friendship cameos in my undergraduate degree

1. Country kids who lived in the student apartment block I lived in
When I didn't get into the Melbourne uni college I wanted, things seemed dire as heck. Scrounging around for alternatives, me and my sister ended up living a few streets apart in 'Student Housing Australia'. It was horrible. I lived in a shoebox room and most of the other tenants were quiet asian types. (Sometimes I would be woken up at 6am by the sound of pots and pans being thrown and very loud screaming..!) Though this was a good exercise in living alone, I was overjoyed when I ran into a girl called Laura from Benalla in the lift one day. She had made other friends, Alice and Tim. They all went to RMIT as well, though Alice never went to class and seemed scatty as all hell. One night we decided to go on an RMIT pub crawl as a building. I went along and learnt about those games where if someone puts a coin in your beer you have to scull it. The next day Alice woke up and she had a sore throat. She said when she swallowed it felt like there was something in there. Laura drove us to the hospital and we were in emergency trying to convince the doctors that a possible coin in the throat was worth skipping through all the people with gaping wounds or broken limbs. Alice had to go home to her parents and she didn't come back for semester two. I used to get group texts from Laura saying things like 'happy easter' or 'merry christmas' but I think she has probably deleted me from her phone by now. I think Tim ended up getting into a college.

2. Lindy
I don't really remember how we fell into the same crowd, because we never had any classes together, but for my second semester my 'bestie' at uni was a French Canadian girl called Lindy. She'd done a year of exchange in Geelong and ended up in Melbourne. She lived in an apartment about a twenty minute tram ride away from me and was experiencing similar accommodation loneliness. The difference between her student housing and mine was that hers had a largely unused entertainment room with a big ass tv. We took this as our opportunity to become wanky media students and watched things like Mulholland Drive and Slaughterhouse 5. Lindy was a loud person with lots of enthusiasm. She was also still in love with her high school boyfriend Aiden. One day we went to Geelong to hang out with some of her old friends and see Aiden. It was weird seeing Aiden. Lindy liked the song 'Shake it' by Metro Station and also the band Escape the Fate. She got a job bartending at a strip club and would insist that I went to visit her when she finished work. I managed to do this only one time and it was as weird as I thought it would be, even though I didn't see any boobies. The bar is across from the MCG and apparently football players would always go there after games. Sometimes she seemed a bit like a sociopath and I couldn't tell when she was lying. There was one particular incident on a night when we went out for somebody's birthday and she scratched my arm because I accidentally touched her dermal anchor while hugging her and she tripped another friend of ours, then went home with the birthday person out of spite (but I am not sure if this actually happened). Lindy and I were going to live together in our second year but a lot of my misgivings about became overwhelming and I had to tell her I didn't think it would be a good idea and after that our friendship fell apart. I have seen her on the street probably once since then and made false promises to hang out but I am okay with not hanging out.

3. My media and meaning tutor
For some reason me and my friend were obsessed with the idea of our media and meaning tutor. I was in one of those classes were nobody would speak (a pattern to be repeated for the remaining two years of my degree) and there was overwhelming pressure on those sitting closest to the tutor to say something. For whatever reason, I usually found myself in that position. I found his arrogance attractive for some reason. And because it was first year and we had a bunch of young tutors taking us we would end up going for end of semester drinks. And you know. I ended up being one of those breathy girls, twirling her hair staying around until the end trying to 'get to know' my tutor. Uh now I see him sometimes when I'm studying at uni and every time I think 'jesus, how embarrassing'. Then, 'maybe I can write about this'.

4. The indies
Country girl that I was (also highly influenced by myspace), I spent the first couple of weeks introducing myself to people at uni, then asking what music they were into. Everyone in my course seemed to be really hip, well dressed, into awesome things, confident etc etc. I felt shy and wanted this awesomeness to rub off on me. One night after drinks with a bunch of kids from uni, somebody mentioned wanting some weed. At this time I still had hometown connections and had a stash in my crappy flat. We had a session on the deck at my place. I think another time some people stayed over. I felt a bit jaded that these two instances didn't equate to instant friendship but to be fair the lengths I went to after that basically boiled down to 'facebooking' them and then proceeding to get blog-jealous of one in particular! My first year friendship efforts were fairly rubbish, also I was a passive aggressive bitch. In third year I ended up in groups with all these people who I had revered in first year and found them to be normal/funny human beings.. and I think by that time I'd turned into one of those too.

