the first time i went to a meditation class ever

for a little while i have wanted to go to a meditation class or do yoga or something. the idea of meditation is appealing to me because my understanding of it is to 'clear your mind'. so i heard about this free meditation class in crystal palace and i decided it would be a good idea to finally try it.

i was pretty hesitant because online it said it would go for 90 minutes, wondered if i could last for that long but i figured that i should just do it because i have wanted to try it for so long and what else would i be doing at home, sitting down and watching shows or whatever, when i could be sitting down thinking about stuff maybe

felt weird about what i should wear, was also really hot, just wore a long skirt and sandals
was strange walking into the room, felt lame sitting in the front row but it seemed harmless
the first thing they taught us was about chakras and this spiritual part of you called 'kundalini' and she said the point of this type of meditation would be to have a self realisation via kundalini
she told us what the 7 chakras were but i forget all of them apart from the ones which were to do with forgiveness and guilt
a guy took over and took us through the meditation thing
we just sat in our chairs which weren't very comfortable and took off our shoes and put our left hand towards this picture of this lady who started the thing (i felt slightly weird about that)
he told us to put our right hand on our heart, then our rib, then our hip and i felt severe depression when he said the thing about the hip and i began realising how much i hate myself lol
these girls were whispering behind me and it was annoying because i was trying to forgive everyone and myself but all i could think of was how annoyed i was by them
started crying a little bit idk why
the guy was saying we should ask if we are master of ourselves or if we have more to learn or something like that and all i kept thinking was how much of a flawed person i am
it was hard to pretend i wasn't crying but everybody had their eyes closed
began feeling pretty uncomfortable sitting in a chair, i was trying to do good posture that i have been learning via yoga videos but it was difficult

it was an odd experience, something i am glad i did

seemed like meditating, generally, was a really powerful thing for me, unexpectedly, somehow. part of me thinks i cried because i felt upset about the fact I didn’t really connect with the spiritual side of it, but i just wanted to try really hard even though it felt wrong. it was a weird realisation to have, that even if i am trying i can’t make myself believe in something i perceive to be unreal

we watched this video though and it was the lady who started this type of meditation talking about how all religions generally have this spirit idea in common and basically how it doesn't matter what religion you are or whether you're not of one, this kundalini thing is something you have inside you and it's your right to try to access it and meditate etc

at the end the people taking the class kind of 'worked on us' which basically meant we sat there trying to have a self realisation and they moved their hands over our heads and around our bodies (which made me feel uncomfortable because there were people walking past the window going to sainsbury's and like what if they thought i was in a cult maybe, also there was a swing class in the hall next door and old people kept walking into the canteen which you could see from behind the projector screen in our room) she didn't get to 'work on me' but she said that i should meditate with my feet in water because it would be good for me. and i felt like crying again like how does she know things about me that i don't know, even something as obscure as this

they gave us grape juice at the end

when i was walking home the girl sitting next to me passed me on the street and she was literally the tiniest thing, like actually half my size

i think probably i am going to go again, just due to i am curious about the long term benefits of this, i had a pretty amazing weekend which i don't think is unrelated : )

response

the way i feel about the sound of my own voice

i hate the way my voice sounds recorded but apparently that is just what my voice sounds like to other people

how good/bad i feel in my skin

feel okay about my body, sometimes feel bad about my hair, frequently feel bad about aspects of my personality which relate to my ability to do [things], confidence, social skills, feel good about things when good things are happening/i can forget about the bad things/nailing life

the beliefs that go right down to the core of me

the things that go without saying

listening to new mount eerie in bed at 2am and the feelings that go along with that

clear moon
the good kind of gloomy

picking leaves like they are flowers

i did that, i picked 3 different colored leaves and carried them all the way home with me, i put them by my bed and it makes me feel good looking at them

things i see when i am walking around my neighbourhood

cats, birds and trees, mostly

conversations with germans who are drunk and soft spoken

too drunk to remember content of conversations, just remember awkward eye contact and being awe-struck

dreams about you (still)

i can't remember, but i know

the future/change

moving to the uk and everything that goes along with that

fears

see above, and many many other things incl. spiders

the detachment i feel from my own life

experience this mainly when i am on buses or sitting in my bed
i don't dislike it

