hello it's another gigglepod featuring some poems
v erotic edition via feb 14th and also our massive horn for u, our listeners
feat pomes by Michael Scarborough, Tina Brown Celona, Wendy Xu, Philip Larkin, Ashleigh Cook, Daniel Bailey, Bianca Stone, Tanya Rao, Russ Woods, Ashley Opheim, Moon Temple, Laurens Verdonkschot, Lucy K Shaw, Natalie Chin and Zachary Schomburg, Diane Marie and Melissa Broder
+ special guests Laurens Verdonkschot reading Sam Riviere and Diane Marie reading Crispin Best
you can also listen to previous podcasts here
sorry we are dumb hehe
Friday, February 15, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
25/01/13
i can't concentrate on anything long enough to know what it is that i'm feeling or thinking before i either fall back asleep or look at my twitter feed
in defense of someone i said that they are just doing the best they can but they feel all kinds of things that accidentally make other people feel shitty, it's the same for me, for everyone else
i feel v aware that i am capable of fucking up my life here and that i might even do it if i get bored enough
everyone is stuck some place, with some one
i feel interested in that
when i close my laptop, hide my phone and crawl beneath the covers
i can slip away from the world
that is a cool trick i can do
it is bad to rely on one person for happiness, i'd rather just rely on myself
the only thing about that is loneliness
ugh
you said not to treat people as anchors
but that's all we do essentially
i want different things depending on what time of day it is
i want far away things
the reality is that i get what i want and then i don't want it anymore
seems cliche
in a way i feel bad but my feelings are instinctual
it's like trying to change the direction blood flows around your body by will alone
and i like the word instinctual, that is every thing i do
in the way that writing is just another function of my body
also, i don't even remember making a decision to kiss you, i just kissed you and that was that
the things that happen seem to happen without me ever having to do anything really
someone reblogged a poem you wrote about me on tumblr, when you wrote it, i thought it was bad
welcome to your new life as a shitty human
in defense of someone i said that they are just doing the best they can but they feel all kinds of things that accidentally make other people feel shitty, it's the same for me, for everyone else
i feel v aware that i am capable of fucking up my life here and that i might even do it if i get bored enough
everyone is stuck some place, with some one
i feel interested in that
when i close my laptop, hide my phone and crawl beneath the covers
i can slip away from the world
that is a cool trick i can do
it is bad to rely on one person for happiness, i'd rather just rely on myself
the only thing about that is loneliness
ugh
you said not to treat people as anchors
but that's all we do essentially
i want different things depending on what time of day it is
i want far away things
the reality is that i get what i want and then i don't want it anymore
seems cliche
in a way i feel bad but my feelings are instinctual
it's like trying to change the direction blood flows around your body by will alone
and i like the word instinctual, that is every thing i do
in the way that writing is just another function of my body
also, i don't even remember making a decision to kiss you, i just kissed you and that was that
the things that happen seem to happen without me ever having to do anything really
someone reblogged a poem you wrote about me on tumblr, when you wrote it, i thought it was bad
welcome to your new life as a shitty human
Thursday, January 24, 2013
self-help by lorrie moore
1. i read the first chapter out loud to myself in the bath
i had been alone for two days and i needed to hear what my voice sounded like
not that i had forgotten, that is not something you forget
i just wanted to hear it, to confirm my existence
when i finished the story the bath was cold
2. i read this in bed on a thursday afternoon
i cried during some of it, almost definitely the last two pages of it
it made me think of my grandmother and how her face looked close to death and how it upset me more now than it did then
the memory of something > the thing itself
when i finished the story
i got up because the dog was barking
i looked out the window, it was snowing
and i cried looking at it
3. v short, read it standing up in kitchen waiting for pizza to cook
4. this story reminded me of how you found a note on my computer that simply said 'love poem by richard brautigan' and how you must have known i didn't love you before i told you i didn't love you
5. "People and places you think you love may be people and places you hate."
6. common theme of this book is how you can become stuck in all places in your life, this is something i get very afraid of
this story is about a relationship, and it seems to me that you can feel stuck in any relationship after a while
you can be stuck anywhere and with anyone after a certain amount of time
for me it isn't even that long either
oh yeah i cried at the end of this story too, but it's nice to cry like that, for something external
why i liked this book is that it made me think things about myself and life that i sometimes forget, or that i cannot easily verbalize
and those are the things that i like the most
Saturday, January 12, 2013
first lines, quotes
28 everything in my mind is hurtling from one stupid side to the other
30 i am basically inconsolable so much of the time
3 keep trying - when alone - to remember beautiful, simple or interesting things to write down later
6 reading miranda july makes me feel like i'm definitely going to write some sort of erotic fiction thing
"i made orange juice from concentrate and showed her the trick of squeezing the juice of one real orange into it. she marveled at this and i laughed and said life is easy. what i meant was life is easy with you here, and when you leave, it will be hard again"
miranda july, ten true things
8 i want more than anything to not feel like having someone else here would make me feel whole or complete or at ease... i am tired ...
10 we could stay up late watching the large screen television at kew junction (the one advertising nissan cars)
11 aghast aghast aghast
22 3 days to xmas, feel so devoid of any cheer
25 i keep thinking of poetic parallels like my hair being purple and sitting under jacaranda trees hearing the petals drop to the ground like rain
"could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?"
henry david thoreau, walden
26 when you have work it feels like all your spare time is just counting down towards when you're meant to be working next (in my mind i see a ribbon unravelling, fraying towards the end, emptying itself into space)
30 also the country smells so beautiful!
