Why I Love Susie: Part 3

Last night I was feeling pretty bummed out so I decided to get out my old notebooks and old letters from Susie.

Me and Susie have been friends for roughly 5 years. In this time we have sent a lot of packages to one another due to the fact that there is an ocean between us. I txt Susie saying: "I am going through all the stuff you have sent me. I love you. I am getting emotional lol". Me and Susie have said we should stop using 'lol' but I just can't, feel like it adds a lot to that message. The following is an excerpt from one of Susie's letters:

"Dear Chan Marshall,

Yours is the kind of music I'll listen to when I'm 36 and want to teach my kids stuff. Like my mum did with Joan Armatrading, is that okay? Right now I can smell bananas and I can hear the morning, you know, even though I don't live near the sea, I can hear it in the hollow breeze. There really is such a thing as a hollow breeze, you know it. Holds promises. Promises of another day. And just a day is enough. That's all we can ask for anyhow.

You're like a teleporter, did you know?"




I understand but I don't agree with this theorem. A wine glass clearly has two halves, the handle and the, erm, bit that the wine goes in. You are absurd.





Also, Happy NY. Thank you for reading our blog in 2010. We really appreciate it. I want to hug each and every one of you and maybe kiss you full on the mouth if you'll let me. See you in 2011.

my summer reading list

i feel like summer is a good time for me to get back into good reading habits. here is a list of books i aim to read over the summer:

a general theory of love / thomas lewis, fari amini, and richard lannon (currently reading) (bought from unity books)
loneliness as a way of life / thomas dumm (currently reading) (bought from readings in melbourne)
seeing further: the story of science and the royal society / edited by bill bryson (borrowing from brad) (currently reading)
the fry chronicles / stephen fry (xmas present from sam)
heart of darkness / joseph conrad (bought from jasons books)
how we are hungry / dave eggers (bought from borders)
brother of the more famous jack / barbara trapido (borrowing from susie)
love is a dog from hell / charles bukowski (borrowing from oxana)
good morning, midnight / jean rhys (bought from jason's books)
junky / william s. burroughs (borrowing from kiki)
nuncle and other stories / john wain (borrowing from ali)

weirdly enough, i don't ask to borrow these books, people always seem to give them to me in a 'i just thought you would like this' kind of way, which is nice.

doubt I will read all of these, but I am ever hopeful.

a virgin's guide to making macarons

On boxing day I made my first batch of macarons and they were successful. This might be because I watched a video about making them or because I am some sort of genius. I think that if you do a bit of reading about them then just choose one recipe and follow it really well you will succeed. But because I have made them twice and they have worked both times, I feel somewhat qualified to give advice to macaron newbies.

This is a summary of the things you do when making them.

1. Separate and age egg whites.
2. Combine dry ingredients, seive to make super fine
3. Make meringue mix using castor sugar
4. Add dry ingredients to meringue (with colouring/flavouring if required)
5. Pipe onto tray and leave for an hour
6. Cook for 15-17 mins
7. Make desired filling and pipe into shells when cool

Below are more explicit instructions which I hope help you avoid any macaron stress.

First, you can't be in a hurry when you want to make macarons. You have to age your egg whites at least overnight but preferably for a few days. Separate about 4 egg whites (3 if you have bigguns) and leave them in the fridge for a couple of days (or just on the bench if you're doing 24 hrs).

When they're ready, organise your dry ingredients. Put 110g almond meal and 200g icing sugar (if you're making chocolate ones or if you have powdered food colouring, put your cocoa/coloured powder in now as well, about 3 tablespoons is good cause they get lighter when they cook) into a food processor and whizz that shit til all the lumps are gone. Take it out and sieve it to get out the lumpy bits from the almonds. Set aside.

Measure out 90g of your egg whites into another bowl. With an electric handwhisk, beat them for about 30 seconds til they're foamy. Still whisking, add 25g castor sugar (I've used just white sugar and it works fine). Whisk this til it's shiny and looks like shaving cream. It takes about 4-5 mins. If you've made pavlova or meringues before, then you're looking for something that looks like that.

Add the almond/sugar mix to your meringue mixture. It doesn't really matter which way you do this - you can break up the eggs with a few spoons of the dry ingredients if you want, but basically you just want to combine the two without overbeating, so you can put it all in at once if you want. If you want to colour them with liquid food dye, put a few drops in now.

Now when it's all combined it should be quite sticky and heavy. People say it looks like lava, but I have never seen lava before (and it frankly baffles me that so many cooks just understand lava as a reference point) so if you pick up a spoon of it and try to make a point but the point disappears back into the mix, then it is about right.

Line two trays with baking paper (or silicone tray lining things if you have those) and ready yourself for piping. People who know stuff about piping bags would know the correct term for which nozzle to use, but I just suggest the one that looks kinda like a star. If you put a tiny nozzle on then you will be piping for ages and your arm will start hurting and it will be harder to get nice circles. Stand the bag up in a tall glass while you fill it.

While you pipe, hold the nozzle in the centre on the bottom of the tray and let the mixture sort of seep outwards. Gives you nice round circles. It's up to you how big you make your macarons - that will determine how many you end up with. Diameter of mine averages out to about 3cm I think and I've managed to get about 44 shells out of a mix.

Me piping with a too small nozzle.

At this stage, you gotta leave those puppies sitting out for at least 30 minutes. They're meant to develop a "skin" and this is how your macarons get "feet" (I don't know the science for it, but the gooey insides like push the "skin" away from the tray and that's what the feet is). Basically the longer you leave them the better. An hour is good.

You need a slow oven to cook these guys, so preheat your oven to about 150 degrees. You do have to know your oven though, so if it is a hottie, scale it back appropriately. They take about 17 minutes to cook or some shit like that - again it depends on how big you piped them - but check them at 15 minutes to see how they're going.

After taking them out of the oven, you might find they don't come away from the baking paper. People say to steam them off the tray which just involves taking the macarons off the tray with the paper, spraying the tray with water, then putting the macarons back on the tray. I have not tried this though, I just wait til they're cold and gently lever them off with a spatula.

Macarons with their little feet.

And after they're cold, fill them with whatever your heart desires. I've heard of people putting jam inside them, but that sounds weird and gross. Ganache is really good. Boil a quarter of a cup of cream and pour over like 125g of chocolate (white chocolate is quite good) and combine. You can pipe this too, but it's just as easy to spread if you're gentle. The shells are a bit delicate though.

Leaving the macarons before eating them is a good idea because the filling seeps into the shell and makes it uber uber tasty. I can't tell you how long they last for though because people just eat them all up. They are actually the best thing ever.

These were my second batch. They are super chocolatey.

i am alone and i read internet things and think about myself and try

I just read about Robert Downey Jnr on wikipedia. I have always found him attractive. When I think of him I think "I want to see Due Date" then I think "me and so-and-so were meant to see it but now I bet I won't see him for a while" I consider txting him to organise the movie anyway. I think "he looks a bit like RDJ" (I think the acronym) then I remember that comedy band I saw at Will Ma manor with someone else when we went together and how I wore my pinafore and I was freezing and he only kissed me goodbye and did not walk me all the way home. I wonder if I could publish this as 'bad poetry' on the blog and whether I would take out people's names and whether these thoughts are poetic at all, could people care about this?







one day I woke up with scratches behind my ear
first I thought it was a rash
then I thought maybe I had been raped and drugged

I do not have sharp nails and
I do not have a cat but
I have a bracelet made of peg wires
I guess I sleep with my hands behind my neck

I kept my hair down because people exclaimed
I like that they thought "stuff" about my neck
I liked to touch the scratches
they were a mystery to me

