30/07/12

sitting on the floor of my room eating 'cheesy aliens'

today i walked down the main street of the city and it seemed like i was in a movie montage, if the movie montage showed dumb girls wearing beanies feeling sad yet strangely empowered

the city is a good place to feel lonely
but really, anywhere is

i remember feeling the most alive as i looked at the wild sea through a bus window

i pushed my emotions somewhere into the periphery
they sink beneath the sea

i don't know if i had ever seen the sea that colour before
or if the colour even has a name

i am interested in the things that cannot be named

all i know is that the waves spat at the rocks its heavy foam
and i watched as it sprayed upwards
the waves are so tiny now
all the tiny little waves

sometimes feeling fucked is okay
the recklessness that it entitles
i look forward to that

"there's nothing inside me you need to know"

i found a note about a dream i had:

found a patch of grass by a river, it was beautiful
we wriggled into the water and the waves hit us
the water felt like air, nothing had texture
i felt afraid

i'm too tired not to be with you
but i think that's a quote from a movie

i forget what i love all the time

+

- mittens
- tempeh sandwich w curly fries from sweet mothers kitchen
- tea
- sleeping bag
- wellington
- alice, eamonn, hamish, jono, maddy, meredith, hannah, jackson
- people from christchurch
- soup
- 1Q84
- iphones
- vacuuming
- woollen socks
- takahe
- kaka
- vege nachos
- beanies w poms
- natalie chin
- minimizing
- these poems by richard brautigan: karma repair kit: items 1-4, map shower, your catfish friend, love poem
- silence

a little life bloge

last night me and my flatmate ashleigh went to do yarn bombing for the first time
it is very serious and fun
i suggest you try it
we are going to do it more with other textiles

in other news it finally got hot in the uk and i am watching true blood

18/07/12

talking to susie on gchat
saying we want to cry because things are weird
can we hide under this table

i tell her that i feel like the soggy bits of biscuit left at the end of a cup of tea

the other day my friend was talking to me about 'lifefriends' and she told me that i was one of hers

i told her she was one of my 'lifefriends' and i meant it

susie just said 'i love knowing people'

eating chocolate in bed now with my laptop on my belly
this is my version of the fetal position

it seems like we are always asking each other if we feel bad
do we feel bad

feeling good or bad seems to have little to do with being alone and everything to do with just being

i like the kind of sadness i feel whilst i am driving and listening to mix cds that i made a year ago

i don't remember noticing the sky today
i know it was blue because i wore my sunglasses
i felt sunshine and cold

i wore my black jeans with the hole in the bum, a thermal, my grandma's old jumper, my maroon beanie

i probably wear my maroon beanie 4/7 days a week on average
the hole in my jeans is getting quite big now

i think i am tired of talking about love

who cares what it is
we feel it and that's enough

the best things are usually contained in our silences, anyway

okay gonna eat this hokey pokey chocolate bar

london, being sad, reading

for a while now i have wanted to do a blog post about the things i miss from back home or like generally write about living away for this long
i am a lazy writer and i don't know what to say anyway
occasionally i think that london is kicking the shit out of me, i wake up and think that a few times a week, usually going down the same staircase at clapham junction station where this morning there was this aryan type boy selling greek yoghurt
the best part of my life for the past month has been sitting by the river in twickenham across from this island called 'eel pie island' and hanging out near hundreds of geese, a few ducks and some swans
although last weekend it was crispin's birthday and kirsty and stephen came to visit and i felt overwhelming amounts of affection for them all, i think it occurred to me how i will actually miss something about here
because for basically the whole time i've been here i have felt mostly miserable, and generally i figure this is the most miserable i've been in my whole life, but i'm not sure whether that's because i've finished uni and i guess i'm meant to just work now instead of getting more knowledge (or whatever i was doing there)
but then it seems like maybe this is just what the rest of life is, trying to find a nicer job and trying to not be sad about the way that the weeks consistently unfold, (that great gatsby quote "so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past"), or not being with the people you love, or not knowing who it is you love, trying to be a better version of yourself, running out of time, not having enough money, i guess that's pretty much it, feels sad to be constantly aware of that

i have been trying to read a lot more as a way to get away from this and also to try and find inspiration to write in a way that i don't hate (it is difficult to not hate what i am writing right now)

things i have read: a book about a pedophile, a book about two weird sisters who killed their entire family, a book of essays about 'home', a book about broken hill (mining town in australia), a book about a japanese lady who moves to england, a book about some rich teenagers who accidentally kill someone then have to kill their friend to cover it up.