4 on days like today it is as if no one else exists, as if the city is shut down
5 i feel truly childishly upset
"i am jealous of the hawk because he can get so far out of the world, or i follow with passionate envy the seagull swooping to possible cessation"
elizabeth smart, by grand central station i sat down and wept
9 'the water' is such a good thing
12 seems like i've had entirely the wrong idea of what the date is.. for days now
"now the idea of dying violently becomes an act wrapped in attractive melancholy and displayed with every blandishment. for there is no beauty in denying love, except perhaps by death, and towards love what way is there?"
elizabeth smart
30 i am basically inconsolable so much of the time
3 keep trying - when alone - to remember beautiful, simple or interesting things to write down later
6 reading miranda july makes me feel like i'm definitely going to write some sort of erotic fiction thing
"i made orange juice from concentrate and showed her the trick of squeezing the juice of one real orange into it. she marveled at this and i laughed and said life is easy. what i meant was life is easy with you here, and when you leave, it will be hard again"
miranda july, ten true things
8 i want more than anything to not feel like having someone else here would make me feel whole or complete or at ease... i am tired ...
10 we could stay up late watching the large screen television at kew junction (the one advertising nissan cars)
11 aghast aghast aghast
22 3 days to xmas, feel so devoid of any cheer
25 i keep thinking of poetic parallels like my hair being purple and sitting under jacaranda trees hearing the petals drop to the ground like rain
"could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?"
henry david thoreau, walden
26 when you have work it feels like all your spare time is just counting down towards when you're meant to be working next (in my mind i see a ribbon unravelling, fraying towards the end, emptying itself into space)
30 also the country smells so beautiful!
4 on days like today it is as if no one else exists, as if the city is shut down
5 i feel truly childishly upset
"i am jealous of the hawk because he can get so far out of the world, or i follow with passionate envy the seagull swooping to possible cessation"
elizabeth smart, by grand central station i sat down and wept
9 'the water' is such a good thing
12 seems like i've had entirely the wrong idea of what the date is.. for days now
"now the idea of dying violently becomes an act wrapped in attractive melancholy and displayed with every blandishment. for there is no beauty in denying love, except perhaps by death, and towards love what way is there?"
elizabeth smart
Friday, January 11, 2013
notable journeys
26/10/12
on our way home from the pub where we drank beers with lucy and crispin
standing up on a crowded tube susie leaned her head on my shoulder and i leaned my head on her head
this felt like just another one of our beautiful moments of friendship
where we could completely understand each other without saying anything at all
when we returned home we each received a mention on twitter from someone neither of us knew:
think i just saw @staceteague and @susie_and on the underground & was too scared to say anything wow this is a really creepy tweet oops
i replied 'haha, nice'
27/10/12
on the train from gipsy hill to victoria susie & i are both tired and sad we both have our headphones on and i cry through closed eyelids but later we will go to the borough market and drink hot cider and eat cheese samples and everything will be okay again like it always is
10/11/12
when the tube started i nearly fell over so i grabbed onto you and i didn't let go until we arrived at oxford circus
11/11/12
smiled the whole way to victoria station thinking about eyeball kisses
17/11/12
crowded tube, a man was standing next to me with his doge, kept making funny faces at the doge, looked up and exchanged smiled at a lady who was smiling at me
18/11/12
drunk with diane off pinkass wine
1/12/12
on a train w max, nat and crispin. me and nat sneakily took xanax and it made my muscles ache and sometimes me and nat would look at each other and laugh and she showed me a video of a woman saying a poem and during it i heard crispin refer to me as 'teagues' but i just kept listening to the poem instead of trying to hear what he was talking about. in the poem she said 'i'm a lover without a lover'. crispin ate a banana v erotically and nat took a picture
8/12/12
1) nat and laurens are sharing headphones listening to blink 182
2) train from euston to wherever that pub was
nat was v drunk and dropped the n word
oh shit
9/12/12
the overground from brockley / my head in your neck nook
15/12/12
victoria - euston
euston - highbury and islington
highbury and islington - canada water
canada water - brockley
all of these journeys:
you are leaning against me i am making fun of you you touch my face
on our way home from the pub where we drank beers with lucy and crispin
standing up on a crowded tube susie leaned her head on my shoulder and i leaned my head on her head
this felt like just another one of our beautiful moments of friendship
where we could completely understand each other without saying anything at all
when we returned home we each received a mention on twitter from someone neither of us knew:
think i just saw @staceteague and @susie_and on the underground & was too scared to say anything wow this is a really creepy tweet oops
i replied 'haha, nice'
27/10/12
on the train from gipsy hill to victoria susie & i are both tired and sad we both have our headphones on and i cry through closed eyelids but later we will go to the borough market and drink hot cider and eat cheese samples and everything will be okay again like it always is
10/11/12
when the tube started i nearly fell over so i grabbed onto you and i didn't let go until we arrived at oxford circus
11/11/12
smiled the whole way to victoria station thinking about eyeball kisses
17/11/12
crowded tube, a man was standing next to me with his doge, kept making funny faces at the doge, looked up and exchanged smiled at a lady who was smiling at me
18/11/12
drunk with diane off pinkass wine
1/12/12