times i have been in love

twice

how i am like a cat

i just am

the cold the cold the cold

the cold the cold the cold

good topics for poems

the way i feel about the sound of my own voice
how good/bad i feel in my skin
listening to new mount eerie in bed at 2am and the feelings that go along with that
picking leaves like they are flowers
things i see when i am walking around my neighbourhood
conversations with germans who are drunk and soft spoken
dreams about you (still)
the future/change
fears
the detachment i feel from my own life
times i have been in love
how i am like a cat
the cold the cold the cold

what i have done today at work instead of actually doing work

checked twitter
looked up a lot of jobs on 'creative opportunities'
looked up jobs on 'w4mp'
saved jobs in gmail draft titled 'jobs'
connected the twitter and facebook of the crystal palace overground festival
replied to festival director's emails
chatted to stacey teague on gchat
wrote a 1500 word email to my friend shu shu zheng
put on more lipstick
spent an unnecessarily long time in the loo
looked up jobs on linkedin
looked up people i went to uni with on linkedin
gave myself a 90 minute lunch break
looked at a few jobs on 'office angels'
wrote a 1500 word email to my friend andrew murray
(briefly) chatted to stephen o'toole on gchat
chatted to ziggy gelman on gchat
read a few articles 'the age' (newspaper based in melbourne)
looked up some media jobs in melbourne
read eamonn marra's blog
replied to some email thread about an open air cinema and gave the impression via my choice of movie (princess bride or o brother where art thou) that i have children (princess bride seems like an obvious crowd pleaser)
wrote a dumb blog about it

soml

trying to sort my life out whilst feeling so very far away, seems like i am doing life admin for another person, do yr own bloody life admin

today i watched a documentary about poultry farming and i cried

i feel like i can't do anything and i don't have to (kind of)

i always think a lot of things but then i will think oh well nothing means anything so that's okay

the other night i saw guy williams do comedy and i thought it was good and he said something about 'hologram vogels' and it made me laugh even though i can't remember the context

also sam taught me a cool game called 'touchface' where you touch someone's face (whole hand from top to bottom on their face) and say 'touchface' and they do it back to you and we had fun playing that and i taught it to my flat mates and it is good and you should do it unless you don't want to and think it's dumb

lately when i see couples i feel something akin to pity, i told my friend this at burger fuel whilst drinking a honey cola, she agreed, they were a playing a dubstep remix of bootylicious by destinys child

i feel good being single, i feel like, i am me and i am just doing things i want and being with people i want and idgaf

i often think i will never be able to be with any one person for a very long period of time, like it seems insane that people do that but i understand why they do

at the same time, i like being in love, my flat mate is in love and we talk about how when you are in love you don't care about pda, that's probably my favourite thing, the way the merging of bodies feels intuitive, like walking into a pleasant, cool ocean, on sunday she was sitting outside with her lover and i was doing the dishes and i thought something like 'if i was in love i wouldn't have to do the dishes'

i want to be with people who are far away always

comprehensive recap of my time at the great escape

last week I was in Brighton doing volunteering at THE GREAT ESCAPE

it is a festival featuring a lot of bands from all over the world and also a conference for the music industry. my job was to register people ('delegates') for the conference. i had to look them up in a database then take their photo on a crappy webcam then print out their photo and give it to them in a lanyard and also give them a wristband. lots of people didn't like their photos

wednesday we had to line up and put a lot of flyers in tote bags for the delegates then i had my first shift. i talked to the following strangers: a girl called fliss with pink hair who played saxophone and seemed really nice. a girl from canada who initially seemed friendly but then i realised was too cool for school/had a disinterested air about her and i was clearly too nerdy. a girl with short red hair and red mary jane shoes and cute dresses called lulu who reminded me of a girl called 'kendall' from my uni course. some dudes with dreads put on bob marley when we were putting lanyards together and it was annoying

i met up with vicki after she finished work and it was cold and rainy. we went to sticky mike's frog bar to see celia and i had a pizza and it was delicious and celia has amazing hair

