my 2010

extracts from my notebook

january
as the highs get higher, so do the lows get much, much lower
reading may save me
I spend a lot of money on being a Melbournian
the sky is so clear and dark it makes me feel unsafe like if I had giant arms I could reach out and dip my hand into space as if I was in a boat on a river and maybe drown

[I read 'the unbearable lightness of being' and feel completely at ease with it all]

february
just wrote a poem about seeing people on a street and playing a game called "who had sex last night"
at least my idiocy is consistent
yesterday at the tram stop I saw an oldish lady with an ipod, listening to it, tapping her foot, waiting for the tram

march
I keep crying because I am so happy
what does byzantine mean?

april
I remember thinking that "everything" would be better once it was April
I need a dwelling, I want to be a feminist, I need to find work placement and also a job, I wanted to do well at uni and have good ideas for assignments in class, I want to have friends, I want to be beautiful and look nice, I want my teachers to think I'm good at media, I wish I knew whether I could write
I guess ants go so fast because they know life is short
I sniffle and open my eyes wide so the air gets to parts of my eyeballs that have never been exposed before

[I read 'everything is illuminated' and feel like it changes my life a little, then the end is a let down]

may
[I read 'pussy willow' and am convinced it is my new favourite book]
"everything that anyone would ever look for is usually where they find it"
I want to listen to country music and sing loudly in fields
I can't really stand longevity so I surprised myself when I watched Amelie the whole way through. Of course it is the most enchanting thing of all time and (you me, & everyone) I hope I'm like she is
I am not sure what I was doing last weekend, I was a mess, made everything else into a mess

june
I ought to let disinterest take over, that may make me seem more appealing
I want my stuff. I love stuff. Makes me feel all humany
words I will use more: cajole, perjorative
I had some odd paranoid fear that maybe the world would end instead of turn int0 2010. I guess that's why everyone gets so drunk at New Year. I want to live somewhere where they don't make a big deal about it. Is there somewhere where they don't celebrate the days going by?
let good things be good

july
eventually I will just die and cease living and all that will be left of me will be trivial, annoying ponderings like this
last night I was reading Tao Lin until my eyes were sore
sometimes I feel cool because I know lyrics to Kanye West songs then other times I don't
I spend a lot of my life using d words. the cycle of words: deluded --> detached

august
I've noticed I let sentimentality rule my life
get lonely is one of my favourite cds of all time
oh boy, being alive is so odd

september
I resolve to be on facebook less
right now things seem fairly fine
this is what happens when you get up too early: you run out of things to do far too early on in the day. my grievances are so vast

[read 'good morning, midnight' by Jean Rhys and feel a trip to Paris is in order]

october
lately I'm wondering whether anybody is happy
I saw a two year old Samoan child smoking on television and it broke my heart
listening to Ryan Adams on a rainy day will truly end in tears

[turn 21]

november
must dither less
I wonder if people say "don't tell Susie"
the sun is so nice it's melting away my contemplation
I wonder if there is much more to love than being obsessed with a nice and good looking person

[read 'how a moth becomes a boat', find it 25% awesome]

december
maybe if I go work on my tan things will seem better
I'm worried about what my future self will think
Fraser said "are we going to grow old together" and I said "I hope so" and Jordan said "I imagine so"
going on expensive walks
crying on christmas eve, I feel dumb
I wonder if it would be weird to write to my old english teacher
makeshift heartache