on a train w max, nat and crispin. me and nat sneakily took xanax and it made my muscles ache and sometimes me and nat would look at each other and laugh and she showed me a video of a woman saying a poem and during it i heard crispin refer to me as 'teagues' but i just kept listening to the poem instead of trying to hear what he was talking about. in the poem she said 'i'm a lover without a lover'. crispin ate a banana v erotically and nat took a picture
8/12/12
1) nat and laurens are sharing headphones listening to blink 182
2) train from euston to wherever that pub was
nat was v drunk and dropped the n word
oh shit
9/12/12
the overground from brockley / my head in your neck nook
15/12/12
victoria - euston
euston - highbury and islington
highbury and islington - canada water
canada water - brockley
all of these journeys:
you are leaning against me i am making fun of you you touch my face
Saturday, December 15, 2012
remembering when i could open my window from my bed, reach outside and return with handfuls of jasmine
feel like i am much too nostalgic for my own good
thinking about the last times i cried
i cried a little last night out of exhaustion and illness
i cried when i was drunk and my coat and iphone got stolen
people hugged me in the smoking area of ‘da club’
one of the times i vividly remember crying is sitting in an empty room in a flat in wellington
we were both crying with our faces close together and we were not afraid to cry because there were worse things to be afraid of
like not being together
feel unable to express certain things, uh, even feel unable to identify what i can’t express
seems like everyone likes coke or coke zero or diet coke except me
i hate it when people smoke and the smoke hits my face but if you did that i would say i don’t care and maybe i don’t when you do it
in the night i woke up from a fever and felt v worried about nazis, feel delirious
tonight for dinner i ate steamed broccoli and courgette, and for dessert i will eat 1x reeses peanut butter cup
people want to know what other people eat right, that’s interesting right
i’m not saying i want all of it, all of the time
because there is nothing that i want that bad
but if we’re talking statistics
you can have 99.99% of me
i mean i will try anyway
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
10/12/12
i hate it when other people tell me what i'm supposed to feel
i feel whatever i feel
sometimes you still have to apologise for that
i've noticed recently that i say sorry for almost everything i do
i think it started as a joke
i feel very british sometimes
but i like british people the most i think
i like that they say 'erm' for 'um'
i can't relate to people who aren't self-deprecating
not even that i think
it's humility
mostly i just want people to be chill
anger as an emotion interests me because it seems foreign
i often think that i skip a lot of emotions and go straight to sad
the last time i felt genuinely angry was when i was listening to a man talk about anti-abortion on the radio
i guess we've been talking about how we tend to internalize emotions
which is why we do what we do
the other night on the bus journey home i felt it
my emotions only run in one direction
i felt my body wanting to be smaller
wanting to retreat into myself
but then ben kept saying something about me pooping out livia's house keys and i was laughing
so i forgot about that and how much i needed to pee
and in the pub our faces seemed unusually close together, you said something about a sphere and i wish i could remember
today i was on the tube squished in between lots of strangers and i felt happy, i felt like myself
london is a city that i feel truly good to be in
walking through soho at night time making eye contact with people i feel so unafraid
i felt this again walking through the pitch darkness
up the driveway towards my house
i liked the absoluteness of it
i made this list and i'm not sure what it is
frosts
sleep as a physiological need
not made for winter but trying
kicking frozen puddles
what beautiful things are there
eyeballs (?????)
when do intangible things become solid
growing a thicker skin because of the cold and other things
been thinking about love/relationships
what i am afraid of the most is not being my own person
i don't want to have to rely on other people for things, it is easy to do that
but it's better when i do things for myself
i suppose one day i will meet someone and it will be like i am just myself and we can be alone together
i don't know if that will ever happen my whole life but i will keep looking always
i fall in and out of love
i feel whatever i feel
sometimes you still have to apologise for that
i've noticed recently that i say sorry for almost everything i do
i think it started as a joke
i feel very british sometimes
but i like british people the most i think
i like that they say 'erm' for 'um'
i can't relate to people who aren't self-deprecating
not even that i think
it's humility
mostly i just want people to be chill
anger as an emotion interests me because it seems foreign
i often think that i skip a lot of emotions and go straight to sad
the last time i felt genuinely angry was when i was listening to a man talk about anti-abortion on the radio
i guess we've been talking about how we tend to internalize emotions
which is why we do what we do
the other night on the bus journey home i felt it
my emotions only run in one direction
i felt my body wanting to be smaller
wanting to retreat into myself
but then ben kept saying something about me pooping out livia's house keys and i was laughing
so i forgot about that and how much i needed to pee
and in the pub our faces seemed unusually close together, you said something about a sphere and i wish i could remember
today i was on the tube squished in between lots of strangers and i felt happy, i felt like myself
london is a city that i feel truly good to be in
walking through soho at night time making eye contact with people i feel so unafraid
i felt this again walking through the pitch darkness
up the driveway towards my house
i liked the absoluteness of it
i made this list and i'm not sure what it is
frosts
sleep as a physiological need
not made for winter but trying
kicking frozen puddles
what beautiful things are there
eyeballs (?????)