5. Boy from band who I emailed for a number of months
Somehow I 'got into' a really cute band and via myspace or this blog probably. I began emailing the singer somehow. We had this nice insightful email correspondence for a couple of months and then they played a residency at the Birmy in May and I went with a couple of friends.

We stopped emailing after this. I never really knew what happened, but I can only assume that it had something to do with the fact that I started 'seeing' email boy's friend (who I referred to for some time as 'blog boy' but now is just my regular friend - also cannot write about him here because his friendship isn't a cameo) but maybe it doesn't matter and I just don't understand him at all. We did sort of chat at Campus a Low Hum earlier this year when Toro y Moi was playing and he was having some sort of 'musical epiphany' or that is how it seemed to me kinda. Anyway I feel like their band is still really amazing to see live and I don't really mind but I like emails so people should email me long things of niceness maybe.

6. People from my philosophy class
I have written about these people before, one in my four crushes zine. The person who I mentioned in my zine wasn't really that attractive to me I think but was more a memorable figure for a few months. My philosophy class was handily timed from 4.30-6.30 Wednesdays, so we would, more often than not, head to either the Oxford Scholar (rancid pub across from RMIT) or Workshop (decent, not overly trendy bar in close proximity to RMIT) and debrief about the annoying people in class, like the one girl from my course who would come along every four weeks and be the most verbal person in the class just to compensate for her terrible attendance. So there was the guy from my zine known only by his last name 'Collins', Felix, the German exchange student, Carolyn, the sweet printmaking student who had similar music taste to me and I run into her occasionally and she's as sweet as ever and Madeline, the American exchange student who was as cool as shit, just a real friendly group. We would hang around in the smoking area at workshop and smoke cigarettes and sometimes Felix had weed, talking until 9 or so. Often we would speculate about our philosophy teacher's life and make amusing banter about his silk attire. I was in a dire philosophical/personal ontological state at that point in my life, and I found these gatherings to be a useful extension of the therapy that philosophy class offered.

maths

Bought this fancy ass bag for $130 because I want to be able to ride my bike to uni with my laptop and books. There is a cool laptop sleeve at the back of the big pocket. It is furry and it says at the top of it 'welcome to herschel'.

Taking the train or bus into town costs me $3 return each day, so to break even on this purchase I have to ride 43 days. This would require nearly 6 weeks of riding to and from uni every day of the week. On average I go to uni 5 days of the week though so it will actually take me something more like 8 weeks.

8 weeks is the exact amount of time I have left before I have to hand in my thesis.

Yesterday I rode my bike on a total of 3 journeys, but I only took my bag on one of these journeys. Does this count? Y/N?

My grandparent's wedding day

People are just podcasts 5

Can't believe we have done five of these now! OMG! Probably the giggliest one yet.



People are just Podcasts 5 by susiea

Stacey read: "a conclusion" from vessel by brett gallagher, Sad Cave by Alexander J. Allison, is it armaggedon or is it armaggedon by Diana Salier, Hjerte Syk by Lisa Zaran, dubstep ringtones by Zachary Whalen, Conversation 10/10 - poetry by emily dickinson remix poem, Heavens Poem part 3 by James Duncan and a bunch of her 'favourite' tweets.

I read: there's this song i think you'd like although i don't know if you'd actually like it because the only reason why i think you'd like it is that it reminds me of you and i don't know what to do about this by Giles Ruffer, Pagoda by Crispin Best, Puddle Story by Joseph Ernest Harper, Building of Unseen Cats by Zachary Schomberg, Self Help Google Document by Victoria Trott, the world would be happier with me dead in it by Victoria Trott and also my 'favourite' tweets.

It goes for a lil while but it is worth it. Also I just want to say that we think Poetry By Emily Dickinson is a really amazing website and if you don't know what the heck it is, school yourself immediately and get involved.