I liked that maybe I would have interesting mysterious neck scars
The scars seemed like a gift
I like all the scars that I have
There are scars on my left arm because I am right handed

a string of statements to form a questionable poem

listening to the mountain goats
my blog has been viewed 48 times today
i feel like dying

day in review: saturday 25 december

Arose 9.50am, did presents with sisters and mum. Received mostly fine gifts, but a SWEET AS BIKE (see Stacey's post for pic) so 9/10 I would say. Had a breakfast muffin then began cooking epic dinner for family.
Entre: melanzane parmigiana (eggplant parma) 10/10
Main: roast chicken with vegies / glamorgan sausages (leek and cheese welsh style sausages for my vegie sis) with sage stuffing - fucking best thing I've ever made in my whole life 10/10
dessert: pear tart with white christmas tea (from T2) syrup and mascarpone only 8/10 because I forgot to blind bake the pastry and it was slimy, but the pears were utterly magnificent
the eating and cooking took up much of my day but I'm glad because otherwise it would have been a bit weird and boring. alice downloaded music like the supremes and the ronettes and the temptations so we were all singing and listening to motown stuff whilst eating chrimbus dinner 10/10.
after that, me and my sister watched singing in the rain which is a really good movie, it's actually hilarious 10/10
had a lengthy skype chat with my home gurl stacey 10/10



Alice and I then attempted to watch sherlock holmes starring robert downey jnr but it kept skipping to weird places and mum attempted to fix it to no avail 3/10 I wanted to go for a ride on my new bike and look at christmas lights so my sisters and I hopped on our bikes, played music on alice's new itouch and went for a ride even though we had 1.5 helmets between us 10/10. we cranked biebs and first aid kit and yelled merry christmas at the young folk 10/10.
returning home, alice worked her magic on sherlock holmes and we watched robert downey in all his sexiness for about an hour then fell asleep 10/10.

the romantic by poncho peligroso

the romantic by poncho peligroso is 92 pages of a pdf

it starts with a poem called 'epilogue, part 1' and then a little later there is 'epilogue, part 2'
in these there are things like:

"i wanted you to always be just about to leave
I wanted you to always be lit by the setting sun"

"i like being around you and talking to you"

feel like i can relate to these feelings, which is good when you are reading poetry, i think.

it goes through poems written in each month of the year. in may he writes a poem called 'baby, you got it all' and i like it because it uses the word jurisdiction and talks about owning someone's heart but not really owning it.

sometimes he talks about modern things like emoticons and facebook and wireless keyboards and blog stats and fail as a verb.

he says:

"i want to fall so in love
that i can feel myself getting dumber"

sometimes he is funny

he uses 'lol' once

there are less poems about romance than i think there is going to be considering the title

scrolling down this pdf document is hurting my wrist

he has a poem called 'determinism is the only philosophical concept that i worry about on a regular basis'. i can dig this. i remember in my psych class when the tutor said, "hate to break it to you but we actually have no free will" and everyone was really shocked. in his poem he talks about how the idea of fate is both comforting and terrifying. he uses the term 'confirmation bias'. he says that life is structured like a river.

in august he writes a poem called 'i want to have unprotected sex with you forever' which is about giving into our biological urges probably. he says 'i want to marriage the fuck out of you'. he says 'BAM BAM BAM FIDELITY'. it amuses me.

one of my favourites is 'good morning honey' and i like it just because it is quite sweet but realistic:

"statistics point overwhelmingly towards
our dreams never coming true
i hope you are okay with this
i love you
i think you're very pretty"

i would like someone to write a poem like this about me one day.

he says:

"my god you smell good
you shouldn't like me
i'm a wreck these days"

it reminds me of something.

also in august, he writes a poem called 'you say it first' and i like it a lot:

"emailed you
waited
saw an email
one new message
heart beat loud
and i know now:
borders has a sale








i miss you so much."


i like it because i have emailed someone and i have waited and i have had borders emails at inopportune times, and I have heard my heart beating, and i have missed someone. sometimes there is beauty in just putting words down on a page, and they don't have to be poetic or anything. they just have to come from the right place.

the last poem is 'the romantic'. it ends with the word 'please' centred, and alone on a page.

it is a fitting end.

ponchopeligroso.com

weather

i feel something inside of me start to shift
like how i know when the weather is about to change
from sunshine to rain
it's raining
it's goddamn pouring

i know myself

Day in review 25/12/10

I woke up at around 9am. I got up and made some toast and then went into the lounge and me and my dad watched a bit of The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas; it was pretty bad (3/10). My sister joined us in the lounge and we opened a couple of presents. My mum got me an ampersand book end, which is actually pretty cool (8/10) and Sex and the City 2 on DVD (1/10, but it made me lol so maybe 4/10). Then I gave my dog a bath, and when I was drying her she kept trying to hump the towel (0/10 for dog weirdness). Then I had a shower, got dressed, cleaned, and started helping my mum in the kitchen. All pretty standard christmas day stuff. My family show up at about 11.30, and we prepared food and sat around talking. More family showed up. We ate lunch, and I had way too much, naturally (2/10, but also 10/10 at the same time). We opened presents after lunch. I got cool tea stuff and underwear, socks and money. I also got an inane amount of candy etc. Then we had dessert, and I had some pavlova, trifle and a gingerbread lady (9/10 for yum in my tum). Sam calls me mid way through dessert and we talk for about 15 minutes; he got a slow cooker christmas (9/10 for easier access to slow cooked meats). At about 3.30pm we went to my grandma's house where my dad's side of the family were. I helped set up skype on my grandma's laptop and then we all talked to my aunty from Sydney. My cousins made me laugh a lot (10/10 for sweet as cousey bros). I felt my sister's baby kick for the first time, it was so strange and magical (10/10). We stayed there until about 7pm. When we got home we had leftovers and watched The Brothers Grimm, it was okay (7/10). Then I had an hour long skype date with Susie (see pictures below), we laughed, we cried, it was an emotional roller coaster ride (not really) (10/10). Afterwards I talked to Sam because he was having "girl issues", and I went to bed at 12:30am. Great day - 9/10.

dinosaur friends

i'm glad i have friends that will talk about dinosaurs with me
and when i say "hey i can just imagine dinosaurs in this landscape"
they don't make fun of me
they imagine it too
and when i wonder how big a t-rex is
they stop to figure it out
and we ask our friend brad
and he thinks about it
and gives us an approximation
and we say "wow that is big"
then i tell them about how i watched a documentary
where an ankylosaurus kills a t-rex
and the t-rex babies stand by her while she dies
and they keep making squealing noises
and it made me really sad
then we talk about how dinosaurs lived for longer than we have
and that one day we will be extinct too
we stop to think about that for a second
then i say "rawrrrrrrrrrrr"
and we keep on walking

posture

i closed my laptop
i rang a friend
i cried

my friend and i walked
we talked about memory and atheism
we smoked

our tofu was silken and delicious
we did not finish our food
we left a $3.60 tip

we are the same kind of interested in each other

hunger

i have really bad letters in my scrabble game, all vowels, goddamn it

made important life decision at 12:38am

i have eleven tabs open on my firefox browser

there are more good days than bad days

i want to write a series of poems about dinosaurs

the smell of sunscreen on skin

my dad is humming a george michael song, shame dad

i've forgotten what my favourite things are

no one knows me like you do

here i am, looking up turkey puns on the internet

i flail my arms around wildly and my cat thinks i'm weird

i am wearing socks in bed and it is summertime

i'm going to write a poem and call it 'mammalian loneliness'

some of my poems got published here, and that's nice

some australian colloquialisms

no wuckas - this means no worries and is abhorrent. I say it in jest from time to time

yeah nah - apparently we share this with NZ. Most people will say "yeah", trail off, then say "nah" to start up the sentence again.

full on - often means "to assail one directly". eg "he came at me full on in the face". Or, can simply mean "totally" eg "we full on won that game". Alternatively, it can mean something that was really intense.

fuck off - refers to the scale of something, in terms of how intimidating it is. Like, "a big fuck off bag off lollies" or "she had some crazy fuck off tittehs"

mate - yes, we do say mate in this country. In my experience though, pretty much only men can pull off the mate. I said it on Friday night when this guy was asking me and my friends for some change and I think I did an okay job. It felt like a good way to let him down and make him go away, but seem kind at the same time. Saying mate is authoritative and reassuring, and lets the recipient know that your intentions are good.

g'day - almost in the same league as mate, but slightly less. I don't really know many people who use this term.

youse - plural form of you, typically used by "bogans" or the uneducated. I just saw it on facebook spelt like "use".

no worries - this is kinda like "you're welcome" or "sure". One often uses it to receive thanks

thongs - flip flops or jandals in NZ

fairo - Australians have a tendency to add an o on the end of words, like "righto" or "Tommo" or "Jacko". saying fairo is a less uptight way of saying "fair enough" and makes one feel slightly egyptian

trackies - trackpants. comfortable for lounging.

shit son! - expresses surprise or is a general exclamation. Also used by me in jest.

bogan - there are a few different types of bogans. They usually wear thongs with trackies, or ugg boots with leggings and talk about their pregnancy loudly on the train, whilst drinking some sort of bourbon and cola drink before 10am.