when do intangible things become solid
growing a thicker skin because of the cold and other things
been thinking about love/relationships
what i am afraid of the most is not being my own person
i don't want to have to rely on other people for things, it is easy to do that
but it's better when i do things for myself
i suppose one day i will meet someone and it will be like i am just myself and we can be alone together
i don't know if that will ever happen my whole life but i will keep looking always
i fall in and out of love
Saturday, December 8, 2012
review of 'baby babe' by ana carrete (kind of)
i read baby babe when i took the 3 children i au pair for to soccer/football one evening
sitting on this wooden bench thing in a brightly lit gymnasium
balls keep flying past me and sometimes hitting me
once a ball hit the book right out of my hands and landed half a metre away from me and now it is kind of bent
i felt embarrassed when that happened and looked at one of the other mums and said 'uh ok' and she laughed
kept looking up from my book and looking at one of the coach's powerful thigh muscles, unsure if i found it attractive or not, possibly not, sexy sport guys..
took me a while to read because the kids kept wanting me to watch them play, and i felt bad about kind of ignoring them, but you know
i noticed how whenever tom missed a goal, he would get upset and zac, from the other side of the gym, would yell to him that is was okay and that he was doing well
that kind of made my heart swell up with love
i liked:
"some people think
they're so funny
shit
i'm just like whatever
when i walk around"
"i want my poems to be clouds
and whenever balloons escape a child's hand
i want to be able to push them back
to where they belong"
"i lick things and pretend
everything is fine"
during the break JJ sat on my knee and drank water and then got off and hugged me and then hugged me again
sometimes i would be reading a poem but thinking about you
so i would have to read the poem again
that kept happening
felt emotional at a few points, thought i was crying a lil
i might just be hormonal (?)
somehow i got chocolate all over the spine of it
kept hoping the people sitting near me did not see key words like 'cunt' or 'dick' or 'semen'
this book made me think a lot about penises, but not in a sexy way
idk how often i legitimately think about penises in a sexy way, are we meant to
i liked that ana seems to have a very particular and consistent style
i can imagine her writing these poems while sucking on a lollipop
i liked this book
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
for a good time
on the train home i was thinking really stupid metaphorical thoughts about eggs like how i thought maybe our minds were once the same egg but some idiot wanted eggs and now we are 2 halves broken apart from each other and then something about how the yolk .. what is the yolk .. i couldn't work it out .. then i walked past a sign and i misread it to say 'dancer: 1500 volts' and i figured it was a good tweet for later then i was dancing in the [new] carpark outside victoria park station which has made the walk home from the station even shorter but more danceable .. i guess earlier in the night i said something dumb like if i got knocked up i would probably keep a baby and all the boys inbetween their farts seemed really alarmed and i guess we all know that i wouldn't be able to stop drinking enough to keep a baby alive inside me imagine not drinking for nine months if that's my biggest concern i shouldn't be come an accidental mother wouldn't you agree
i just read ashley opheim's poem on shabby doll house and there are some lovely parts in it, notably:
give me another century in your eyes, they are somewhere
i never knew existed
then i just realised she is one of my fave twitter accounts omg i am such an idiot if you don't follow her already get involved @hologramrainbow
yesterday i spent 4.5 hours with my hands in meat because that is the job that i have now and it's cool, i'm gettin paper .. while i am working i just try to think of tweets for later in a maggie lee sort of voice because i remember enjoying her blog posts about when she worked as a pizza delivery person
i woke up this morning dreaming of the opening scenes of aladdin, it seemed to me like i was jasmine and falling a lot but bouncing off extremely tall tents of jewellery in that chase scene after she gives an apple to that child because aladdin didn't come to my rescue
on friday there is a launch of the voiceworks issue that i am published in and it is also the express media awards extravaganza and i will be attending, so will john marsden but i think we are arriving separately .. so don't look for us together, but do look for me ..
Friday, November 30, 2012
my time in england so far via tweets
moving to england in 2 days but i dont wanna pack, just wanna watch the wire
too hot in london to wear beanies :(
nothing i want more in life than lazing about w @susie_and watching nigella's express
susie is my cous cous mama
Theyre playing nz dub music in a pub in edinburgh
You're a pain in my crag
we have taken to expressing our emotions via song, oft in the middle of london streets
@crispinbest we bailed with ease on that baileys (something me and @susie_and workshopped on the way home)
rapping to drake audibly on the tube w @susie_and
gonna buy some jeggings from sainsburys
b'ton bad bitches
don't mind if i doob
uhhh just living in this beautiful ass shire
stood in the kitchen for around 6 minutes binge-eating chips while 2 labradors watched
eyeing up hipsters wearing matching chinos at gloucester train station
drinking instant coffee bc i hate myself
started drawing a duck with 4 legs and now this 9 yo thinks i'm an idiot
hello london i need to pee
want to make everyone i like toast and tea forever
it's getting hat in here
just want to be cotching with a rio
unsure if i feel bad because i need to pee or because of everything else
just had two tequila shots we are in da club i hate errbody
want to go home and eat some steamed brocolli for real
a rich tapestry of tapestries
welcome to the beyonce museum
if binge-eating chips is wrong then i don't want to be right