We will be doing another one in September - if you have poetry you'd like us to read, email susie.nina@gmail.com or staceteague@gmail.com

<3

things i'm going to do when my job finishes in two weeks

- get my full license because i have been putting it off for about 4 years but that means i'll have to learn how to parallel park can somebody teach me
- look for another job but kind of half-heartedly
- volunteer at the bird rescue three days a week
- work at the cattery 4 hours a week
- make zines
- read a lot (like real heaps)
- start runnin' (like a man) (or like a gangly ass girl)
- go to work and income and look in2 dat free money thing they got going on
- survive mainly on cheese and hummus sandwiches
- sell/give away a lot of the things i own
- hang out with my friend laura a lot because she is coming back from the uk
- sleep (excited about this one)
- experience overwhelming self-loathing (just a projection based on past figures)

- hang out with my sister and her lil baby
- go for walks around the general titirangi area
- write

- go to melbourne to visit susie before she goes to nyc
- buy a new hat

- sit in my room and listen to music feeling like i am barely existing and feeling okay about feeling that way (meta-emotional)
- take a yoga class once a week (only because my friend xinia teaches a class)
- try to steal my neighbour's cat pickles and make him our cat instead
- listen to a lot of bright eyes (post teen emo core vibes)

- participate in art collective

- make a chapbook with james duncan
- try not to buy things because i have to pay rent and stuff and moving back with my parents will never ever be a thing
- spend a lot of time outside, getting in2 nature

- go to christchurch maybe for dat zine fest there

- ride my bike

By Hand

"By Hand was created as part of the Hands on Poetry event at Alphabet City, which was part of National Poetry Day 2011. Attendees at the event contributed poems, and these were compiled into a zine.

Contributors: Eamonn Mara, Alice Connolly, Jackson Nieuwland, James Duncan, Alison Thira, Rose Noir, Anna Forsyth, Zanni Yeah!, Kora Deverick, Clovis McEvoy, Francis Carter, Alex Hoyles, Kirsty Win, Sophie Barclay, N Nissenbaum.

Contributors should expect da copy in the mail over the next few days.

If you'd like to get hold of a copy, they're $2 NZ (within New Zealand) or $3 US (elsewhere). You can:
send Paypal to moira@nutmeg.gen.nz
conceal cash and post it to Alphabet City/ P O Box 7754, Wellesley Street, Auckland, New Zealand, or
contact us for other payment options or if you're interested in trading for your own zine."

"I think my poem in this sucks" - Eamonn Marra
"P sure I haven't got anything in this so idk what is life" - James Duncan
"hahahaha shit. i don't know if you can even call what i wrote "poetry stuff." - Frances Carter

Also have #rare behind the scenes pic of the magic happening:

things i wrote whilst driving home from work

paper pressed up against the steering wheel kind of swerving

every time i have got into this car today i have said out loud "fuckin' wanna die"

stopped at a red light, this is ok now

holy shit dark clouds on horizon making new mountains

feeling like i am driving into something ominous

grinning, feeling something close to doom

is "doom" an emotion, it should be idk

emo ass

going to die c/o writing whilst driving and listening to explosions in the sky

reckless as hell

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GO HOME

-mum is late to pick me up from the bus stop
-my cat waits out the front, as if she knew i was coming
-i eat all the leftovers i can find as soon as i get home
-have to sleep in a single bed
-get woken up by my sister going to school
-bring dirty clothes, forget things to sleep in and clean things to wear the day after i arrive, so have to wear crappy old things, often they have paint on them
-act as pacifier in arguments between mum and sister (usually about school, probably the most infuriating things to deal with ever)
-take a big stack of books, intent on reading most of them, never open a single one
-make mum buy expensive or novelty food items that i can't afford
-end up making all the meals for some reason (probably because one of the things i don't miss about home is mum's cooking)
-get conned into being something of a taxi driver for my sister
-weather permitting, lounge around on the grass and read a book
-go for a bike ride to the river
-feel pretty tranquil
-manage to only 'go out in public' once or twice either to
-hire a ridiculous amount of dvds or
-go to my favourite cafe in town
-spend a lot of time hanging out with my cat
-play piano
-play piano
-get asked to play piano with my sister, which actually means we choose from the limited pop songs i know (ie 'teenage dream'), look up the chords and sing them together because she is positively obsessed with harmony
-hang with my cat again
-start to get irritated by my family and bored by tranquility
-miss the sound of trains going past my bedroom window
-miss being in my giant ass bed
-freak out about not getting stuff done
-get the hell back to Melbourne