I should make it clear that nobody actually says "you flamin' galah" here!

NZ colloquialisms

Westie: One who dwells in West Auckland. More commonly associated with being a bogan, or Outrageous Fortunes. These people can mostly be found in suburbs such as Massey, Glen Eden, Henderson, Ranui, and Sunnyvale. I grew up in West Auckland, but am not a 'Westie'.

'Hard out' or 'hard': When in agreement with a colleague, you may reply by saying 'hard' or 'hard out'. There is usually some emphasis put on 'hard', e.g. 'haaarrrrd'. I sometimes say this because I think it's funny, hard out funny aye.

Mean: Usually pronounced 'meeeeeean' and more often than not, is followed by 'bro'. Similar to 'hard out' in that one would use this word after hearing a statement they are in agreement with, or which gives them some pleasure.

Choice: A typically kiwi word, I think. Similar to 'mean'. When you think something is 'choice', I imagine you would quite like the thing in question, be it an object, an act or an idea. E.g. "I think your dress is choice bro." (Bro is optional).

Chur: Similar to mean or choice. Used when you think something is 'choice' or as an alternative to 'thank you'. E.g, When you're chilling with your bros, and one of your bros makes you some toast, you can say 'chur' or 'chuuuuuurrrr'.

I reckon: I don't know if this is a typically kiwi thing to say but I hear people (kiwis) saying it a lot and with gusto. For e.g. when you agree with something one of your bros says, you'd be like 'I reeeecken'.

Sweet as: 'Sweet' or 'sweet as' is similar to most of these other words. It is used to confirm that something is okay, or to communicate that something is good. E.g. "I'm going to be a bit late" "Sweet as". Also, adding 'as' to things is kiwi as.

A video post to say there will be no more video posts

Rainy Sunday = writing, chilling with my dog and listening to garage rock.

a sunday poem

facebook

okay so maybe i'm not okay with this
i thought i was but then
i saw something
that set off
one million
little
bombs
inside of my
intestines,
stomach,
liver &
pancreas
prompting me to think
"okay so maybe i'm not okay with this"
and then rushing to my computer
with the feeling
still berating
my insides

20 received texts from 2010

so I started compiling this much earlier in the week and it seemed funnier/like a better idea. I got bored because I've got like 1200+ saved txt messages. these are my favourite ones that I was bothered enough to select. If you sent me one of these txts and would like me to take it down to "protect" you, just say so and I shall replace it with something like "where are you?" "what time are we meeting" or "hey, you wanna get lunch tomorrow" or something equally riveting.

---

Hi susw mtv

Today i just really do not want to be amongst the living

Wtf my train just hit a cow. GaY

But then I have to cc tally socituly infract

Sam and i just broke up. I will email you tomorrow.

Hey babez, you bizy 2mz arvo? Thort I mite pop round n drop of dat cardiii n pik up mai dress. Luv u biatch xoxoxoxo

Your zines make me smile!

mmmmmmh! (gets in cause it's from mum)

I am now with boyfriend. Swoon.

You can't say that and not explain! Are you ok? I am having an inspiring time. But susan, i have realised that i am almost never alone and i don't know what to say to myself.

Unassuming ey? You'd be the one assuming I don't like it

Oh god, alarming flows seem to be a trending topic #myflowisheavy

Lol. Did you just butt dial me?

Play some sc with me

Please don't feel upset/disheartened. Let me work out some shit in my head, and then I'll talk to you. I had a fun night/morning :)

Oh lord. Did he cry? Or indicate that intercourse might ease his pain?

kick ass and grown ups. Both not too bad! I probs need to leave the house to procure dinner but I really don't wanna to have to put on a bra and/or shoes

I just saw 3 rats.

Nevermind what's "in" susan. The dutch have been wearing them for centuries

Omg Kfc sell roasted corn. This is totally our influence i feel.

Omg I'm in a reasonably attractive businessmen sandwich! I'm surrounded by them!

Maybe

Sometimes I feel afraid that I will die
while spending time with someone
I don't like.

Maybe I'll be in class
with that annoying girl
who always talks about Glee,
and I fall off my chair and crack my head open.

Or I'll be at a party with the girl who
is telling me that she wants a career in marketing
and I get alcohol poisoning and pass out and die.

Or I'll be in line at a Burger King
behind a guy who keeps saying
'hard out bro'
without a trace of irony,
and I slip on the wet floor
and I am taken to hospital
and I never wake up again.

Maybe I'll be with that boy
that I regretted ever kissing.
Or with the cousin that stole my barbie dolls
when we were kids.
Or with the creepy aunty
who sells weed.

I don't want to be with
the co-worker who was cruel to me or
the stranger who made fun of me or
the neighbour who never said hi to me or
the girl who never understood me or
the teacher who never encouraged me or
the boy who never loved me.

Melbourne: Part 2

get ready for love

the thought of eating this caramel koala is making me nauseous

i just had to look up how to spell nauseous

tonight i saw a shooting star and afterwards jumped up and down in excitement

i think i am attracted to people who have an unquantifiable sadness

i noticed that your hand was shaking and i wondered if i was the kind of girl that makes boys nervous

a high school girl just pulled a west side at me from a bus

i wish i meant more to you than a text message

i never know when it is appropriate to hug someone

in your car, there are always beer bottles clinking under the seats

i picked my friend a bunch of daisies from my backyard and she put them in her hair

i spend a lot of my life reading poems on the internet

New topic

Hello. Since all the excitement from my Melbourne trip has died down, it is time for a new weekly topic. Susie suggested "colloquialisms" for the writing topic and I suggested "reading an excerpt from the book you are reading" for the video post. Incorrect ways to use speech marks probz, but this is da internet, a place that is more often than not, grammatically incorrect.

My life currently involves quite a lot of:
Salty hair, various dips, beer, sunburn, books, exciting emails, zines, adventures, writing furiously, lovely people, and cats.

Melbourne: Part 1

C-play

Stace: i am listening to coldplay
Susie: ahahaha
Stace: want to put my headphones on to crank it
Stace: fuck, this could compromise my last fm stats
Susie: haha how much do you plan to listen to them?
Stace: most of parachutes probs
Stace: really getting into this
Stace: when you shivuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh
Stace: uhhhhh uhhhhhh
Susie: lol i must join you
Susie: but i only have some tracks from parachutes!!!
Stace: this is the best convo ever
Susie: i look in your direction
Susie: but you pay me no attention do you
Susie: did you want me to change? well i'll change for good
Stace: i'll be there by your side, just you try to stop meeeeee
Susie: i'll always be waiting for you :)
Stace: sweet guitar riff bro
Susie: omg yellow.... YUS
Susie: IT WAS ALL YELLOW
Susie: DO YOU KNOOOOOW FOR YOU I BLEED MYSELF
Susie: FOR YOU I BLEED MYSELF DRY
Susie: (these are weird but moving lyrics)
Stace: oh sheeit, i have a live version of clocks
Stace: basically singing out loud now
Stace: we have the best taste
Susie: clocks is fucking ace
Susie: hahahaha
Stace: air drumming
Stace: i hope my parents don't hear me listening to coldplay and think that i am uncool

fuck lonely

today in a bookshop i saw this book called
"loneliness as a way of life"
and i think i will go back and buy it
because it might make me feel better,
more meaningful or something.
in the blurb it says that loneliness
leads to true autonomy
and that it is only through loneliness that we can
become true and rational beings.
whatever,
i don't want to be fucking lonely.