crystal palace bound is one of my favourite things to be
absolut dingus
draft in my phone from last night that just says 'i'm going to die'
cute boy was looking at us, me and tilly walked into each other, flustered, boys are scary
being really tired is like being on some shitty drug
"i just wanna sleep on your butt"
i bloody love hangovers
i think @herbonestrcture tried to french me the other night, niiiiiice
@susie_and love u my whole damn life, have a safe flight
Briefly forgot I was in England and thought, when did nz get castles
Never want to leave @herbonestrcture 's room
new appreciation for the cold
this 9 yo just said "i like your hair and i like you" :')
eyeball kisses
my fave combo is sad/funny
people keep thinking i am a mum i am not a mum okay
Voxer message: I'm not on drugs I'm just sad
wow what a cute time we are having being sad all together
ugghhh forever
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
would you look at that
melbourne is beautiful and rainbow coloured
the skies in australia are big and open and blue
i am hysterical
we are all reckless & can't wait to be on 2 wheels again
i was walking through melbourne central shopping centre and now there is a book swap the same kind that there is in that little place in soho where you can borrow or swap secondhand books
got this phillip larkin book 'the whitsun weddings'
i wish that all my friends had giant beds so we could all lie down together in a v v platonic way
sometimes i think humans should just lie around like lions do - i remember the day after my leaving party i was lying in bed with stacey, nat, giles and lucy perched on the end like our lil kitty kat... whenever i lie in bed with a group of people i just think about how once at singapore zoo i read that lions just sleep for 20 hours a day or something, it seems great that they don't have to do much else or maybe in my mind i exaggerated this
it's the worst i have time to write this post but not enough time to do [anything else important]
find myself having lots of lewd conversations, guess i'm back with all the boys
starting a job at a bar today for the first time ever, this is daunting i guess
this morning fraser woke up when i got out of bed and he weirdly sang some of 'new york new york' at me using my name, how nice
i miss you england
keep saying to various people that it's hard to let yourself feel sad when everything is hurtling towards summertime.. there is a television ad for mcdonalds where everyone stands in the giant shadow that the golden arches are making in the parking lot because it's too hot to stand on the regular asphalt.. not that i eat mcdonalds but it's preeeeeetty accurate
here i have to shave my legs and maintain my toenails... i am v tanned already guys woah
two relevant poems from mr larkin:
Home is so sad
Home is so sad. It stays as it was left,
Shaped to the comfort of the last to go
As if to win them back. Instead, bereft
Of anyone to please, it withers, so,
Having no heart put aside the theft
And turn again to what it started as,
A joyous shot at how things ought to be,
Long fallen wide. You can see how it was:
Look at the pictures and the cutlery.
The music in the piano stool. That vase.
Talking in Bed
Talking in bed ought to be easiest,
Lying together there goes back so far,
An emblem of two people being honest.
Yet more and more time passes silently.
Outside, the wind's incomplete unrest
Builds and disperses clouds about the sky,
And dark towns heap up on the horizon.
None of this cares for us. Nothing shows why
At this unique distance from isolation
It becomes still more difficult to find
Words at once true and kind,
Or not untrue and not unkind.
the skies in australia are big and open and blue
i am hysterical
we are all reckless & can't wait to be on 2 wheels again
i was walking through melbourne central shopping centre and now there is a book swap the same kind that there is in that little place in soho where you can borrow or swap secondhand books
got this phillip larkin book 'the whitsun weddings'
i wish that all my friends had giant beds so we could all lie down together in a v v platonic way
sometimes i think humans should just lie around like lions do - i remember the day after my leaving party i was lying in bed with stacey, nat, giles and lucy perched on the end like our lil kitty kat... whenever i lie in bed with a group of people i just think about how once at singapore zoo i read that lions just sleep for 20 hours a day or something, it seems great that they don't have to do much else or maybe in my mind i exaggerated this
it's the worst i have time to write this post but not enough time to do [anything else important]
find myself having lots of lewd conversations, guess i'm back with all the boys
starting a job at a bar today for the first time ever, this is daunting i guess
this morning fraser woke up when i got out of bed and he weirdly sang some of 'new york new york' at me using my name, how nice
i miss you england
keep saying to various people that it's hard to let yourself feel sad when everything is hurtling towards summertime.. there is a television ad for mcdonalds where everyone stands in the giant shadow that the golden arches are making in the parking lot because it's too hot to stand on the regular asphalt.. not that i eat mcdonalds but it's preeeeeetty accurate
here i have to shave my legs and maintain my toenails... i am v tanned already guys woah
two relevant poems from mr larkin:
Home is so sad
Home is so sad. It stays as it was left,
Shaped to the comfort of the last to go
As if to win them back. Instead, bereft
Of anyone to please, it withers, so,
Having no heart put aside the theft
And turn again to what it started as,
A joyous shot at how things ought to be,
Long fallen wide. You can see how it was:
Look at the pictures and the cutlery.
The music in the piano stool. That vase.
Talking in Bed
Talking in bed ought to be easiest,
Lying together there goes back so far,
An emblem of two people being honest.
Yet more and more time passes silently.
Outside, the wind's incomplete unrest
Builds and disperses clouds about the sky,
And dark towns heap up on the horizon.