day in review 21/08/11

I woke up at 9.30am. I got up and made two fried eggs on toast and peppermint tea. I watched an episode of Sex and the City. I felt really emotional because Carrie and Aiden broke up. I thought they were good together and I liked how Aiden sort of enveloped Carrie because she was so small. It seemed really nice and it felt comforting to me because I know that feeling and I want that feeling. I cleaned my room and had a shower. I wore black jeans, black hi-top converse, my grandma's jumper and my maroon jacket over top. This is my current "power-outfit" (i.e. the outfit that I feel the best in). I made my way up to Titirangi Village where I planned to get coffee and read. It was a really sunny day, but I got kind of tired walking uphill and I have this thing where I always walk fast no matter what. I got to the cafe and I was real hot so I sat outside. I ordered a soy mocha in a big ass bowl and a slice of carrot cake. I finished "Franny and Zooey" and then sat inside because I got too cold. Inside I wrote in my notebook. I txt Susie: "I am sitting at the cafe in Titirangi and they are playing Coldplay and I want to cry into my soy mocha". I sat inside for an hour maybe before I left to go to the supermarket. I bought 5 bananas, a baguette, falafel mix, 2x AAA batteries, Vogels 12 grain toast (12 grains seem a bit xtreme idk) and cranberry muesli bar things. On the walk home I discovered a painting exhibition so I went inside and looked at the paintings. The paintings I liked best used different tones of blue and grey. I liked how thick it looked, like I could touch it and my fingers could reach through the paint all the way down to the canvas. I also liked the paintings of birds. On my walk home I experienced the kind of happiness you can only feel when you are completely alone. When I got home my internet was working again, after 2 days of being broke ass. Immediately I began to feel depressed as I had only received 3 emails, all updates from good reads, and wondered if that was better than no emails at all. Seemed bleak. Went offline. Went to my parent's house to use their dryer. Sat in the living from so I could hear the dryer and read the entirety of "Vessel" by Brett Gallagher, "Charles Mingus, or, I Feel Like This Is How I'll Always Feel" by Giles Ruffer and half of "Don't Die Alone" by Michael Inscoe. I put a blanket over myself and my cat curled up beside me. During this time I ate a handful of potato chips and a pear. I got back home and made tofu and vegetables with rice. Video skyped with Susie. Felt a bit grim at this point, and was trying to explain to Susie how I felt pretty removed from other humans and I nearly cried maybe. We talked about other things and after that I felt okay. I felt normal. It is a good thing that I equate "normal" with "okay". Seems hopeful. I talked to James Duncan and listened to Julie Doiron. Worked on my latest zine for a lil while. Mainly went through old national geographics cutting out different pictures of the ocean. Went to sleep at 11:30pm.

review of 'google chrome'

What do you think of Google Chrome?
Stacey: I'm enjoying it to an extent. I do like it. It is a superior browser. Um. Definitely better than say, Safari, Firefox and definitely Internet Explorer. The only thing I don't like is whenever I go to gmail, it does the lil swirly thing like it's loading but it's not still loading. It may not be superior at gmail.

What is your favourite thing about Google Chrome?
Susie: I just deleted a bookmark and it disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Stacey: Wow. Magical. I like the bookmark system better, but it took me a while to work it out. I like when you open a new tab and it shows your most visited sites.
Susie: Safari actually has that function of most visited sites, it's worth noting.
Stacey: yeah but Safari is bullshit. It's okay. I dunno.

Do you find it faster than other browsers?
Stacey: Not really.
Susie: I actually do. Much to my surprise.
Stacey: I'm going to actually go into Firefox and see.
Susie: Race them!
Stacey: Firefox, bring it onnn.

[Stacey tests Google reader in both and finds Chrome to be only slightly faster]

How do you feel about the aesthetics?
Susie: I downloaded a skin, in the style of gmail. I find it highly customisable.
Stacey: Safari - don't like, Firefox - a close second, but Chrome definitely got it going on.

