10/12/12

i hate it when other people tell me what i'm supposed to feel
i feel whatever i feel
sometimes you still have to apologise for that

i've noticed recently that i say sorry for almost everything i do
i think it started as a joke

i feel very british sometimes
but i like british people the most i think
i like that they say 'erm' for 'um'

i can't relate to people who aren't self-deprecating
not even that i think
it's humility
mostly i just want people to be chill

anger as an emotion interests me because it seems foreign
i often think that i skip a lot of emotions and go straight to sad

the last time i felt genuinely angry was when i was listening to a man talk about anti-abortion on the radio

i guess we've been talking about how we tend to internalize emotions
which is why we do what we do

the other night on the bus journey home i felt it
my emotions only run in one direction
i felt my body wanting to be smaller
wanting to retreat into myself

but then ben kept saying something about me pooping out livia's house keys and i was laughing
so i forgot about that and how much i needed to pee

and in the pub our faces seemed unusually close together, you said something about a sphere and i wish i could remember

today i was on the tube squished in between lots of strangers and i felt happy, i felt like myself

london is a city that i feel truly good to be in
walking through soho at night time making eye contact with people i feel so unafraid

i felt this again walking through the pitch darkness
up the driveway towards my house
i liked the absoluteness of it

i made this list and i'm not sure what it is

frosts
sleep as a physiological need
not made for winter but trying
kicking frozen puddles
what beautiful things are there
eyeballs (?????)
when do intangible things become solid
growing a thicker skin because of the cold and other things

been thinking about love/relationships

what i am afraid of the most is not being my own person
i don't want to have to rely on other people for things, it is easy to do that
but it's better when i do things for myself

i suppose one day i will meet someone and it will be like i am just myself and we can be alone together

i don't know if that will ever happen my whole life but i will keep looking always

i fall in and out of love