minutes

i send you a text message at exactly 11.30pm
and exactly one minute later regret sending it

sometimes i worry that i text you too much
then i remember i am teaching myself to be normal
and i've taught myself that normal people don't think this much

my heart beats fast, anticipating your reply
then i write this

Question video post

Here is the video we made when I was in Melbourne. Sorry that we are lame. Also the editing is pretty bad, as I did it mostly at the airport. Are we "ironically" listening to Kanye? That is for you to decide. Sometimes I forget whether I really like something or if I just ironically like it. It's getting a bit like that these days. Anyway, enjoy our faces and voices. It's 6 minutes long though, so you can give it a miss if you want.

day in review: friday third of december

Woke up about 8am feeling dehydrated and "hungover" 1/10, sourced advil to fix the malady and awake two hours later feeling decent yet tired 4/10. Stacey and I headed to Southern Cross to get a train to Geelong and approved of the sunnyness of the day, things were looking good 6.5/10 (only 6.5 because during this train trip I am internally feeling like a dummy re: the previous evening & other "complicated" feelings/emotions). My friend Amy met us at the train station and took us to a cute cafe where we ate pretty good breakfast 7/10. I forgot my sunnies so Amy stopped by her awesome new place to pick up some I could have a loan 9/10 for generosity, also top marks for Amy's awesome place. Amy then drove us to Torquay and we listened to Best Coast on the way 9.5/10, in high spirits despite the looming alarming clouds, complete with lightning (9/10 for coolness). Torquay was still sunny and lovely, the beach was great even though we just waded. We ate ice cream on the grass and ran into a high school friend. The clouds passed over us without any rain - 10/10 for timing. We found this really warm bit of water near a little river thing which I would give 10/10 if it wasn't slightly weird so 9/10. Then we walked up to this lookout thing and all these flies kinda circled us, Stacey did not like it and I became quite thirsty plus the ground was a bit sharp 5/10. Drove back to Geelong and stopped in at the Mill Markets to look at awesome "vintage" stuff - 8 for stuff, 2 for not being able to afford stuff. Amy took us back to the train station just as it started pouring down and I mean POURING, 9/10 for powerful rain. Back in Melbourne we had chinese for dinner and I felt really refreshed after drinking some lemonade 8/10. I felt very tired and wanted to sleep, but instead Stacey and I watched a film called Monsters which turned out to be rather crap, as if we were constantly waiting for something to happen 3/10. On the plus side I finished a little teacup that I was crocheting 10/10. Then we watched Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry talk about A Bit of Fry and Laurie in a reunion special which is so 10/10 I will paste the video below.



yeah.

that ol' chestnut

on the plane, the guy next to me is watching some will farrell movie and i am watching a documentary about dinosaurs

we are drinking beer and sitting on fake grass

i just watched up in the air and it made me feel incredibly lonely

people only ever want to hear about when you are happy, not when you are sad, but i'll take anyone either way

i am anti-flirtatious

i am standing up on a crowded train and i don't feel awkward

never drink a bottle of wine and then eat a lot of indian food

tonight i cried really hard because i suddenly remembered what it was like to fall asleep next to someone you love

i got home and just thought 'i don't want to be here'

ode to melbourne's weather

sailing on the friend ship

Having Stacey visit me over the last week has led me to ponder friendship. People have been asking us how we met and the answer, less frowned upon in these times, is livejournal. We met in this music community called _indieandbitch_, started trading mix cds and writing letters and the rest is history. I'm sure Stacey wouldn't mind me saying that we actually get on quite well and our friendship hasn't been one of those horror internet stories (ie Stacey didn't turn out to be a rapist or a 13 year old boy from Tulsa), rather it has been an overwhelming success. I confess that I quite wish we didn't live in separate countries.

That thought right there made me start to think about the friends I do have in Australia. So in the tradition of Thought Catalog, here are the different types of friends that I have.

HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS
At high school I guess I was part of the 'misfit' group. We had band geeks, jocks, general geeks, christians, theatre nerds, gamers - we even had a black guy! The thing that brought us all together was the fact that we didn't really fit in with the run of the mill students and (dare I say) were probably smarter than most of them. We dispersed after uni, but I see some of these friends occasionally at birthday parties or on holidays. Some I've drifted away from, but some of these friends have ended up living in Melbourne. I'm happy to say that we're still pretty close. It's funny to see how we've grown into different friend circles in the city, but I'm really glad to have four or five people from high school who know me really really well. When I'm with them it's just so easy and I find them to be really grounding, you know? They make sure I don't turn into too much of a hipster.

UNI FRIENDS
Sometimes I feel as if I like my uni friends more than they like me, because having moved away from my home town I rely more on their friendship than they would mine. I have a pretty small group of uni friends, but we are quite close. We have been embarrassingly drunk together, bitched about tutors together, bitched about assignments, gushed about tutors, gushed about assignments, gushed about boys.. lots of gushing. Also lots of drinking. We are going to be friends for a long time I think.

WORK FRIENDS
Last year I worked at this amazing arts office at my university. The people there turned out to be the best ever and now I count them amongst my nearest and dearest. I still pop in there from time to time and help out at shows and things. It's nice to see how the staff there have evolved but continue to be quite supportive of me in both curricular and extracurricular sense but are also my buddies at the same time.

GIG FRIENDS
So I actually only have one gig friend. One of my uni friends tried to pair me up with a gig friend in first year but that didn't really take off. My friend Zoe who is my gig friend is also an "extended work friend". But the idea of having a gig friend is one I think about sometimes. I'm happy going to big gigs alone. For example I am going to Beach House next year by myself, but only because they are an international band and amazing. It's not like I'm going to miss out on seeing them just because I'll be there alone. For me, gig friends are necessary for local bands. The other week I wanted to go see/stalk a boy in a band and Zoe was more than happy to come along and support me in this endeavour, because I have done this same favour for her in the past. There's sort of a crowd that goes round to the same gigs in these parts, so you need to take protection lest you be considered a weirdie/loner for going alone.

EXTENDED WORK FRIENDS
Through the arts office last year I gathered a few extra chums. These folk often accompany me to gigs and art shows and other exciting things. For example, tonight we are going to the Last Tuesday Society! Through these extended friends and my work friends I have learnt about having older people as friends. If you don't know what it's like, I suggest you try it. It's nice having a wide age range of friends because then you get lots of different perspectives about life and all types of advice about what you should do or appreciate at this stage of your life.

EXTENDED UNI FRIENDS
My sister studies painting at the same university that I do, and incidentally, my high school friend is in the same course as her. As a result, I have found myself hanging out with a bunch of undergraduate artists over the years. My current housemate is actually one of them. These people are mostly delightful and amusing. There have been some good parties! And it's nice to be able to go to art shows and see people I know. Also in this category are friends of my uni friends who I have struck friendships with at parties and the like. I enjoy those kind because it gives my uni friends context.

VOICEWORKS
For those who don't know, Voiceworks is this quarterly literary magazine for writers under 25 that I volunteer for. When I first joined I was really intimidated by how witty and clever everybody on the committee was. I am feeling more a part of them now though and look forward to meetings. It's nice to be in a group of people who are ink addicts. IN THE WRITING WAY. I've also begun to think differently/more about how I write, what I want to write and why I write.

BLOG/ONLINE FRIENDS
To finish off where this whole thing started. I have some other friends who I have been introduced to online and then met in real life. One was this guy who drew comics and ended up living a block away from me. I still live in the same suburb so we see each other sometimes. Another friend I met on livejournal is a girl called Ellie who lives in England. We write letters to each other and I met her last Christmas. She's totally sweet in real life. The internet is a good way to meet people if you're shy. I don't know whether I'm actually "shy", but I do find that I express myself best with words, so the internet is helpful in that regard. It's nice when you meet people who you've known online and they turn out to be really fantastic. Or when you find out someone from real life has a really great blog. That's fun too. Oh and then there are those people you add on facebook and never talk to again. But that's not real friendship. Then there are people you know just through blogs and you get sent nice things from them and will hopefully meet them at Campus a Low Hum!