None of this cares for us. Nothing shows why
At this unique distance from isolation
It becomes still more difficult to find
Words at once true and kind,
Or not untrue and not unkind.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
no new emotions
i tried to get to sleep but i kept seeing the facebook homepage behind my eyelids
lately i feel like i've been nostalgic for things that have never even happened / past lives
even later in the night now, where thoughts seem to go round and round in circles, nothing ever resolving itself or becoming still
underneath my duvet i watch my phone light up
as you call me and then hang up
the whirring noise it makes
earlier that night in the bath i pull at different areas of my skin and feel nothing
my hips are the weirdest looking part of my body i think
but you have never properly seen them
been listening to the rain all night
through computer speakers
which is stupid because it is actually raining outside
on voxer i am sad in my bed and mark is sad on his couch
in a facebook chat thread me and diane want to cry in a giant bathtub
giles tweeted 'very fucked'
natalie hugs me through gchat
we are all sad alone together it is okay somehow
when you are sad people should not tell you "don't be sad"
because secretly we enjoy it, hehe
wanting to belong to someone is a pathetic need
a need which i am ashamed to admit
because we want so much to belong only to ourselves
lately i feel like i've been nostalgic for things that have never even happened / past lives
even later in the night now, where thoughts seem to go round and round in circles, nothing ever resolving itself or becoming still
underneath my duvet i watch my phone light up
as you call me and then hang up
the whirring noise it makes
earlier that night in the bath i pull at different areas of my skin and feel nothing
my hips are the weirdest looking part of my body i think
but you have never properly seen them
been listening to the rain all night
through computer speakers
which is stupid because it is actually raining outside
on voxer i am sad in my bed and mark is sad on his couch
in a facebook chat thread me and diane want to cry in a giant bathtub
giles tweeted 'very fucked'
natalie hugs me through gchat
we are all sad alone together it is okay somehow
when you are sad people should not tell you "don't be sad"
because secretly we enjoy it, hehe
wanting to belong to someone is a pathetic need
a need which i am ashamed to admit
because we want so much to belong only to ourselves
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
drafts / notes / cast offs / name drops
[in the air]
feel lost in my own brain, like there are different versions of me standing in different 'corners' (not that i truly believe brains have corners or w/e) but it's dark and there's nothing connecting us, like some sort of game of murder in the dark but in my brain
real excited by the presence of much drizzy, usher, rihanna + justin in the singapore airline music collection. not sure if i'm going to keep crying but now i have my hilarious silk + diamanté sleep mask so even if i have tears running down my face the hostesses/stewards (have changed this word many times, was initially staff, but that seemed way too poncey) will know not to disturb me
keep having overly sentimental thoughts about crispin, via i am channelling all my sadness onto him / genuinely just feel like he is perf, maybe a perfect idiot AMIRITE LADIEZ [ed: typo of emirate seems pretty hilar]
(opening scenes of prometheus) there seems to be a giant penis in the sky
just thought 'this is some serious shit, this idiot can read a bitch's memory'
this asshole literally just got his hurr did
fassbender seems like a right poindexter
(all those twets were before i knew fassbender was a goddamn robot ok)
just keep thinking 'nerd holiday' re: these assholes sitting near me
dumbass on the plane with 500g container of some vitamins =\
[in melbourne]
at parliament station they are playing john farnham, seems like Celia would love it here, they keep turning it up
just keep thinking 'if i had a rio this would be amazing'
[in 'the country']
want to do a twit pic of the grampians, caption 're: australia - that's what makes u beautiful'
just thinking about how nice it is to go for exercise underneath a mountain, this is why gyms are stupid
i saw mist rising off a dam
doing downward facing doge in a paddock
hey bunny
using old medicines from my cupboard, lol seems real bad/good
all these old things seem new or foreign or in a way like they just don't matter. i feel good about the idea of cutting down all my possessions just because you get to a stage where you realise having stuff is irrelevant
the sun is literally peeking over the mountains through clouds rn
really wish i thought it was a possibility for me to quit drinking for a lil while, seems like that is the only way i'm ever going to quit smoking
wondering how many errands i can do today,
thinking about stephen o'toole and diane marie a lot this morning, prob bc i have 'halo' in my head
people keep telling me that my music taste is crap now, seems like melbourne is still v hip
kept thinking 'goddamn all these basic bitches' in a way that vicki tingle / laurens verdonk might while walking through myer (department store) the other day and lolling to myself
just considering stacey's lovely lady lumps, is this wrong of me? lol
wow the sun is actually filling up the entire room with its glow
feel lost in my own brain, like there are different versions of me standing in different 'corners' (not that i truly believe brains have corners or w/e) but it's dark and there's nothing connecting us, like some sort of game of murder in the dark but in my brain
real excited by the presence of much drizzy, usher, rihanna + justin in the singapore airline music collection. not sure if i'm going to keep crying but now i have my hilarious silk + diamanté sleep mask so even if i have tears running down my face the hostesses/stewards (have changed this word many times, was initially staff, but that seemed way too poncey) will know not to disturb me
keep having overly sentimental thoughts about crispin, via i am channelling all my sadness onto him / genuinely just feel like he is perf, maybe a perfect idiot AMIRITE LADIEZ [ed: typo of emirate seems pretty hilar]
(opening scenes of prometheus) there seems to be a giant penis in the sky
just thought 'this is some serious shit, this idiot can read a bitch's memory'
this asshole literally just got his hurr did
fassbender seems like a right poindexter
(all those twets were before i knew fassbender was a goddamn robot ok)
just keep thinking 'nerd holiday' re: these assholes sitting near me
dumbass on the plane with 500g container of some vitamins =\
[in melbourne]
at parliament station they are playing john farnham, seems like Celia would love it here, they keep turning it up
just keep thinking 'if i had a rio this would be amazing'
[in 'the country']
want to do a twit pic of the grampians, caption 're: australia - that's what makes u beautiful'