thursday i had an early shift. vicki came to meet me at the end of it and we went to joel's cafe for lunch and had butternut squash and coconut soup. it was pretty tasty. i went to go see yukon blonde after that, they were okay. i also tried to go see college but the venue was packed so i just went back to chill at vicki's. that night i saw abi wade, young magic, redinho, lapalux and zulu winter. i think young magic, redinho and lapalux were my faves even though zulu winter were a bunch of babes and quite an enjoyable indie band. i saw joey working at sticky mike's when i was there and it made me happy to see people i know/love

i can't remember who the strangers were that i talked to on this day, i think i was just trying to furiously go to bands

friday i had a sleep in and watched more tv and it was awesome. i had an afternoon shift. i began to get frustrated with other people who were volunteering because they didn't take as much initiative as i did so i felt really bossy and like a big nerd for asking them to do things. but in hindsight and after conferring with a fellow volunteer, there were a few jerks there. me and a girl i volunteered with, emily, went to gourmet burger kitchen for dinner and i had an eggplant burger with goats cheese and it was so freaking delicious. i went to see a bit of pond with emily, but i left because i'd already seen them. from there i went to gang colours who i decided was among one of the most beautiful people i'd seen in a while. broad shoulders, long hair. i thought about tweeting something like 'that thing where boys push their hair from one side of their head to the other'. from there i walked what seemed like a very long way through the gay part of town up to a giant church with stained glass windows where a band called a winged victory for the sullen were playing. this band is composed of 2 violinists, a cello, a pianist and a guy doing ambient computer noises. they were really good and i got to sit in the aisle of this impressive church listening to beautiful music and i thought, this is what they should use churches for, exclusively. that night i also saw we have band, blanck mass and st lucia and some awesome djs at blind tiger. we have band had a really babein black dude playing keyboard and a lead singer who was a good dancer. i thought my flatmate ashleigh would have loved the keyboard dude in particular and i laughed every time i thought that. at blanck mass some guy was like really into them and he leaned over to me and was like 'this is amazing right???' and inside i was like 'meh' and then i thought i should tweet 'this is music to be born to'

strangers i talked to on this day: finnish/swedish seeming girl who needed a lighter in the queue for st lucia. she and her friend needed to pee and the finnish-ish girl was telling her friend that it's actually easy for girls to pee in a bottle and one time she did it when she was on a a really packed train going to a music festival and i thought to myself 'how did she manage to do that on a real packed train'. dancing at blind tiger i had taken a seat for a little while then they played gettin jiggy with it and i was like 'whaaaaat' and this girl said 'i see that face, get up here' and she pulled me back to the d-floor. at some point during this day i decided to give up smoking for a while. carin's friends sisco, mel and their friend josie (mel + josie = aussies) had arrived for the weekend so after a lil while of dancin we got a cab back to carin's and went to bed

on saturday i had the whole day free to see bands. i felt anxious when i was trying to plan the day because i knew it would involve a lot of walking from venue to venue. some of them were close but others you had to walk quite far between which was fairly gruelling. i got up and saw mmoths first of all and it was amazing and he was a beautiful pure looking irish boy with amazing pale skin. he looked really tired but played a fricken awesome set and i sort of made eyes with some boy in the crowd who later turned out to be oliver tank. i walked down to the seafront to digital to go to the australian stage and they were having a free bbq which was ace. i saw lulu james and red ink while i was waiting for chet faker to come on. chet faker was sublime. i could have listened to him forever. during his set i thought that he kind of looked like a garden gnome. i thought about tweeting 'chet faker a beautiful garden gnome'. i also liked that he had a triple r sticker on his computer. after him i think i saw one song of hyde & beast and got a free sample of some sort of ginger beer

the afternoon i spent a lot of money buying a hairbrush, new mascara, lipstick and deoderant from boots, then i went to h&m and got some leggings and sandals and ostentatious sunglasses.

