasting for a whole week without power. then we went to the new york public library and sat there for a while but it was closed. marshall came to hang out with us. we wandered around, hung at grand central some more, then went to madison square park to get shake shack, which was pretty tasty, but not mindblowing i must say, after all the hype i'd heard about it. after dinner we went to a $5 comedy show and it was really funny. this was an incredibly satisfying day.

so i have been taking other notes and will try to do more updates but it's really hard because we stay out all day doing things and then get home. sorry friends. i love ya'll

things i am looking forward to

1. my friend ziggy just got back from europe, gonna hang with that kid
2. finishing my fracking thesis (19 days to go!!!)
3. halloween party
4. STACEY COMING TO VISIT
5. having all my friends come to the farm with me for camping and going away type of activities
6. weather getting a lil warm but not too warm
7. going to new york with the darling caroline downes
8. in new york gonna hang out with my cousin who is doing a residency at flux factory
9. um i will be in new york
10. hopefully hang out with young spencer madsen and brodie and anton from uni (and others i guess! email me if you want to hang out with me in nyc)
11. going to washington to stay with carolyn and do more amazing wonderful things there
12. going to florida to stay with jacob for effing thanksgiving, feel pretty amped for this new holiday & also varied experiences of the usa lol
13. then going back to nyc for another 10 days mostly by myself which will be pretty daunting but am going to enjoy it hopefully
14. going to uk
15. work in my auntie's shop for a few days before chrimbus
16. chrimbus/new year
17. at some point hang out with crispin ass best (& various other uk internet pals i hope)
18. this is the part where i don't even know any more
19. kinda started writing this list in an attempt to not be terrified about this part, didn't work
20. um
21. ...........
22. going to find a place to live
23. and a job
24. and be a human being on the other side of the world
25. !!!!!!!!

after I 'put my neck out' on the trampoline

(written at my family farm)

So this weekend I have been fully disconnected. I knew there was no internet at the farm and my sister said her phone didn't work, but I was optimistic that mine might get service. Turns out it doesn't... Which is worrying. So I haven't had any sort of external communication since Friday afternoon. The intent of this weekend, though, was to do thesis without being distracted by the internet. Because even if you disable wireless, you know you can just as easily enable it again and you'll have all the distractions in the land.

Here is a list of the things I did yesterday instead of going on Facebook or Skype or "checking my Google Reader"

- read the book 'A stylist's guide to NYC'
- do all the dishes because my sister is a messy so and so
- go for a walk to the dam with the dogs
- cycle up the road (thought I might get phone service on the highway but no, no I do not)
- have a bounce on the trampoline. can i just say best trampoline ever, giant ass circular one at the foot of the Grampians. Challenge you to find a better trampoline
- start to figure out conclusions to my effing thesis
- learn how to drive a stick
- drive the car around in a paddock blasting Coldplay
- park the car next to the big ole tree that fell down a few years ago, turn up Coldplay so I can hear it real good, and climb said tree.
- feel a sense of serenity
- write some more of dem conclusions
- make pumpkin soup with zucchini and bacon fritters
- watch the film Half Nelson. Am genuinely convinced that Ryan Gosling is the one of the best human being actors in the world. Wish I could text my friend to tell him he needs to watch Half Nelson.

and this morning I woke up and had bacon and eggs, had a shower and dried my hair by bouncing on the trampoline. also I think i 'put my neck out'. then i drove me and my sister to Rocklands Reservoir

the thing is, if that list proves anything, it proves that procrastination is a very strong force and is not dependent on an internet connection.


I have been thinking too, a lot about things. Walking around is good time to think about things. Being at this place.. rife for thoughts. So the deal is that my dad inherited this farm from his uncle Arthur. My dad and  mum kept sheep for a bunch of years before he died in an accident on the farm. We lived at the farm for a bunch more years after that, four or so, then mum was really depressed and it was horrible so she decided we should move into the closest town, Horsham. We kept the farm for a few years, then mum decided it was bad just letting all the land sit there without being used and she decided to sell the remaining sheep we had and rent the land out, as opposed to selling it. So this man Shamus (don't know why he can't spell it the proper way like Harry Potter) and his wife Georgina lived on the farm for the last 7 or 8 years maybe, keeping cattle and planting things, I think sunflowers, on some parts of the land, living in the house. Mum always complained about things they would do to the property without asking, like changing fences or painting things.

After they had been living there past five years she decided that it we would probably need to do something with it, like sell it to Shamus and Georgina or sell it to somebody else - basically had to do something. The thing is, women in my family (we are all women) are incredibly sentimental. We can't let go of things, places or people. So it took mum a few more years to decide. And this year she decided that she would put out a tender on the land and see if anybody would offer to buy it. We ended up selling it to 'tree people' which means that a reforestation company buys the land and they plant trees that are allowed to grow for 50 years, then we could take them down if we wanted to. We didn't sell all of the land, we kept a number of acres (I have been told a million times but always forget) around the house block and of course the farm house, the shearing shed, the machinery shed and a bunch of old shacks where shearers used to live (these are called Shearer's quarters).

So that is where I spent the weekend. My sister has a lot of anger towards the things that Georgina and Shamus did to the place while they were living here. There are some things that I agree with her about but I am not as menacing about it as she is. I think she has a lot of things she hasn't dealt with regarding our youth here and our dad etc. For a while I thought mum should just sell it all and get rid of it, because when we talked as a family about what to do with the farm people would end up crying and yelling at each other and nobody would decide anything. I just figured maybe we would be better off moving forward and having this part of our life be a memory.

This is something I have considered while I've been walking around. Mum is actually from the UK and emigrated here with my dad. I keep thinking about how amazing it is that throughout you can just be born and be anybody, then you can meet someone and love them and move to another country, then you are a part of what they have there, what they have created. It becomes yours.  So this is why it has never been easy for mum to make a decision about it. I think that other people might have reacted to the situation differently, but because we are sort of tied to this land by my dad and his family.. and we are sentimental womenfolk.. it took a while. And if you come here... it is so beautiful, and you understand why it is so hard to let go of.

I just think it is incredible that you can be born to be anybody and then life unfolds in this unexpected way and it's terrible but beautiful at the same time. My sister is living in the farmhouse which I am sorta skeptical about at the moment, just because she has so much stuff and it has already spread out into all the different rooms of the house. As I mentioned earlier she can't let go of anything - we are hoarders - and she's just got all this stuff.. And I know I'm pretty much the same which is alarming. People walk into my room and say "you've got so much stuff". I am glad that I am going away so I can downsize and have less stuff, just become more mobile. I think this encourages an understanding of the temporary nature of life, letting go.

In some ways I'm leaving to get away from this confusing part of my life, these memories that have been weighing on my entire family for over 15 years, finally being fully acknowledged, in a way. Although I would kinda like living out in the country, keeping a garden and having chickens and riding a bike around everywhere and playing with dogs and bouncing on a trampoline, especially as it gets warmer. I just can't imagine myself not moving forward and doing my own thing at this time in my life. Being in the city I think... man this is a big place. Then you travel four hours away from the city and you still feel the same way. The whole world is fucking gigantic.