Functionality?
Stacey: It's good that you can google search right into the url bar. Type it on in. Tappa tappa tappa.
Susie: I also enjoy that feature. My problem is that it doesn't support certain support plugins like echofon - though I haven't investigated that - and zotero.
Stacey: You should just download the standalone Echofon app.

Reputation of Chrome?
Stacey: Do you feel good about having Chrome?
Susie: yeah.
Stacey: I was on tinychat when I downloaded Chrome and everyone was like "you're a bit late to that one". But the last time I downloaded it it didn't work.. but I'm giving it another go.
Susie: Someone was using my laptop last weekend and he was all like "where's your google chrome!!!!!!" and highly affronted I didn't have it. I felt like a prize idiot!

Anything else?
Stacey: How do you feel about the icon? It looks like a lil pokeball
Susie: Oh I don't like that.
Stacey: Yeah.. the firefox one is pretty cool.. it's like a fox around the world. That's real cool! Safari is kinda lame, just like a compass. It's weird seeing Chrome in my dock.
Susie: hahahaha Chrome in yr dock.
Stacey: That's what it's called!
Susie: Sounds like you mean like it's a part of you, a body part.
Stacey: hahahaha, all up in my dock.

excerpt from email to susie

until the funeral, i couldn't cry about my grandma. i think it just hadn't set in. i guess during the funeral it set in when my aunty was giving her speech. my grandma really was the most amazing lady. after the speeches there was this photo slideshow with frank sinatra playing over top (her favourite). i did the kind of crying where you lose all control and you have to make sound. i realised how good she was to me. my mum put her arm around me. i didn't want her to put her arm around me because i didn't want to be consoled. i wanted to feel pain because that is what felt right. after the funeral in a toilet stall i continued to cry. i couldn't stop crying. but it was okay because everyone was crying. i played with nova and i felt better. i had a cup of tea and i felt better. at the reception i talked to my cousins about how we didn't like how much the priest talked about god and the afterlife. i thought about it a lot. i felt happy that my grandma was not afraid to die because of her faith, but i wish human beings didn't have to need that. i felt comforted by the open ended nature of existence. i remember staring blankly out the window of the church, accepting nothingness. afterwards we went to the cemetery to put her coffin in the grave. it took forever for her casket to get down to the bottom. it was starting to rain and i was looking at the trees and letting tears fall down my face. i was saying goodbye and it hurt. i put flowers into her grave and i felt nothing as i did it. it seemed like an empty gesture. i felt more when i was staring at the trees. after that we went to my granddads house and a lot of people were there. we had beers and i sat with my cousins and my sister. i played with nova. i played with my 4 yo cousin mia. she was playing a game where her doll was climbing a mountain and my body was the mountain. i felt strangely uninhibited. we drew in her colouring book. it felt okay. i fell asleep on the couch for a while. my parents got drunk and i had to drive them home.

material items that i have lost

i am really good at losing and finding my wallet. 2008 was the first year i lived in melbourne, i moved here for university and one night when i went to an 'end of semester' uni party i was being silly and drunk and romping around a suburb called malvern. i lost my wallet at some point during this trip and thought i would never see it again but what actually happened was that it started the pattern of me losing my wallet and finding it again. i went back to the suburb a few days later and tried to look for it to no avail. i went to the police station to see if it had been handed in. it hadn't. i filed a police report. the police report was signed by someone with the surname 'simpson'. a few days later my mum called me and said that somebody from a commonwealth bank on high street malvern called her saying they had found my wallet. they found my horsham address from my driver's license and called mum from it somehow. when i went to collect it i was listening to 'a river ain't too much to love' by smog; i remember it being lush and green and slightly wet that day and smog seems inextricably bound up with that sort of weather for me now.

in october 2009 i was in newcastle, nsw, australia at 'this is not art' festival. i was having dinner with some friends and i didn't remember putting my wallet on this lil shelf underneath the circular table that we were sitting at. we were about to head out to the festival after dinner and i realised i didn't have my wallet. i looked for it furiously and could not find it. somebody suggested that i may have left it at the venue where we had eaten. i found it. i found it.

