18/10/12

it seems like i don't really have much ambition as a writer, i don't feel the need to 'make it' and i'm not overly concerned if a lot of people read my stuff. i don't really like to market myself because it makes me feel uncomfortable. the main thing i want to do with my writing is, first and foremost, to express myself in a way that for many years has been a compulsion, and in terms of audience, i want to form meaningful relationships with people through my writing. for instance, i have really admired natalie chin's writing for a long time and i now have the pleasure of living in the same country as her and we are becoming really good friends. i have 'dated' people who write and who have written about me in a public forum, and that's fine for me, to a certain extent. to do the kind of writing i do, and to share it with people, you learn to be unafraid in this way. because as closed off as i can sometimes be in person, i can be the complete opposite when it comes to writing. writing has taught me to be constantly aware of my surroundings, emotions, relationships, and in writing about these things i receive some kind of gratification almost instantly, and then possibly more if i post it somewhere and see that people like it. it's an exercise in weightlessness

also been thinking about the internet a lot, i'm not really into narcissism and how the internet seems to feed into that, and that's something i'm working on too. although i do like some things about the internet, like how other people on the internet feel a lot of the same things as me, although it's probably bad because we validate each other's shittyness, but sometimes i need that

the other day we were talking about how we don't like people who aren't cynical but we are probably just assholes.

things i care about: bad bitches, cups of tea, watching the leaves change colour, beyonce and cats

all i want is for someone to actively give a shit about me

every day i walk through the woods up the road from my house. in england right now it is the 'two jumpers and a beanie' kind of cold that i like. when i am walking i notice the light coming through the trees. it is something that just exists without any effort, something that i cannot touch yet seems tangible. you can only see the leaves falling if you are standing still, this is the same with a lot of things, you need to stop, take your headphones off and just be in it. there are all of these things we do to distract ourselves from whatever is going on, it seems like i am always doing this

already, i am tired of thinking about the same things, the same people. i am so fickle in my emotions, going from one thing to the next trying to find whatever meaning i can. scared about the times that you will not be here, but as always regardless of who or what there is, we keep moving forwards, not even necessarily because we have to, but because we should and we can

4/10/12

it's a cliche to want what you can't have which is why that's annoying. also annoying that i find apathy so attractive. the most important thing about you is skin, then disposition

i like walking around south london by myself and feeling awkward on the tube. i have no idea why but it makes me feel good. i'm afraid if anyone even slightly dislikes me, but at the same time i don't feel eager to please. afraid of feeling alone not being alone. afraid i will spent my life looking for a certain kind of love and never finding it. where are you

seems like i have achieved a new level of apathy, feel v pleased with this, paradoxically. the other day my boss said i had a 'quiet assuredness'. i mean sure i guess so

don't feel attractive when my hair is tied up at all. dislike how dry my hands get. never grow my fingernails long. always wear a watch

keep wondering if the guy at waitrose was flirting or just being nice to me because i was a customer. i don't know how to respond to flirting. think i responded by turning red and then dropping my coins all over the floor. in some ways i think i am the same as i will ever be. god does that even make sense i am so tired. it is late at night i'm sitting in bed feeling sad downloading sexy rnb music

find myself thinking at least 3 times a day how weird the band name 'dashboard confessional' is, like what does that even mean. so stressful

one afternoon susie and i sat in a park drinking cider and talking about where we wanted to go in the world, what we wanted to do. we watched all the squirrels running around in the park. we felt free, unattached. i love susie. in a way that is just so familial and intimate. i like to be able to have friendships that are more like that. i like inside jokes a lot. think i am secretly funny. not sure. maybe not

constantly have drake lyrics stuck in my head, currently: 'how did a pile of kush become the mountain of truth/how did a bottle of wine become the fountain of youth'. somehow i always read something meaningful into really stupid rap lyrics

hang on a second just want to check my facebook. okay great that was fantastic and useful and life-affirming jk

just heard that it was raining outside. made my tummy do something funny

i don't know what this is, as i am writing i feel as though it will not take form, like i am typing these words into air

i am typing these words into the air and my macbook materializes underneath my fingers

3/10/12

must remember everything, thoughts feelings, recurring, what you love, what you don't love, who you are, who you aren't, anxieties, heart palpitations, all the sounds that a house makes, reflection, never saying 'i love you', what does it mean, word documents, finally knowing now, the idea of you, everything instinctive, audible collar bones, warped windows, zipping up my jumper as i walk through the woods, these tiny details of a life, autumn air, the moon but who cares, lost loves, coffee cups, "the gentleness of the abyss", songs that remind me of you, i want to be more like them, the secret fears i hold inside of myself, can't wake up, fuck love poems, but you know that don't you, mirrored mannerisms, as many days as i can remember, hoping for blue sky, holding hands because we are tired and high, kindness, never stops, whatever we want whenever, gchat noise nostalgia, ritualistic, always somewhere, breathing, feeling calm on the london underground, nausea, finding, thanks but i don't care, less and less every day