it's silly because i always accepted that this year i would just have no friends, no money and be lonely a lot and that i would read more books than i had in a long time, which i guess is what's ended up happening.

there are some small beautiful moments in london life, like getting 2 buses home because trains aren't running and seeing the ole olympic rings on tower bridge, every time i go past the shard i think of crispin yelling "the SHARD" in a drunken state, walking through crystal palace and seeing the london skyline all lit up and nice, hearing people talking on the bus is funny to me.. and i sort of like the weird routine of seeing the same people waiting for the 8.43 train at gipsy hill, the reliably late south west trains, getting coffee from australians at the clapham junction pretzel place, making up dumb songs with my flatmates who are the only reason i am still alive here today, getting to know properly what a welsh accent is, taking people to see the dinosaurs in crystal palace park

i wish i could stop being incensed by cath kidston

i guess these things aren't interesting(?)

i wanted to blog for a while about some more cameos in my life, like people who i have worked with this year, i think that will be the next post that i do ok

winter 2012

05/07/12

you pick chip crumbs off my jumper and then eat them

a lot of the time i think intimacy is just about dumb things like that

i just want pasta & warmth & you

remember you saying that i don't give a fuck about anything
and i said yeah, but i give a fuck about you

my friend told me that i didn't believe in anything but love
i said yeah

there is talk of spain, canada, london, new york, anywhere but here

days&days&days&days

i feel surprised at how easily someone else's life can merge with my own
it's as easy as opening your duvet and letting a warm body inside

sneezing is a lot like having an orgasm

getting used to someone holding me tightly in the night but i won't have that soon

it's annoying because i was fine sleeping alone before, preferred it even

whenever i lose people i think

at least i still have myself
when will that ever feel okay

i'm tired and my hair is weird

these are the things that a trumpet solo in a bright eyes song creates

today it feels like a real shame that other people have to see me
when i look into a mirror i am imagining my skeleton instead of all the flesh and other bits on top of myself
there's a heaviness that starts from just underneath my eyes and goes all over my limbs and right down to my horrible horrible feet
i'm imagining a lot of viscous black things, walking into the earth down tunnels to large pools of tar-like substances, miscellaneous coloured air swirling in an ominous way
actually i am lying on my bed staring at the ceiling leaning to one side wondering if i should go see if a flatmate is home, maybe if we get stoned together i will feel better. or if i go to the shop and buy wine... but i am in pyjamas.. why did i decide to stop smoking. i want to eat but i really don't
this day consisted of forgetting, mostly
i have developed the ability to sit and stare into nothing and just touch different parts of my face occasionally
i love how some people feel really entitled to depression
in the last ten minutes i have seen three different cats outside my bedroom window and forgotten about good posture approximately five times
one of the things that i am obsessed with touching on my face is my eyebrows, i am obsessed with their appearance and i generally feel terrible if they are not seen to every 2 days or so
i genuinely feel that there are no organs in me, that i am just an abcess who's somehow grown features
that my body is just flesh that has been moulded into a person over time, thanks to the encouragement of a few clothing items
actually i did not wear a bra until i was 15 or probably 16 even though i knew i was meant to
i asked mum for one through a note one day, to this day she has only ever bought me 1 bra
just trying to think of things to do instead of eating but i am vaguely hopeful that eating will elevate my mood or at least a cup of tea might
i feel spoiled like in the egg way not the other way