in december 2009 flying to england i left my ipod in the bathroom of singapore changi international airport. i was real tired and toting a lot of things around. i had just finished listening to alopecia by WHY? and thought i would go to the bathroom on the ground one more time before i had to spend the next 12 hrs on a plane. i was so tired i left my ipod on the shelf in the toilet cubicle. i realised i left it there when i had gone into the departure lounge. i ran back and tried to ask a cleaning lady if she had seen it but she didn't understand english and then she tried to get somebody who did. i thought 'ipod' and 'mp3' were pretty well recognised terms, like 'nike' or 'coke' and also that english is one of the official languages of singapore. but i didn't have time to tell them that and i decided that getting my flight was probably more important than my ipod. i think once i got on the plane i cried about it a little. [seems like i cry on planes a lot?]



i bought this during that trip to england. i get real obsessed with lip balm. felt real cool, kinda 'old school' taking this around with me. it once came in handy acting as a bottle opener. somebody chastised me for essentially putting petrol on my lips and i made the switch to



when i got it for my birthday last year (from the person who reprimanded me about petroleum derived lip balms of course). i think i lost this a couple of months ago, probably left it in my friend fraser's car. lip balms/lip gloss don't tend to have a very long life when they fall into my hands.

another material item that is a sort of convoluted loss was a 'cuff' type bracelet with some sort of tibetan script around it. i wore it pretty much every day, in much the same fashion as i now wear the owl ring that probably most people who have met me in real life or tinychatted with me have seen me wearing, somewhat obsessively. i left this bracelet at my cousin's place in liverpool and asked him to send it back to me. for one reason or another, i didn't get around to telling him i was moving, and i suspect that the people who moved to 2/21 munro street, hawthorn east received a small package featuring my beloved cuff. i made one attempt to go to the local postal centre to retrieve it, to no avail. similar to lip balm, i very easily become attached to small jewellery items of no particular significance.

just before i moved to abbotsford (where i currently reside) i gave a giant 'homeless bag' (synthetic tartan bag commonly seen with people who appear to be homeless or those who are moving) full of what i thought were unwanted items of mine to the salvation army. the bag contained things i hadn't worn in a long time and with it i put stuff like a working vcr i found on the side of the road that i never used but thought would be pretty awesome to have, along with some vhs tapes purchased probably from the very salvo's i was donating to. i think that in this bag i had put, by accident, my only bath mat. this bath mat i had purchased when buying things to move away from home. i bought it from kmart and it was so soft before i had used it that i referred to it as my 'replacement cat' because i had to leave my cat behind at my mum's house.

um on the weekend i lost this scarf that i really love (that is the reason i am writing this post). i started knitting it when i was in year eleven or twelve, so probably five years ago. it was a blueish purple shade, in fact it sort of faded from blue-purple throughout the duration of the scarf and had little bits of other coloured wool in it every now and then, but just demure little bits of green or orange that you could barely notice unless you looked at it closely. it was not knitted in any sort of pattern, just plain knit, but it was very long indeed and i liked to wear it twice around my neck for ultimate warmth. i am really missing it today because usually i wear the scarf with the outfit that i am wearing and i do not have any other scarves. i went to lincraft today to buy new wool so i could knit another one, and this wool fades, it goes from grey to darker grey and it is made from wool and soy bean and it cost me a lot of money, i probably could have bought a new scarf for that much money but knitting is great. it's really great.

why are you being weird

'being weird' seems like code for being quiet or disagreeable, not matching another person's ideals, calling them out or making them see something different to what they normally perceive as normal, a realisation of another person's perception that throws a different light on their own.

being weird could also be a physical state of being, be thinking about something weird, it manifests on your face. being weird can consume you. being weird can mean being too quiet, being too loud, being a notable quantity of anything5

on the other side of being, when someone says you're being weird, I feel something pull on the sides of my neck, as if I'm being pulled backwards, then also my stomach feels like I've fallen, but only briefly. and then a desire to prove that no... I am not that weird. maybe attempt to show the rationality behind my weirdness

or perhaps you do not understand your weirdness and cannot perceive why other people see your behaviour as something remarkable or unusual because this seems usual to you, normal.

being weird makes you palpably aware of other people's being, one of those crude awakenings to others' otherness and simultaneously an awareness of not being the centre of 'it all'.

