remembering when i could open my window from my bed, reach outside and return with handfuls of jasmine

feel like i am much too nostalgic for my own good

thinking about the last times i cried

i cried a little last night out of exhaustion and illness

i cried when i was drunk and my coat and iphone got stolen

people hugged me in the smoking area of ‘da club’

one of the times i vividly remember crying is sitting in an empty room in a flat in wellington

we were both crying with our faces close together and we were not afraid to cry because there were worse things to be afraid of

like not being together

feel unable to express certain things, uh, even feel unable to identify what i can’t express

seems like everyone likes coke or coke zero or diet coke except me

i hate it when people smoke and the smoke hits my face but if you did that i would say i don’t care and maybe i don’t when you do it

in the night i woke up from a fever and felt v worried about nazis, feel delirious 

tonight for dinner i ate steamed broccoli and courgette, and for dessert i will eat 1x reeses peanut butter cup

people want to know what other people eat right, that’s interesting right

i’m not saying i want all of it, all of the time

because there is nothing that i want that bad

but if we’re talking statistics

you can have 99.99% of me

i mean i will try anyway

10/12/12

i hate it when other people tell me what i'm supposed to feel
i feel whatever i feel
sometimes you still have to apologise for that

i've noticed recently that i say sorry for almost everything i do
i think it started as a joke

i feel very british sometimes
but i like british people the most i think
i like that they say 'erm' for 'um'

i can't relate to people who aren't self-deprecating
not even that i think
it's humility
mostly i just want people to be chill

anger as an emotion interests me because it seems foreign
i often think that i skip a lot of emotions and go straight to sad

the last time i felt genuinely angry was when i was listening to a man talk about anti-abortion on the radio

i guess we've been talking about how we tend to internalize emotions
which is why we do what we do

the other night on the bus journey home i felt it
my emotions only run in one direction
i felt my body wanting to be smaller
wanting to retreat into myself

but then ben kept saying something about me pooping out livia's house keys and i was laughing
so i forgot about that and how much i needed to pee

and in the pub our faces seemed unusually close together, you said something about a sphere and i wish i could remember

today i was on the tube squished in between lots of strangers and i felt happy, i felt like myself

london is a city that i feel truly good to be in
walking through soho at night time making eye contact with people i feel so unafraid

i felt this again walking through the pitch darkness
up the driveway towards my house
i liked the absoluteness of it

i made this list and i'm not sure what it is

frosts
sleep as a physiological need
not made for winter but trying
kicking frozen puddles
what beautiful things are there
eyeballs (?????)
when do intangible things become solid
growing a thicker skin because of the cold and other things

been thinking about love/relationships

what i am afraid of the most is not being my own person
i don't want to have to rely on other people for things, it is easy to do that
but it's better when i do things for myself

i suppose one day i will meet someone and it will be like i am just myself and we can be alone together

i don't know if that will ever happen my whole life but i will keep looking always

i fall in and out of love

review of 'baby babe' by ana carrete (kind of)

i read baby babe when i took the 3 children i au pair for to soccer/football one evening

sitting on this wooden bench thing in a brightly lit gymnasium

balls keep flying past me and sometimes hitting me

once a ball hit the book right out of my hands and landed half a metre away from me and now it is kind of bent
i felt embarrassed when that happened and looked at one of the other mums and said 'uh ok' and she laughed

kept looking up from my book and looking at one of the coach's powerful thigh muscles, unsure if i found it attractive or not, possibly not, sexy sport guys..

took me a while to read because the kids kept wanting me to watch them play, and i felt bad about kind of ignoring them, but you know

i noticed how whenever tom missed a goal, he would get upset and zac, from the other side of the gym, would yell to him that is was okay and that he was doing well

that kind of made my heart swell up with love

i liked:

"some people think
they're so funny
shit
i'm just like whatever
when i walk around"

"i want my poems to be clouds

and whenever balloons escape a child's hand
i want to be able to push them back
to where they belong"

"i lick things and pretend
everything is fine"

during the break JJ sat on my knee and drank water and then got off and hugged me and then hugged me again

sometimes i would be reading a poem but thinking about you
so i would have to read the poem again
that kept happening

felt emotional at a few points, thought i was crying a lil
i might just be hormonal (?)

somehow i got chocolate all over the spine of it

kept hoping the people sitting near me did not see key words like 'cunt' or 'dick' or 'semen'

this book made me think a lot about penises, but not in a sexy way

idk how often i legitimately think about penises in a sexy way, are we meant to

i liked that ana seems to have a very particular and consistent style

i can imagine her writing these poems while sucking on a lollipop

i liked this book

for a good time

on the train home i was thinking really stupid metaphorical thoughts about eggs like how i thought maybe our minds were once the same egg but some idiot wanted eggs and now we are 2 halves broken apart from each other and then something about how the yolk .. what is the yolk .. i couldn't work it out .. then i walked past a sign and i misread it to say 'dancer: 1500 volts' and i figured it was a good tweet for later then i was dancing in the [new] carpark outside victoria park station which has made the walk home from the station even shorter but more danceable .. i guess earlier in the night i said something dumb like if i got knocked up i would probably keep a baby and all the boys inbetween their farts seemed really alarmed and i guess we all know that i wouldn't be able to stop drinking enough to keep a baby alive inside me imagine not drinking for nine months if that's my biggest concern i shouldn't be come an accidental mother wouldn't you agree

i just read ashley opheim's poem on shabby doll house and there are some lovely parts in it, notably:

give me another century in your eyes, they are somewhere
i never knew existed

then i just realised she is one of my fave twitter accounts omg i am such an idiot if you don't follow her already get involved @hologramrainbow

yesterday i spent 4.5 hours with my hands in meat because that is the job that i have now and it's cool, i'm gettin paper .. while i am working i just try to think of tweets for later in a maggie lee sort of voice because i remember enjoying her blog posts about when she worked as a pizza delivery person

i woke up this morning dreaming of the opening scenes of aladdin, it seemed to me like i was jasmine and falling a lot but bouncing off extremely tall tents of jewellery in that chase scene after she gives an apple to that child because aladdin didn't come to my rescue 

on friday there is a launch of the voiceworks issue that i am published in and it is also the express media awards extravaganza and i will be attending, so will john marsden but i think we are arriving separately .. so don't look for us together, but do look for me ..