I have been known to say that I think people have friends for different reasons. There are people who bring out different parts of your personality, support you in different ways - creatively, humourously, ridiculously, absolutely, wholly, slightly, philosophically, emotionally, superficially, not really. But friends are good huh. In the past I've been concerned that I'm different around different people, but now a lot of these categorical lines are blurred, I think that most people would know me as me.

Day in review 28/11/10

Woke up at 11.30 and had fried eggs and ham for breakfast (8/10) then got ready and waited for Fraser and Andrew Murray to come over. Then we caught the train to da citay and got some snacks. From there we caught the tram to Zoe's party in Brunswick and drank cider stealthily out of a Mcd's paper bag (9/10 - stealth points). When we got there we drank lots of beer and talked and watched people play instruments and jumped on the trampoline (9/10). Laura made us this drink with butterscotch schnapps and hot milo and it was yum as (9/10). At several points of the day, me and Susie got into laughing fits, once on the train due to synchronized hand gestures, once on the tram due to crumb eye, and once at the party due to weird baths (10/10). Other highlights include Andrew Murray falling off the tramp, Zoe drumming out of time, awkward cockroach sighting, intense eye contact conversations, obscure question games, and general merriment (10/10). Towards the end when most people had left, me, Zoe and Susie had a phat dance to Best Coast, The Smiths and Beastie Boys in the living room (10/10) and then Tilly joined us and we jammed, with Tilly on guitar , Zoe on drums, me on maracas and Susie on tambourine. We sucked but it was pretty fun anyway (9/10). We stayed there from 3-9pm, getting progressively more drunk as time went along (8/10). Then we all decided to get some food, so we ventured out to this Vietnamese place. Me and Susie shared a tofu stack, dumplings and cashew nut chicken, it was most delicious (9/10). Then, since we were all practically falling asleep at the table, Fraser offered to pay for a cab home (10/10 for generosity) and we got home at about 11.30. Fantastic day with the loveliest of people 10/10.

hip hop hooray

Susie and I at Beardo exhibition

Melbourne Post 1

Hi guys. As you may or may not know, Stacey is currently in Melbourne. Therefore we have decided to do a q & a video post in the style of Being Blanche (only probably less funny and more sexy). The questions can be about anything, they can be anonymous, and as serious or silly as you wish.

E.g.
What flavour chips do you like most?
Have you ever been in love?
What's your favourite author?

You should post some because it would bum us out hard if nobody does it.

Love,
Susie and Stacey.

p.s. we like gin and tonics and laughing like idiots

going to georgia

"The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway is that it's you and that you're standing in the doorway."

Goddamn, I love this song.

some things about stuff

Whilst going through our skype chat logs for the other thing, I discovered that Susie and I often declare our love for many inane things, as follows:

i love gmail
i love people who love animals
i love those image tumblrs
i love my job
i love neko case
i love the vulgarity of it
i love naan
i love scrapbooky notebooks
i love john safran
i love to be comfy
i fucking love that movie
i love you no matter what!
i love getting videos
i love being ironic in an overly girlish fashion
i love my sister
i love carrie, she is so fallible
i love that show so much
i love cat friends
i love you
i love those guys
i love pretending to be a middle aged poet
i love using nightmare as an adjective
i love girl musicians
i love your gutz babe
i love beginnings
i love robin hood
i love their friendship
i love that you think that about him
i love the bit where charlotte gets fierce at Big
i love the world

Also, here is my video post re: something beautiful (my cat Winnie):

this is whats up today

sun
beer
bad haircut
bad sunglasses
good music
good day

minimal needs

I have started listening to Deerhunter and I like this song. I thought the choruses were lush and leaning towards beautiful. A music teacher I had once would have called it a sonic bath.



If you download the album, another good track is He Would Have Laughed.

not sorry

mum, i love you, but please stop sending me forward emails

today i learnt that avocados are good for your uterus

what am i doing at 11:30pm on a saturday night reading Plato's Symposium? (fuck)

i always have the best harry potter-related dreams

i am experiencing feelings of extreme self-loathing during my friend's dance recital

i stand outside and just listen to the world

kindness is a good place to start

the thing about you and me is that we are not afraid to hurt each other

i miss being eighteen and just being so goddamn stupid

i just googled everybody i know

in my mind i swear quite a lot

"please love me"

Mine and Susie's skype conversations concerning boys:

Stace: i feel like i always need to find a boy to help me forget about the last boy
Susie: i feel like i am always whining about some boy who doesn't like me

Stace: goddamn boys
Susie: yeah they suck
Susie: but are awesome also
Stace: YES

Stace: i really need to study but it's just so dull and hard
Susie: like heartache
Stace: yes
Stace: and i have that too
Susie: me too

Susie: how good are boys
Susie: just to hang out with

Susie: i'm worried about you going near something like that again
Stace: i'm going to get hurt no matter what i do. i can't be afraid to get hurt

Susie: i want to bake some banana muffins
Susie: but i like to make them with dates
Susie: and i have no dates.
Susie: i'd like to GO ON A DATE

Susie: lolol omg the thing where your dad told you not to put out early!!!
Stace: i just had the biggest laughing fit of my life. awkwarrrrrd

Stace: i think it's funny that we call them boys even if they are like 28
Susie: yeah! i know

Susie: man the other night i was walking home
Susie: and i just felt like nobody would ever love me

this is our 300th post and it is about boys

I have called this poem 'hey love'

there is no hole in my heart, only fear.
fear of how if i stop to think about being
on a planet called earth in a solar system in a galaxy -
fear of how much that really freaks me out
fear of how they look at me when i say so
i'm trying to conquer fear with knowledge but
those books you have to read to learn are good
to throw when you get scared.

hey love, i think you can help me.
i think about times i slept with him and
i think it helps me sleep better so
i replay it over and over but
i'm not in a film or a book or a song so
it's just weird of me.

i wonder what will stop me feeling it and
i do not know you so
sometimes i convince myself
that you can fix this.

Topics

The topic this week is something Susie and I discuss on a daily basis: Boys. It may sound lame, but trust us on this one.

The video post can be about something you think is beautiful. It can be anything at all.

a whiny cat at the window

Twice this week I've said "I'm a bit of a city girl now". I moved to Melbourne almost three years ago to study. This week I've been visiting my mum in the country and have been feeling some weird feelings about "where I live" in relation to "who I am". I think it's a true statement in terms of my actions but inside me I'm really unsure.

In first year I lived in a tiny shoebox flat. It was in a student housing complex mostly accommodated by asian international students, who seldom spoke to me when I was in the lift and who I often heard screaming at alarming times of the morning. I've blocked most of that year out of my memory, but my one point of salvation that year was going for walks to the Carlton Gardens and writing in the park behind the Melbourne Museum. It was particularly delicious in the autumn when leaves swamped the grass with their crunchiness. During this time I noticed how much tubbier city possums were.

Second year I moved in with my high school bestie into our own little flat. We were so excited and proud of our little pad, but throughout the year I think we realised we couldn't ignore how different we are. We had some fun times though, exploring that suburb and getting to know Melbourne a bit more together. We would play dressups then go to do the weekly shop. I don't think you really understand the city until you get to know the suburbs a bit. I learnt that Hawthorn smells like jasmine and the importance of express trains.

My last move was for convenience. I stayed on my sister's loungeroom floor for a month or so until she moved out of her room which I promptly took. I am living there now but I really dislike it (anyone who reads my twitter would probably be aware of this). I'm still in Hawthorn, less east, and I am realising how much I do like the suburb. It doesn't matter that nothing happens there at night. When I go running I peer into the big beautiful mansions and wonder to myself how many families live there (probably one) and whether I could knock on the door and say that I'm their long lost cousin like I read in one of those creepy stories as a child.