[just a thought:] nobody benefits from when you call someone out on being weird cause it's like neither of you have accepted your unimportance

songs i do lately

(& the whole of Limerence!!!!!)

notes on "a million bears" by spencer madsen

read the first poem, then i read the same poem again out loud
the next day on facebook chat i said to spencer:

"i liked the part in that poem where you talked about birds
i read that one out loud to myself when it was very late at night
seemed nice"

i read "if this is poetry then what was shakespeare doing
seriously" and did a giggle

i felt things whilst reading the part about the laundry room and i enjoyed how it was like one never ending stream of consciousness, and when i read it i was holding my breath but i was not aware of holding my breath and i liked the way that that made me feel

i laughed out loud at "stared at a bird that looked like the twitter bird thinking 'tell me how to get more followers, please'" and then read "chicken is a bird not a food people don't think about that i think" whilst nodding and making hand gestures that i guess conveyed "i know right"

read this re: existentialism "we are all fucked and it's okay because it is all beautiful" and thought repeatedly "yes, yes, yes" whilst wanting to go on facebook chat and tell spencer madsen "yes, yes, yes"

i read about intimate things like "if i rolled over / she would lightly / kiss my arm / half asleep" and thought about my own intimate things. i thought about being in bed with people. i thought about eyes and hands mostly.

reminded me of falling in love and the times that i was "falling in love" and wondered how many more times i will feel the "falling in love" thing and felt scared and excited

read tweets about his cat like "told my cat i may get a bird he said 'if you do i will eat it' i said please don't" and felt impressed with how many times birds had been mentioned so far

thought "#thatawkwardmomentwhen you realise everyone is alone and unhappy" seemed like a cheeky thing to say. thought that spencer madsen is probably very cheeky.

did two short laughs and then one long laugh at "wish the word tabernacle meant something more applicable in everyday parlance, like my tabernacle is itchy, or bro put your tabernacle away" "i think i just wish tabernacle meant penis"

read "listen to 'going to georgia' three times and feel okay each time" and then listened to the song "going to georgia" two times (intentionally not listening to it a third time)

when i read the poem about mallory whitten i remembered that the first time spencer madsen ever talked to me on gchat was to ask if he thought this poem was okay and i said that it was

i finished the book and thought that i would like to live inside of spencer madsen's head but be free to move away for periods of time if i wanted to

you can order his book from here

life bullet points

- chewing a lot of "airwaves" chewing gum
- spiders starting to congregate in my bathroom again
- lorikeet at work humping the pom pom on my beanie
- feeling less lonely talking on gchat
- nachos with an unhealthy amount of sour cream
- feeling aware of how, whilst driving, i only indicate when absolutely necessary
- listening to a lot of Pavement
- during my grandma's funeral thinking that the trees outside looked like lil brocolli florets
- feeling cheeky about feeling like a grown-up whenever i go to the post office to pay my power bill
- my current favourite cat in the cattery is called "Bumble"
- mum earnestly suggesting i should wear a skivvy
- feeling okay about nothingness mostly
- keep burning myself whilst filling up my hot water bottle
- putting on my favourite brown beanie and feeling like it is swallowing my head and it feels nice
- drinking coffee and feeling normal
- sitting in front of my mac book writing words i guess

mix cds people have made me

'review' of ben brooks - grow up

On Thursday 21 of July I woke up at 7am and went to the Melbourne airport to get a plane to New Zealand. I cried for the first half hour of the flight, then watched a movie with Bradley Cooper in it. James Duncan and Stacey Teague met me at the airport. I gave Stacey a hug and started to feel nervous while I was hugging her so I held her a bit tighter and nearly made her fall over. I hugged James Duncan. He smelt like coffee. He was holding a coffee cup in the front pocket of his jacket. I said "you smell like coffee, that's nice" then I felt weird.

Stacey drove us into town where we had plans to get dinner with Jackson Nieuwland. Stacey and I gabbed away in the front of the car and I tried to calm down. On the stereo there was a CD playing Coldplay, Fleetwood Mac, the Shlohmo remix of 'im da shit' by Gucci Mane that James Duncan introduced us to weeks earlier, plus some other music that was mutually accepted as 'good'.

We spent some time waiting on the corner of Krd and Queen street looking out for Jackson Nieuwland. Jackson is a very tall person, he measures around 6'7". I felt jittery. I think we were all anticipating his arrival. We had dinner at Renkon. Jackson's pupils looked huge. There was talk of super foods.