that evening i saw oliver tank who was really beautiful and amazing, although sometimes his voice wavered. he had beautiful shoulders and beautiful hair. emily the other day said something like 'it's all about hair and looking poor' re: attractive men. i ate a salad from sainsbury's standing up while i watched him sing beautiful things. from there i went to the big beautiful church to see loney dear. loney dear tried to get everybody to sing during his set but everyone seemed shy which was funny because that kind of thing happens all the time in church. in front of me in the aisle two really attractive people kept looking around them. i'm not sure why they were doing that but it frustrated me. i talked to 2 strangers in the line for the loos after loney dear played. we were laughing about how there was a big line for the boys toilets but there was barely anyone waiting at the ladies. one of the strangers said she was swedish and that loney dear was too and he was her favourite and she talked to loney dear and he said he got this bicycle that folds and had been riding it across brighton. then we talked about how good the venue was and the lady said i should stay for perfume genius. so i stayed for a few songs and then realised that even thought it was beautiful, it was going to make me feel too sad so i got up and i left. i saw admiral fallow who were brilliant and they sang one song acapella and i felt like crying because it was so nice.

i walked all the way from sticky mike's to green door store to try to get to doldrums on time, they were running late so i went to royal albert across the road to see if exit music had started but they were also running late. i felt annoyed because i had hurried to get there and not gone into micachu and the shapes. doldrums turned out to be a weird drum and bass ish gig and i didn't really vibe it so i went to see exit music where it was amazing but more on the same emotional level as perfume genius. the lead singer looked like winona ryder a bit and she was beautiful and her voice wavered in this amazing way. she had this slim wedding ring on and so did the bassist and i thought 'hopefully they are married'.

then i walked all the way back to the seafront to see jinja safari in the hopes that it would uplift me but on the way i saw heaps of trashy hen night gals and other saturday night folk and i felt a bit weird. i got to coalition and lined up with these sisters freya and emily maybe. they were so nice and said they had met heaps of australians that weekend. jinja safari took ages to do soundcheck and i was fading and there was a super drunk dude in the crowd in front of me. he was bumbling and bumped into me a few times and one of the sisters got sassy with him and i was proud of her

i wanted to stay there for slow club but by the time jinja safari came on i wasn't really vibing them even though their lead singer had beautiful blue eyes and a nice butt and great teeth. so i left to go to sticky mike's to meet up with carin and vicki and joel and everyone. i stayed there a while but was visibly shattered and my feet were really ridiculously sore and somehow we trudged back to vicki's flat. we got falafels on the way and it was amazing

yesterday i had brunch with giles. we both ate exactly the same meal which was 'dumb huevos' (2 poached eggs w/chorizo, potato, capsicum and red onion + various spices) and a fizzy fruit drink, the name of which i can't remember. we got peanut butter milkshakes from shakeaway then sat on the beach and someone gave us their deck chair token. we went to the TGE volunteer after party and got free beers and we saw lulu and sat next to a squealing child for a while and people won festival tickets, then we ran into sisco and mel and jo and chatted about everything in life. we all got the train back to london together and i felt weird and sad to be leaving brighton and i sort of wish i could live there for the summer

sorry this post was so long
thank you for reading it
if it's any consolation my butt now hurts

a selection of susie's tweets from the last month

 @susie_and

15/04
Jesus how did i leave the house without layers of protective lady scent

17/04
please somebody give me a desserts based job

18/04
Infinity sunwell brain

19/04
brb just taking a moment to appreciate how talented beyonce is

21/04
just hallucinated that all the tweets in echofon said 'everybody dies'

23/04
do i have to (re: today)

02/05
WALNUTS DOT ORG

03/05
SMOKING WINE DRINKING CIGARETTES

07/05
Saxophone trolley

08/05
elephantine honeyed vanilla skin

09/05
hey ja rule what you up to

11/05
sweet jewish lamb

12/05
An economy of hair

12/05
lol couples!!!! please go away!!!!

13/05
Just overheard some babes talking about self-loathing #tge2012

my life things

taking a proverbial leaf out of susie's, um, proverbial book

things i have been watching

tv
game of thrones s1&2
mad men s3

movies
half of 'the boat that rocked' because it was the worst movie i have ever seen but one of the guys was a bit of a honey
a life less ordinary

seems like i haven't been watching many things

things i listen to

ziggy's mix tapes (word doc autocorrected 'ziggy's' to 'piggy's' and i laughed for an unreasonable amount of time)
shlohmo bad vibes
the notorious b.i.g. notorious
purity ring
sigur ros valtari
BALAM ACAB's soundcloud
juj slack
splashh

