the first time i went to a meditation class ever

for a little while i have wanted to go to a meditation class or do yoga or something. the idea of meditation is appealing to me because my understanding of it is to 'clear your mind'. so i heard about this free meditation class in crystal palace and i decided it would be a good idea to finally try it.

i was pretty hesitant because online it said it would go for 90 minutes, wondered if i could last for that long but i figured that i should just do it because i have wanted to try it for so long and what else would i be doing at home, sitting down and watching shows or whatever, when i could be sitting down thinking about stuff maybe

felt weird about what i should wear, was also really hot, just wore a long skirt and sandals
was strange walking into the room, felt lame sitting in the front row but it seemed harmless
the first thing they taught us was about chakras and this spiritual part of you called 'kundalini' and she said the point of this type of meditation would be to have a self realisation via kundalini
she told us what the 7 chakras were but i forget all of them apart from the ones which were to do with forgiveness and guilt
a guy took over and took us through the meditation thing
we just sat in our chairs which weren't very comfortable and took off our shoes and put our left hand towards this picture of this lady who started the thing (i felt slightly weird about that)
he told us to put our right hand on our heart, then our rib, then our hip and i felt severe depression when he said the thing about the hip and i began realising how much i hate myself lol
these girls were whispering behind me and it was annoying because i was trying to forgive everyone and myself but all i could think of was how annoyed i was by them
started crying a little bit idk why
the guy was saying we should ask if we are master of ourselves or if we have more to learn or something like that and all i kept thinking was how much of a flawed person i am
it was hard to pretend i wasn't crying but everybody had their eyes closed
began feeling pretty uncomfortable sitting in a chair, i was trying to do good posture that i have been learning via yoga videos but it was difficult

it was an odd experience, something i am glad i did

seemed like meditating, generally, was a really powerful thing for me, unexpectedly, somehow. part of me thinks i cried because i felt upset about the fact I didn’t really connect with the spiritual side of it, but i just wanted to try really hard even though it felt wrong. it was a weird realisation to have, that even if i am trying i can’t make myself believe in something i perceive to be unreal

we watched this video though and it was the lady who started this type of meditation talking about how all religions generally have this spirit idea in common and basically how it doesn't matter what religion you are or whether you're not of one, this kundalini thing is something you have inside you and it's your right to try to access it and meditate etc

at the end the people taking the class kind of 'worked on us' which basically meant we sat there trying to have a self realisation and they moved their hands over our heads and around our bodies (which made me feel uncomfortable because there were people walking past the window going to sainsbury's and like what if they thought i was in a cult maybe, also there was a swing class in the hall next door and old people kept walking into the canteen which you could see from behind the projector screen in our room) she didn't get to 'work on me' but she said that i should meditate with my feet in water because it would be good for me. and i felt like crying again like how does she know things about me that i don't know, even something as obscure as this

they gave us grape juice at the end

when i was walking home the girl sitting next to me passed me on the street and she was literally the tiniest thing, like actually half my size

i think probably i am going to go again, just due to i am curious about the long term benefits of this, i had a pretty amazing weekend which i don't think is unrelated : )