18/10/12

it seems like i don't really have much ambition as a writer, i don't feel the need to 'make it' and i'm not overly concerned if a lot of people read my stuff. i don't really like to market myself because it makes me feel uncomfortable. the main thing i want to do with my writing is, first and foremost, to express myself in a way that for many years has been a compulsion, and in terms of audience, i want to form meaningful relationships with people through my writing. for instance, i have really admired natalie chin's writing for a long time and i now have the pleasure of living in the same country as her and we are becoming really good friends. i have 'dated' people who write and who have written about me in a public forum, and that's fine for me, to a certain extent. to do the kind of writing i do, and to share it with people, you learn to be unafraid in this way. because as closed off as i can sometimes be in person, i can be the complete opposite when it comes to writing. writing has taught me to be constantly aware of my surroundings, emotions, relationships, and in writing about these things i receive some kind of gratification almost instantly, and then possibly more if i post it somewhere and see that people like it. it's an exercise in weightlessness

also been thinking about the internet a lot, i'm not really into narcissism and how the internet seems to feed into that, and that's something i'm working on too. although i do like some things about the internet, like how other people on the internet feel a lot of the same things as me, although it's probably bad because we validate each other's shittyness, but sometimes i need that

the other day we were talking about how we don't like people who aren't cynical but we are probably just assholes.

things i care about: bad bitches, cups of tea, watching the leaves change colour, beyonce and cats

all i want is for someone to actively give a shit about me

every day i walk through the woods up the road from my house. in england right now it is the 'two jumpers and a beanie' kind of cold that i like. when i am walking i notice the light coming through the trees. it is something that just exists without any effort, something that i cannot touch yet seems tangible. you can only see the leaves falling if you are standing still, this is the same with a lot of things, you need to stop, take your headphones off and just be in it. there are all of these things we do to distract ourselves from whatever is going on, it seems like i am always doing this

already, i am tired of thinking about the same things, the same people. i am so fickle in my emotions, going from one thing to the next trying to find whatever meaning i can. scared about the times that you will not be here, but as always regardless of who or what there is, we keep moving forwards, not even necessarily because we have to, but because we should and we can