We drove back to the shack where Stacey lives with Huna. James had brought over a copy of Grow Up by Ben Brooks. I think he said he read most of it on the plane. I promptly began to read it with vigour. Reading this book was a very good distraction from having to ask where I would be sleeping that evening.

Grow Up is about Jasper who is a teenager doing high school. He seems to have a frank personality and the way he thought about things reminded me of Christopher from 'Curious incident of the dog' sometimes. Jasper frequently got up early. He listened to one of Avril Lavigne's earlier albums to feel safe or nostalgic maybe, which is what I have done with the album 'Let Go' in the past. He was trying very hard to comfort his nice friend Tenaya a lot of the time because she was sad. I thought the way they drank tea together was very sweet and sort of middle aged. It reminded me how one of my friends always requests that I pop the kettle on before she comes over.

It made me remember a lot of things about being a teenager and made me realise that a lot of those things that I felt then are still with me today, although I think most of my friends have stopped doing self harm.

One of my favourite parts was when Jasper is hanging out with Tenaya and he asks if they can watch episodes of Gilmore Girls. There were a lot of pleasing pop culture references. The friendship Jasper and Tenaya had seemed like the kind of friendship you have where time seems like it is very still, you could do just about anything together and want to do just about anything, but probably end up doing nothing and that seems okay and not like a waste of time usually.

I found Grow Up really easy to read and read most of it that first night that I arrived. It seemed like a good distraction from 'everything that was going on', plus I felt proud that I was reading something very quickly.

Before I read this book I read the review that was written about it on the Guardian website. When I read it I thought about another article I read on the Guardian website about electronic poetry, which was about how when you write about something as if it is literature, you are in doing so acknowledging its place among literature.

I think that it evoked some other feelings in me that were ~profound but because the book belongs to James I cannot refer back to it at the present moment in time.

poet swag

when i smile i can feel my wisdom teeth pressing into the back of my mouth or somewhere inside my mouth at least and i like it

consider getting addicted to painkillers
plan to take them on future plane trips
fantasise about the oral surgeon
imagine getting braces so i can see him on the reg
plus more excuses to get codeine

Hands Like Mirrors

A few months ago, Stacey and I put a call out to writers and poets asking for submissions to a lil poetry journal that we were calling 'Hands Like Mirrors'. We put the word out to writers all around Australia and New Zealand through the Australia Poetry website and the Big Idea. Much to our surprise we received nearly 100 individual submissions! It was very flattering indeed. We applied for funding from RMIT Link Arts & Culture and received money to print it, which we did using a website called Blurb. From all those submissions we selected 11 pieces from each country.

Here are some excerpts from the things we chose.

Fiona Clark's "Your Love Poem is a Noun"

I'm sorry that the metaphor cannot contain the colour of the first whale to swim ashore. I have thrust my hand underneath its beard and wound the clock to make it tick...When we cannot speak I make the words from shoe polish and old candles. I furnish a whole room with you.

Susan Adams' "Neck Delight"
I want to.. rest on your calm
like a beach in the sun
spread over you
like slow mercury

Lana Rosenbaum's "She was here"
Soldiers take her away, her body leaking the dregs of her love on a military green stretcher. Winter starts to arrive and the warmth of her fades

Paul Williamson "Bloom"
things grow in darkness
that will not otherwise live

Frances Carter "I only date religious figures"
went to bed with jesus last night,
watched him undress
and cry all over my pillow.

Katie Winny "Mother Hunger"
I was promised so many harbours,
places to throw my ache away

These are pictures from the launch we recently had at Alphabet City in Auckland. Erin and Moira who run the space there have just opened a zine library, so if you live in that area go ahead and check it out.



Stacey is uploading videos of people reading at the launch onto her vimeo, keep an eye on that here.

We are both very proud of this anthology and thank the writers so very much for being a part of it. Sam Wieck, our designer, also deserves a ridiculous amount of praise. It would not look as amazing as it does without his tireless efforts and countless emails.

If you would like to buy a copy to hold in your own two hands, we are selling it for $8 AUD (plus a lil extra for postage). Click on the image below to pay via paypal.

OMG WE DID IT!!!!