Preparing to write this post really made me think about my experiences in the different places I've lived in. I don't have anything dramatic or overly philosophical to say about moving from the country to the city, only that it feels like I am a different person when I leave each place. When I was walking down the street this week I passed a girl I went to high school with and I thought about people for whom leaving town was never an option. Or maybe they left town but they came back. The things I like about the country aren't actually the people, it's the space, the quiet, the fact that it's where my family and my cat are. I barely leave the house when I go back to visit!

I'm currently facing another move which is really going to stress me out. I want to live in a little sharehouse with some friendly strangers, I've decided. It's just a daunting process. But exciting. Very exciting. I hope to find a place with a backyard as I feel this may solve all my problems. Speaking of problems, as per the subject title, I've got a cat to attend to.

My cartoon for the weekly topic is Babar. This episode was on telly the other day and I watched the entire thing. The little elephants are so cute!

do you think you're my other half

A new feature I'm going to call Things I Like On The Internet:

Poetry
Poetry
Poetry
Poetry/Video
Video
Video
Music
Picture
Science/Music/I don't know

six feet under

Brenda: We live, we die, ultimately nothing means anything.
Nate: How can you live like that?
Brenda: I don't know, sometimes I wake up so fucking empty I wish I'd never been born, but what choice do I have?

I remember everything

Getting into arguments over which kind of salt to buy,
The way my body fit your body so imperfectly,
The squishy mole on your back that I liked to squish,
The special language we had,
You holding all of the grocery bags so I didn't have to hold any even though I didn't mind,
Tracing over those two lines of your tattoo that never properly healed,
Assuming that we would be together forever,
Good times and bad times and in-between times,
Making out in Victoria Park on lunch breaks,
Me cooking dinner and you doing the dishes,
Knowing without saying,
Saying 'I love you' and most times meaning it but other times not really sure.

The way we can talk about all of this now with such clarity,
like it was a fictional story that we wrote,
or another life altogether.

Home is where I want to be

I live within the spaces that I inhabit: bedrooms, driveways, backyards, living rooms, lecture theatres, buses, city and suburban streets. I live within the world that I've made for myself. Within this world there are places that I call home. These are all places that I can go to and be myself. I like this feeling of 'home'. But the meaning of home is not limited to places. It can be things, it can be smells or sounds or words or feelings, and it can be people. You know sometimes when you are with someone and it just feels like you are home wherever you are? There is just that sense of cohesion. A lot of the time home can be just wherever all of my stuff is. My books, my clothes, my laptop, my bed, and all of the little knick knacks that make me who I am. I suppose it doesn't matter where you live, as long as you feel like you are 'home'.



SNOOPY MAKES EVERYONE SMILE

a movie

Ever since I saw The Social Network I have been feeling weird. I don't know whether the weirdness can be attributed to something simple like a realisation of how much time I spend on facebook. I think it's more of a realisation that it's an irreversible change to how we are now sociable. Zadie Smith wrote a very thorough article about the film and its implications (yes that's an essay word, but I frankly think I'm entitled to use it after three years of university) for our generation. After I realised that it went for over three pages I nearly gave up - my poor attention span! - but it's worth it. It made me think a few things about facebook that I've thought before, others that I haven't. She analyses the movie in a way that pleased me and has brought up welcome discussion with others.

When I went to see the movie I felt kinda odd afterwards, and not just because I had ice cream in my hair and on my hands (face fortunately free from chocolate), despondent (although that's not unusual) even. Smith's article argues that the current primary mode of communication for our generation has been dreamt up by this one guy Zuckerberg and that as a result, all our personalities are filtered through the different categories he believes define a person, eg, interests, music, books, film, quotations (just check your info page). Zadie Smith gets pretty angry about that. I don't know whether I really mind that sort of categorisation of people or even the other stuff that irks her about the site (shameless self-promotion/careful representation of appearance/all the general bullshit that we do to make ourselves appear a certain way online), I think it's just the fact that there seems to be less actual face time.

I get upset by the amount of time I have to spend on a computer and then when I get on a computer I waste time on facebook instead of actually doing the things that I have to do, which, if completed before wasting time on the 'book, would not take me that much time anyway. One of the things brought up in the article that I'm really glad about is the disturbing way that death is dealt with on facebook. Read it.

I guess I've never really been an outdoors person and the simple act of "being online" is something that lazy people such as myself can get into quite easily. I felt uneasy as the credits of The Social Network rolled and the lights came on. The place was full - there had been lines as we purchased our tickets (though the film did just open) - and everyone was buzzing talking to each other. I just knew that 75% of us were on our way to post something about it on facebook. When I left my friend, I even tried to load my own page as I was waiting for my tram. It didn't load so I played "Klondike" on my iPod instead. I wrote this really lame thing in my notebook the next day: screen to screen to ice cream to iScreen. (How dumb is Klondike? Why isn't it just called Solitaire? I felt proud of myself because I finished a few games earlier in the week and finally got into real $$, as opposed to negative money.) It's a good thing nobody watches tv anymore.

At the beginning of this post, I wanted to write something about how bizarre the whole phenomenon is with facebook, but I've been putting it off because writing about it only encourages it, it being the reliance that I (and others, I'm told) seem to have on this site. Then the other half of my brain chimes in with "it's not really that bad!". I have a tendency to argue within my mind (endlessly) and as a result things of worth seldom come out of it. The thing that I haven't heard anybody say about The Social Network (and the final thing I'm going to torture ya'll with for now) is that it's actually really funny. Best part is where Zuckerberg corrects one of the lawyers who refers to the Winklevoss twins as Winklevosses. Zuckerberg interjects: "Winklevi".

Footloose

Thanks David!

i am like october when i am dead

www.steveroggenbuck.com

sorry if your last name is actually a hard g (susie laughed when i used the term 'hard g')

stay and keep me safe

i stand at the corner of the street and think that i would quite like a rainbow paddlepop

it weirds me out when people are really sure of themselves (self-esteem issues are endearing)

it is very cold in this room so i wrap my cardy around me extra tight

i want to go for a run but i have misplaced my hair tie

my sadness feels like when you get pins and needles and there is that unbearable numbness just before you regain the feeling in your limbs again

i keep getting pen on my shirt and then saying 'shit' under my breath

i just asked a moth very politely to get off my bed

today on my run i stopped to pat a white cat

i turn my music off to listen to the sound of the rain

during dinner i hit you because you were being a dick and you nearly spilled your miso soup

i have way too much lollies and chocolate in my bag for a grown up person

detox countdown

I have started running. Mostly I did it because I have immobility fear after finishing uni. With no reason to leave the house, why on earth would I? The activities I do now are mostly watch shows on my laptop (watched an entire season of Entourage last Tuesday, finished a season of Family Guy over the week - this is serious) and think about what I'm going to eat next. A sedentary (to be fair, more sedentary than usual) lifestyle often leads to weight gain, and this I cannot tolerate. I also have decided that I will not drink until Stacey comes to visit (Nov 23rd). When I tell people I'm doing this "detox" they raise their eyebrows and it seems like they don't believe I can do it. I CAN I TELL YOU, I CAN!

Here are some reasons why I have started running.

1. I want to try to be consistent and reliable. With few constants in my life, it's nice to have something to return to. I am frightened about my concentration levels and my general aptitude for things, so it's good that

2. Running requires no skill or intellect. Once you start, you're halfway there. 

3. It gives me a sense of superiority. I'm usually one of those people who envy the exercising. NO MORE I SAY

4. Clarity. Now, I don't feel "good" or anything the entire time I go running, but when I am on the walk back home from the park I feel more focused and accomplished. I also feel proud of myself.

5. One time visiting my mum I went for a walk around the town and an old man passed me out for a spin on his scooter. He said "good evening" and I was startled so I didn't say anything. It  made me think about how lucky I am to be completely mobile and I thought about how my older self would feel if I waste these young years of relative health. If I start to get tired during my run I think of that man and push myself a bit harder.