just thinking about how nice it is to go for exercise underneath a mountain, this is why gyms are stupid
i saw mist rising off a dam
doing downward facing doge in a paddock
hey bunny
using old medicines from my cupboard, lol seems real bad/good
all these old things seem new or foreign or in a way like they just don't matter. i feel good about the idea of cutting down all my possessions just because you get to a stage where you realise having stuff is irrelevant
the sun is literally peeking over the mountains through clouds rn
really wish i thought it was a possibility for me to quit drinking for a lil while, seems like that is the only way i'm ever going to quit smoking
wondering how many errands i can do today,
thinking about stephen o'toole and diane marie a lot this morning, prob bc i have 'halo' in my head
people keep telling me that my music taste is crap now, seems like melbourne is still v hip
kept thinking 'goddamn all these basic bitches' in a way that vicki tingle / laurens verdonk might while walking through myer (department store) the other day and lolling to myself
just considering stacey's lovely lady lumps, is this wrong of me? lol
wow the sun is actually filling up the entire room with its glow
Thursday, October 18, 2012
18/10/12
it seems like i don't really have much ambition as a writer, i don't feel the need to 'make it' and i'm not overly concerned if a lot of people read my stuff. i don't really like to market myself because it makes me feel uncomfortable. the main thing i want to do with my writing is, first and foremost, to express myself in a way that for many years has been a compulsion, and in terms of audience, i want to form meaningful relationships with people through my writing. for instance, i have really admired natalie chin's writing for a long time and i now have the pleasure of living in the same country as her and we are becoming really good friends. i have 'dated' people who write and who have written about me in a public forum, and that's fine for me, to a certain extent. to do the kind of writing i do, and to share it with people, you learn to be unafraid in this way. because as closed off as i can sometimes be in person, i can be the complete opposite when it comes to writing. writing has taught me to be constantly aware of my surroundings, emotions, relationships, and in writing about these things i receive some kind of gratification almost instantly, and then possibly more if i post it somewhere and see that people like it. it's an exercise in weightlessness
also been thinking about the internet a lot, i'm not really into narcissism and how the internet seems to feed into that, and that's something i'm working on too. although i do like some things about the internet, like how other people on the internet feel a lot of the same things as me, although it's probably bad because we validate each other's shittyness, but sometimes i need that
the other day we were talking about how we don't like people who aren't cynical but we are probably just assholes.
things i care about: bad bitches, cups of tea, watching the leaves change colour, beyonce and cats
all i want is for someone to actively give a shit about me
every day i walk through the woods up the road from my house. in england right now it is the 'two jumpers and a beanie' kind of cold that i like. when i am walking i notice the light coming through the trees. it is something that just exists without any effort, something that i cannot touch yet seems tangible. you can only see the leaves falling if you are standing still, this is the same with a lot of things, you need to stop, take your headphones off and just be in it. there are all of these things we do to distract ourselves from whatever is going on, it seems like i am always doing this
already, i am tired of thinking about the same things, the same people. i am so fickle in my emotions, going from one thing to the next trying to find whatever meaning i can. scared about the times that you will not be here, but as always regardless of who or what there is, we keep moving forwards, not even necessarily because we have to, but because we should and we can
also been thinking about the internet a lot, i'm not really into narcissism and how the internet seems to feed into that, and that's something i'm working on too. although i do like some things about the internet, like how other people on the internet feel a lot of the same things as me, although it's probably bad because we validate each other's shittyness, but sometimes i need that
the other day we were talking about how we don't like people who aren't cynical but we are probably just assholes.
things i care about: bad bitches, cups of tea, watching the leaves change colour, beyonce and cats
all i want is for someone to actively give a shit about me
every day i walk through the woods up the road from my house. in england right now it is the 'two jumpers and a beanie' kind of cold that i like. when i am walking i notice the light coming through the trees. it is something that just exists without any effort, something that i cannot touch yet seems tangible. you can only see the leaves falling if you are standing still, this is the same with a lot of things, you need to stop, take your headphones off and just be in it. there are all of these things we do to distract ourselves from whatever is going on, it seems like i am always doing this
already, i am tired of thinking about the same things, the same people. i am so fickle in my emotions, going from one thing to the next trying to find whatever meaning i can. scared about the times that you will not be here, but as always regardless of who or what there is, we keep moving forwards, not even necessarily because we have to, but because we should and we can
Saturday, October 6, 2012
4/10/12
it's a cliche to want what you can't have which is why that's annoying. also annoying that i find apathy so attractive. the most important thing about you is skin, then disposition
i like walking around south london by myself and feeling awkward on the tube. i have no idea why but it makes me feel good. i'm afraid if anyone even slightly dislikes me, but at the same time i don't feel eager to please. afraid of feeling alone not being alone. afraid i will spent my life looking for a certain kind of love and never finding it. where are you
seems like i have achieved a new level of apathy, feel v pleased with this, paradoxically. the other day my boss said i had a 'quiet assuredness'. i mean sure i guess so
don't feel attractive when my hair is tied up at all. dislike how dry my hands get. never grow my fingernails long. always wear a watch
keep wondering if the guy at waitrose was flirting or just being nice to me because i was a customer. i don't know how to respond to flirting. think i responded by turning red and then dropping my coins all over the floor. in some ways i think i am the same as i will ever be. god does that even make sense i am so tired. it is late at night i'm sitting in bed feeling sad downloading sexy rnb music