things i read

sula by toni marshall
kafka on the shore by haruki murakami
re reading minscoe's don't die alone
tweets on echofon
things on google reader


things i make/write

my autumn zine
writing a poem for 'for every year'
writing a poem for 'nap'
writing a story about glaciers
tweets
dumb things in my notebook

things i consume

anything my flat mates make
tui or kingfisher beer
rwd (any)
old mout cider: scrumpy
whittakers choc: coconut or creamy milk
meegs
avocado and cheese sandwiches
pb/jam toast
caramelised onion and balsamic vinegar flavoured chips
thai
vegetables

things i see on the reg

flat mates: laura, hannah, sharn
members of my immediate family
the insides of cafes
cats
birds
my reflection in mirrors, car windows, other people's sunglasses, cutlery, etc
words
two polaroid pictures by my bed, one of my cat and one of my dog
notes we've written on the back on the toilet door
my hands
green trees, red trees, green trees


things i do on the reg

drink rwd with flat mates in the kitchen
walk with headphones on
worry about the future
read in almost any situation
ride my bike to the dairy to get chocolate
dress like a boy
eat whilst watching something on my laptop
drink tea
sit at bus stops
spend a long time trying to find things in my bag
say 'i need to pee'
think about people
feel far away from my own body
talk to/hug animals
talk to/hug people
eat a bread
put on a beanie
sing whilst driving
look at the internet
sigh

SOME THINGS in LIFE

things i have been watching

tv

the wire s1
bored to death s1-3
arrested development s1-3
mad men s5
gossip girl s5
30 rock s6
parks and recreation s4
community s3
saturday night live s37
new girl s1
man vs food (various)
my big fat gypsy wedding (various)
come dine with me (various)
& last night i saw celebrity juice for the first time

movies

the men who stare at goats
death to smoochie
the foot fist way
best in show
gentleman broncos
darjeeling limited
royal tenenbaums

things i listen to

the magnetic fields 69 love songs
andras fox
bored to death soundtrack
stuff you missed in history class podcasts
this american life podcast
radiolab podcast

things i read

nausea by sartre
there is no year by blake butler
biography of jean rhys
natalie chin's blog
alice may connolly's blog
always ghosts dot tumblr dot com
red lightbulbs
h_ngm_n
kill author
the penguin companion to dorothy parker
the av club

things i make/write

crocheting a hat of mauve colour made of thin mohair yarn
writing and not sending long emails
working on a few prose poems

things i eat

everything

things i see on the reg

my flatmates: paul, max and ashleigh
next door neighbour's cats
drug deals happening across the street
rain/grey clouds
my own face

things i do on the reg

yoga
have a wine
have a cig
research flights to norway
research tickets outta here
find jobs to apply for / get excited about them
not apply for them or leave it too late and do a bad job at the application
feel slightly lame about going to work
consider staying on the train to work all the way to luton
feel better about being at work when i'm there due to friendly colleagues / fairly regular system failures
feel a bit dissatisfied with my internship
feel weird about adding people who i don't know on facebook
consider culling it back down to people i know irl
feel conscious of my low self esteem
make cups of tea
complain about there being nowhere to get good coffee in london
laugh inappropriately at things
buy stuff from charity shops
feel sad i have to say 'charity shop' (usa: thrift store, aus/nz: op shop)
wear pink lipstick
think about people from back home
think that it never really existed or something maybe

sensations

- the sun on my body but not my face as i am lying in my beanbag/cushion nook in the lounge
- sheepskin
- heavy blankets
- scalp massages
- nakedness against someone who is fully clothed
- kissed ears
- touching flower petals with thumbs
- walking through long grass
- the weight of a book in your hands
- typing on the keys of my macbook
- hands, palm to palm
- touching my shoulder with my cheek
- dog's floppy ears
- cat's noses
- that time i took bites out of my plum and fed it to ducks out of my hand, the feel of their beaks in my palm
- submersion in water
- being in a good hug from a friend
- hot water bottle on my tummy