You should know that I don't actually run the entire time. I have walk breaks and am quite easy on myself, though in the week that I have been doing it I've already noticed an improvement in my breathing and such. Consistency is a wonderful thing! 

Speaking of wonderful things...

On that note, this week's video post is cartoons. Pick a bunch from fave childhood movies or just scenes that you like now! And the writing topic.. how about something lame like "where I live"? Also just for kicks, you (the reading public) should leave us a comment and tell us where you live!

Friend of the night

Hello. I just had my last exam and I am finished uni until March. I am so happy. I am going to have a pasta party, which basically just consists me of eating pasta with my music turned up really loud.

I made two zines in Aug/Sept. One is about buses and one is about love. I am printing a small amount of each next week. If you want a copy of them email me: staceteague@gmail.com or comment. I like sending people stuff, so it's no big deal. Alternatively I'll just give it to you in "real life".

very belated 'books I am reading' video

Doing video posts when my housemate is home/awake is awkward because in my flat you can hear pretty much everything the other is saying (she has to keep her door open so the kitties can use the litter tray in the hallway). So that's why it sounds like I am... all husky-like. I also apologise for my weird teeth and the faces pulled.



I have been reading Ideas for a few years now, since I got it for Christmas in 2006, but have recently decided that I should give it a real go. When I say "it's about when people started thinking about stuff" it really is. He starts from when man went from being whatevertheyweres (homonids? cannot remember) to sentient beings, when the idea of using fire was initiated, when people started hunting and so on. I'm only up to when religion began. It's unusual but nice for me to read something nonfiction. By Grand Central Station.. on the other hand is almost too poetic for me to read, despite its distinctly smaller size. I have been taking it around in my bag, attempting to read it on the train but as my train journey is only 12-15 (20 on a bad day) minutes, one does not have much time to invest in the intricate recount of the affair Elizabeth Smart had with some poet back in the day.

Also in recent book news I finally read Josephine Rowe's How a Moth Becomes a Boat and I would probably recommend it to most people because, even though there was only one that made my heart go "oh" in a contemplative way, I think that people who are interested in how we write here would really connect with it on that level too.

Finally, if you're viewing this post in a reader, why don't you visit the blog site, we've updated the layout! Leave us a comment and tell us what you're reading. Or whether the layout is too girly.

The Fear

Mel posted this on her blog.

She talks about 'The Fear' which is short for The Fear of Dying Alone. People want so much just to not be alone that they will take whatever they can get. As much as I am scared of The Fear, I am even more scared of settling. Technically, we all die alone. Probably the thing we are really afraid of is not having someone to spend our days with. You know, just someone to pass the time with. I find it weird when people want kids, marriage, mortgage etc, but apparently that's normal (I keep forgetting). I can't picture myself with any of those things. I don't like to visualize the future.

I am not a love cynic, but maybe after a few more broken hearts I might be. I guess I am willing to take on the heartache. I want to risk it. I don't believe in The One, I just think that there are some people out there that are more suited to people than others. For me, I'd say (in NZ) there are approximately 16 boys. That is my guess.

Being single can be nice, it's true. I've been one of those people who has fallen into one relationship after the next and it's actually a little embarrassing. So I'm a single person now, and it's okay. I just want some time by myself, even if it is lonely. It is good for a person to get used to being by themselves. Also, the right guy doesn't just walk up to you/add you on twitter and fall madly in love with you every day does he?

(A: No)
but just in case:
twitter.com/staceteague

MUTUAL DIG

On 29/10/10, at 11:42 PM, Stace wrote:
> i just want someone to dig me that i can dig too

On 29/10/10, at 11:42 PM, Susie wrote:
> yeah mutual dig

Susie always knows exactly what I mean all of the time.

Also she says things like this which make me laugh:

On 29/10/10, at 11:54 PM, Susie wrote:
harry is such a dumb cunt, "is this a map of hogwarts??"
what a shithead

when i'm with you

For the video post for this week, we can read a poem that we have written.

I changed the 'blogs we like' and added a tags list. Because if there is one thing I definitely should be doing right now it is going back and adding tags to all of our blog posts.

Here is some stuff I that I've liked recently:

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8

a new name

one of my flatmates turned the toaster up to 5 and my toast got burnt (resentment)

i'm not going to txt you back because you are being a dick

my dog is chasing a fly around the house with mounting frustration

sometimes when i go running people yell stuff at me from their cars and i don't know what they say and i wish they would leave me alone because i am just a person and i am just running

my sister txt me to say not to forget to call our mum because it is her birthday

when this one cat meows it sounds kind of like a wookie

sometimes i feel like the shyest girl in the whole world

today i saw a girl who literally had legs up to her face (not literally at all)

goddamn you facebook scrabble game server error

on my google search toolbar i type in 'do spiders have brains?" and then feel really stupid

there's this guy in one of my classes and i'm afraid to talk to him because he is so good-looking

listening to Best Coast real loud in the caf and tapping my right foot

i like being alone because it allows you to see so much more

curly hair and no makeup and bare legs

my dad uses the word 'convivial' like it's no big deal

at the bus stop reading my book and my hair is all flying onto my face but i don't mind

that sinking feeling when you've looked at all of your unread tweets

i am sitting outside in the sun and the cars going past sound like the ocean

we are sitting on your deck talking about how scared we are of dying alone

fleece & flower

My childhood was full of shadows, much like my dreams still are. There always seemed to be something just out of reach, something there but not there (or is that just memory). Easter, when we awoke early to see the bunny, a tangible black shape moved in front of four big brown eyes.

Our shadows stretched out long in front of us as the sun disappeared. We grew tall as the sun went down, on bikes that became giant, foot driven tractors. I was so small at that time I could fit in the wheel of the big blue tractor we had in our machinery shed.

I built a dance floor for fairies that lived in our trees. Leaves of this tree had brushed the ground for so long it became smooth and beautiful. Glitter appeared there one day.

My sister and I frequently rode around the back of utes and screamed made up songs into the wind (banana smoothie.. it's so groovy). Prancing around the trampoline we performed concerts featuring classics like "the emu crossed the road". After rain, we played in the mud near the dams and our boots got stuck in the clay. Games of hide and seek sometimes took place in long clover; nettle's mortal enemy was doc.

Announcements like "we're going to Giudi's" after a long hot bus ride home were the most welcome. Bus rides were spent playing footy cards with a boy called Ricky Gross. In the mornings I would ask the bus driver to play Hanson and Spice Girls tapes, while an older boy would try to infiltrate my pop regime by bringing Triple J Hottest 100 tapes with the Whitlams on it. Only now do I know what "there's no aphrodisiac like loneliness" means. In prep my mum taught me to keep my legs closed when I sat down on the bus if I wore a dress to school. After swims in Giudi's pool we would lie on the itchy pavement eating shapes in the sun while ants crawled over us.

There are very old pine trees on our farm, tall pine trees that we would climb. Once a boy, one of our neighbours, fell from the fairy tree and broke his arm. I remember his bloody teeth falling into our sink. My dad's shaving brush stayed next to the sink for some time. It looked a bit like I imagine rabbit paws do. His guns stayed at the top of our linen cupboard for some time, until the local policeman came to take them away. Everybody knew the policeman by name. That's how the country is.

There is a heritage listed apple tree in a paddock there, and an old ramshackle house that my great uncle built when he first settled on the property. The walls are lined with newspaper from the 1940s. You can read about Hitler.

We moved into a town when I was nine years old. We lease out the house and the land. Even though it is near the mountains and very beautiful I feel odd when I go there. A family lives in the real house and takes care of the farm itself and it makes me sad to think about it - I can't even do that thing where you pretend to be happy that somebody is making new memories in there.