find myself thinking at least 3 times a day how weird the band name 'dashboard confessional' is, like what does that even mean. so stressful
one afternoon susie and i sat in a park drinking cider and talking about where we wanted to go in the world, what we wanted to do. we watched all the squirrels running around in the park. we felt free, unattached. i love susie. in a way that is just so familial and intimate. i like to be able to have friendships that are more like that. i like inside jokes a lot. think i am secretly funny. not sure. maybe not
constantly have drake lyrics stuck in my head, currently: 'how did a pile of kush become the mountain of truth/how did a bottle of wine become the fountain of youth'. somehow i always read something meaningful into really stupid rap lyrics
hang on a second just want to check my facebook. okay great that was fantastic and useful and life-affirming jk
just heard that it was raining outside. made my tummy do something funny
i don't know what this is, as i am writing i feel as though it will not take form, like i am typing these words into air
i am typing these words into the air and my macbook materializes underneath my fingers
i like walking around south london by myself and feeling awkward on the tube. i have no idea why but it makes me feel good. i'm afraid if anyone even slightly dislikes me, but at the same time i don't feel eager to please. afraid of feeling alone not being alone. afraid i will spent my life looking for a certain kind of love and never finding it. where are you
seems like i have achieved a new level of apathy, feel v pleased with this, paradoxically. the other day my boss said i had a 'quiet assuredness'. i mean sure i guess so
don't feel attractive when my hair is tied up at all. dislike how dry my hands get. never grow my fingernails long. always wear a watch
keep wondering if the guy at waitrose was flirting or just being nice to me because i was a customer. i don't know how to respond to flirting. think i responded by turning red and then dropping my coins all over the floor. in some ways i think i am the same as i will ever be. god does that even make sense i am so tired. it is late at night i'm sitting in bed feeling sad downloading sexy rnb music
find myself thinking at least 3 times a day how weird the band name 'dashboard confessional' is, like what does that even mean. so stressful
one afternoon susie and i sat in a park drinking cider and talking about where we wanted to go in the world, what we wanted to do. we watched all the squirrels running around in the park. we felt free, unattached. i love susie. in a way that is just so familial and intimate. i like to be able to have friendships that are more like that. i like inside jokes a lot. think i am secretly funny. not sure. maybe not
constantly have drake lyrics stuck in my head, currently: 'how did a pile of kush become the mountain of truth/how did a bottle of wine become the fountain of youth'. somehow i always read something meaningful into really stupid rap lyrics
hang on a second just want to check my facebook. okay great that was fantastic and useful and life-affirming jk
just heard that it was raining outside. made my tummy do something funny
i don't know what this is, as i am writing i feel as though it will not take form, like i am typing these words into air
i am typing these words into the air and my macbook materializes underneath my fingers
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
3/10/12
must remember everything, thoughts feelings, recurring, what you love, what you don't love, who you are, who you aren't, anxieties, heart palpitations, all the sounds that a house makes, reflection, never saying 'i love you', what does it mean, word documents, finally knowing now, the idea of you, everything instinctive, audible collar bones, warped windows, zipping up my jumper as i walk through the woods, these tiny details of a life, autumn air, the moon but who cares, lost loves, coffee cups, "the gentleness of the abyss", songs that remind me of you, i want to be more like them, the secret fears i hold inside of myself, can't wake up, fuck love poems, but you know that don't you, mirrored mannerisms, as many days as i can remember, hoping for blue sky, holding hands because we are tired and high, kindness, never stops, whatever we want whenever, gchat noise nostalgia, ritualistic, always somewhere, breathing, feeling calm on the london underground, nausea, finding, thanks but i don't care, less and less every day
Thursday, September 20, 2012
tigermoth
at least for now we seem to be heading into the blue
the verdant north
here at least nothing clouds my head
and regarding clouds they have insistent uniqueness
one side they hug the skyline and the other they just seem to blend together making everything quite blue
or almost purple
i'm sure people call it indigo or violet, the grey areas of blue
the verdant north
here at least nothing clouds my head
and regarding clouds they have insistent uniqueness
one side they hug the skyline and the other they just seem to blend together making everything quite blue
or almost purple
i'm sure people call it indigo or violet, the grey areas of blue
Monday, September 3, 2012
03/09/12
we walk together with linked arms through central london because that is the only way we can face it all. people look at you and they don't look at you. i'm sitting cross-legged on the floor of your room in the dark typing typing and i don't know what any of this means and i don't know if i know myself or if i even care about anything at all anymore except foreign cities and looking out train windows and the way things look in the glow of my laptop. on the train ride i couldn't sleep even though i was so tired i just kept thinking about you tucking my hair behind my ears and my god that felt so good to remember. there are things i try to love and there are things i try not to love and i'm not sure which is worse. walking in the streets through piss and puke and glitter we don't give a fuuuuuck. and i really really don't know what i'm becoming and if it's better or worse than before but it is something. i'm sick of pretending i don't love what i love anymore. why why why do all the good ones have girlfriends we say and what picture of drake should i use as my cover photo quick this is important can you please download mighty ducks 2. oh the light coming through the window makes beautiful patterns on the walls of your bedroom at this time of night i wish you could see it. remember when i closed my eyes and all i saw were kiwifruit. i'm so afraid of everything but i pretend not to be and it's easy to give in to you because your skin feels like home but why can't my own skin feel like that. i know a lot about hands now, and the first time i held yours in a forest somewhere and the first time i held yours in a forest somewhere and the first time i held yours in a street somewhere and the first time i held yours in a bed somewhere. taking your fingers in mine like lengths and lengths of love.
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