(currently experiencing 3, 10 and 18)

what are sensations you like
i will try to make them into poems

book review: the blue hour by lilian pizzichini

this is a biography of jean rhys who is my favourite author. or was. i am not sure now

my friend ellie gave me the book because i read her dissertation about jean rhys' work

i have read the following books by rhys: wide sargasso sea, voyage in the dark, smile please, sleep it off lady, good morning midnight and quartet. my favourite was probably good morning midnight and some elements of smile please

for a while my favourite quote was from smile please, it said "i am only twenty and i have to go on living and living"

walking home from work and looking at terrace houses in london i have often liked to think of jean rhys living in a similar one. i have thought fondly of drinking heavily like she does, drinking in paris in cafes, sleeping all day and going out all night

but when i was reading the book i just kept thinking about how annoying she seemed and how we probably wouldn't be friends unless we could somehow write to each other

i also was miffed because there were a few typos. and the biographer wrote in this overly sentimental way, as if she knew jean. it seemed really bothersome. but i guess potentially i could be blaming pizzichini for ruining my formerly favourite author for me by just writing vividly about her

the thing is that jean rhys' work was heavily influenced by her life, which can mostly be said for all writers/artists, i suppose. maybe it's written about so much just because her writing career was peculiar in the sense that she wrote 3 novels from the age of like 30-40, then, as people say 'disappeared into obscurity'

but actually she was just being a drunkard and causing mayhem basically wherever she went, borrowing money from anyone she could, acquaintences, old lovers, family members etc. she was so dependent on men, too, mostly father figures, which bothered me. she worked on wide sargasso sea a few times during her middle age years, but didn't actually publish it until she was nearly 70, when it was a smash hit, the most well received of all her novels, and so her earlier work had a revival

the biography is bothersome in the first section when she is a poor young married woman with her fairly scandalous husband, trying to get her first novels published: pizzichini constantly says stuff like "jean was before her time". i felt annoyed by the presence of the biographer's opinion, it was just too reverent

there's one thing she says that really rings true, which i have often thought with regard to rhys' work: "plots are not important because it's always the same story". i just find that whenever i try to explain what jean rhys writes about it's sort of stupid. like, girls in europe, drinking too much wine and being sad/silly about men. but the way it's written about.. just speaks to the sad parts of me

my butt hurts

despite all that, i guess there's some sort of beautiful thing about the way she was unashamedly mad in her later years. she lived for a while in beckenham which is a suburb in south london just past where i'm living, and also in exeter in devon, which is near where my auntie lives - always trying to find a connection

that's sort of the way generally i read things.. in a way that i could imagine it being me or somehow close to me, or about me, or i could be like that someday. even if it's bad

still, i suppose humanising someone is useful. jean rhys seemed like a cruel person a lot of the time.. and i suppose it's good to know that side of someone exists, more realistic or something

positive things about my otherwise shitty-ass day

hugging my dog
my cat (to a lesser extent because she scratched me)
reading a good book atm ('sula' by toni morrison which eamonn told me to get when we were at jason's books)
whittakers coconut choc
got some photos developed
hot sun/freezing wind
listening to purity ring v loudly
going to a spot in my neighborhood where you can see the whole of titirangi and seeing the red trees amongst all the green
got pra ram from the thai place down the rd
real good pale pink/purple sky just before the sunset, felt calm
life-affirming girl talk with alice
felt good writing an email to susie
my friend brad came to visit

gonna wait for my laura to come home from work and then cuddle-attack her and watch crap shows in her bed

friends make everything good

april things

crossed legs on the train

as if you can somehow make yourself disappear

the more tightly they are crossed

imagining bones beyond flesh

knowing this is what is making us do moving

all I can think is I’m going to Brussels, I’m going, I am

the words in my ear

yes it’s you, you are never on time

other children were taught to breathe

I am unaware of the right technique cause my mother never taught me, we were too busy crying by the front door – never taught to be comfortable in front of a man, only to want him to take care of me, put me in hotels and pay for my silks (code for pills) in irritable tiredness I will kill those who chew gum (I need you silence) give me seven sweet hours on a bus and a namesake city please (the thought that everything is terrible brings a smile to my face) (will I have to wait ages to die of embarrassment) I have decided that here I will smoke cigarettes and develop a taste for aniseed while my dreams fill with snakes, nightly slitherings. I think I will cut the rest of everything in half, if you think you can repair it