feel bad

realising that my personality is like a vegetable and a german phrase that i always think of in everyday life

standing in front of the microwave
thinking about a VHS of To Kill a Mockingbird
that I watched in year eight
this microwave belonged to my housemate's family
it was their first

eggplant is my favourite vegetable
you need lots of oil to make it taste right

I took my family's first microwave
when I moved into my first flat
it took up a lot of bench space
it stopped working

if you don't cook eggplant enough it tastes like sponge
my music teacher used to call me a sponge
I thought this was nice because it meant
I knew scales and remembered
little things she told me about dynamics

but now it means that people tell me lots of stuff
and I absorb it
I don't know where other peoples stuff ends and mine starts
maybe that's too dramatic but it was that true for piano so das stimmt hier?

can never remember whether woollen has two ls

it is raining when I get off the train
but it's cool, I have my cardi
I wrap it around myself like a nonna
I have the urge to cry very hard
but I stop myself because
crying won't make anything matter any more
it won't

I left my umbrella at my friend's place
this is why I am a nonna tonight
my cardigan is woollen
it will start to smell
and this doesn't matter either

a sad or hopeful song comes on my ipod
this makes me want to cry more
but I don't because
my cardigan is dewy
tell myself remember to write down that
crying won't make you or me
more important

want to cry more because reminding myself
is sad
and also pointless

so are your reassurances

at home I put on more sad music
or is it hopeful too
I have not cried yet