If i'm lost it's only for a little while

Lately I've been writing constantly. It feels as natural and as important to me as AIR (the usual simile). I need to write because if I don't I would be too full up. Just full up of 'stuff'. Sometimes the need feels physiological and much as it is psychological. I don't think what to write about, I just do. It's automatic. Every single little thing. Write about just anything. I just open up a word document and go. It's easy as. My emotions laid bare. It's important that you realise that not all of it has to be that great. It just has to be 'you'. Sam told me that he wishes he could write about what he feels but when he goes to write it down he just can't. I feel bad for him. I want to teach him somehow but I don't think I can. It is an important quality to be emotionally open. I look for this in people. I am in a room with the lights out. I am writing all of these little poems which kind of relate to each other. I am also writing my 'sentences' which are important to me. They help me process things. I think up these 'sentences' when I observe something or when something happens to me or when I think something. I write them down in my notebook or onto a word document. Sometimes I think about one when I am on the bus and I don't write it down because I think I'll remember but I never do. I am also writing something about cats and something about the future and something about TV show wisdom. I am writing some poetry which I will never put on this blog. Some things that are just too personal. Mostly I try to be brave in what I put on the blog because ultimately I think it doesn't really matter and that no one really cares. I don't write for you, I write for me. It's a process. A process of writing and then putting it out into the world. Catharsis. I don't know what I'd do without it.

childhood memories

- sitting on the trampoline in my backyard
- being sad before i could even really grasp the concept
- picking my nose
- sleeping with my night light on
- spinning round and round on the monkey bars
- the crippling fear i felt on my first day of primary school
- liking a boy in kindergarten called callum
- getting salted peanuts after kindy with my mum
- being a tomboy
- wondering why i am shyer than everyone else and not understanding
- stealing peppermints from my grandma's purse
- going to my sisters classroom in the morning to play knucklebones
- not stepping on the cracks in the footpath
- sometimes having lots of friends and sometimes not
- just playing and not caring
- going everywhere bare foot
- make believe

Topics

Topic for this week is childhood.

Can't think of a video topic, can somebody suggest something?

Please and thank you.

I can't do the video post because my internet is too slow

one of my major achievements is
biting all the nails
off my fingers.
another is facilitating
meaningful line breaks.

-

I enjoy shopping at a place called Camberwell market. it is a rotary market held every Sunday of the month in the eastern suburbs of Melbourne. It is a dangerous place to go, because there are a lot of decently priced vintage clothes, normal clothes, knick knacks, books, records, cds, videos, jewellery, shoes, buttons, wool.. so on and so forth. Not much food. My friends dragged me there on Sunday morning and I didn't want to go because I knew I shouldn't buy anything. But I went and of course I spent fifty dollars on two dresses that I thought would take me out of my spring slump.

-

I couldn't even watch Stacey's video post because my internet is ultra capped. At the moment I'm attempting to read "By Grand Central Station I sat Down and I Wept" by Elizabeth Smart which I thought wouldn't take me long because it's only 100 pages or so, but each sentence is so dense I am too scared to read it on the train. It's the kind of book you need to be alone with.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Today Susie Anderson is 21 years of age. I would like to wish m'colleague a very happy birthday and encourage others to do so via the appropriate mediums.

Sorry I didn't have time to make something a bit more 'arty'. I have an exam tomorrow so I'm cramming HARD BRO.

Love your gutz, babe.

Bonus video

I LOVE MY CAT.

oh no goddamn

When deciding which approach to take for the latest video I went with 'as awkward as possible' and 'barely audible'.

I always cry at endings

You make time for things/people you care about, you really do.

In my itunes search bar I type 'get me away I'm dying'.

Kissing a boy with a beard is exactly as fuzzy as you think it's going to be.

I think I could be a vegan if I had someone to cook for me.

In the car with my dad, he turns up a Rolling Stones song really loud and says: "wooooooooo".

Jandals and jeans are just not the most aesthetically pleasing combo.

The girls I am sitting next to in the library are talking about how bummed they were when they missed out on Lady Gaga tickets.

I just said this without a hint of irony: "Ooh, can I have your burger bucks?"

Remembering inside jokes from my teen years and giggling quietly to myself.

one million kisses for one million boys

This is a blog post related to consumerism, elaborating on the "shopping" theme that Susie suggested.

Here is my inventory of (major) purchases made over the last two weeks:

A research methods and statistics textbook $140
Camp a low hum tickets $220

Here's a list of things I bought today:

Spinach
Soap
Apples 2x
Mini falefal and rice (lunch)
A kitkat
Cashew nut vegetables with tofu (dinner)

Mainly I spend my money on food. I hardly ever buy clothes, or 'stuff'. I used to buy books but now I just go to the library or read books I already have. A lot of the time I buy stuff when I'm bored. I hardly ever have cash. I have a credit card which I don't imagine I will pay off until my late twenties.

I'm not someone who is that into shopping, but I like obtaining 'stuff' because it feels nice sometimes (for a short period of time). As for places I like to shop, for groceries it's Lim Chhour on K Rd, which is an Asian supermarket. I mainly like it for its proximity, but I still like going to New World to use the self checkouts. I get some strange pleasure out of scanning my own pasta spirals or whatever it may be.

For books it's Jasons Books on Lorne St, which is a secondhand store, I don't go there often but when I do I stay in there for about an hour and come out with about 10 books. I also like the vibe of Unity Books on High Street. I often go to Borders on Queen St, just because it is a good place to waste time while I'm waiting around in town. There are lots of places to just hide away and read.

Op shops kind of annoy me lately because I can never find anything I like. Generally though, I like St Vincents de Pauls in Avondale. Last time I went there the old lady behind the counter said I could pay $3 instead of $4 for a shirt I was buying, for no particular reason.

My all-time favourite store is Iko Iko on K'Rd because it was has the most beautiful, useless things.

topics yo

It amuses me that Stacey has begun a topic that says 'sorry for posting a lot Susie', it's just because I get anxious about not being able to stay up to date with all my RSS feeds and I am scared that happens to other people. I haven't read my feeds in a while and I'm scared to look because they will have accumulated. But ultimately it doesn't matter because I figure people who subscribe to our blog enjoy what we do here.

I keep buying lots of things. Here is an inventory of my purchases over the last two weeks:
- one queen bed doona (duvet? I don't know what you call them in NZ/other parts of the world)
- one doona cover w/pillow covers
- two pillows
- one pair of black tights 70 denier
- red & silver nail polish
- felt tip eye liner
- red lipstick
- mineral face powder
- mascara
- a jumper made from tshirt material with a doily/lace heart printed on it from cotton on
- a leather belt embossed with signs of the zodiac (was so stoked to find this at my local op shop which had hitherto disappointed me)

I am buying bed things because for my birthday my mum is buying me a new bed. I am excited, but slightly concerned about having two beds in my possession after my birthday. Having a birthday is weird isn't it. On facebook people have them all the time - well people have them all the time regardless of whether it's on facebook or not - but I forget how they feel personally. I guess because all this stuff is happening at a busy time of year for me - I am graduating from university this year - I am thinking more about how this birthday in particular fits in with my "life".

Deliberated about the topic for a little while, but because I'm in the mood for it

topic: favourite places to shop in your respective city
and
video post: show & tell what book/s you are currently reading (or in my case, what book you are trying to read but failing at because things are too busy)

late

i want to write a poem
but it is late
and my eyelids are drooping
so i just type some letters
and hope that my brain
can still work out some
breathtaking metaphor or something about
why people hurt each other so much
and about how i feel so sad
but all my brain can concentrate on
is that it is late
my eyelids are drooping

My 19th October a.k.a. 2 days before my hummus goes off

I woke up at 8am feeling very confused about a dream I had which consisted of me buying tickets to go see Mary J. Blige. It made me laugh so hard. I made toast for breakfast. Had to wear my polka dot dress because all of my jeans were in the wash. I like dressing more boyish than girlish because paradoxically it makes me feel more feminine. Got my bus to Britomart, and as far as I'm aware, nothing of note happened during this time. I caught my next bus to the AUT Akoranga campus where I had a class. Akoranga campus is way more chill than city campus and I like it a lot. I met my friend and we got Subway. I bought a mini sub because I was amazed that they had them and also I like child-sized portions. When I walked into the lecture theatre a Seal (the singer, not the animal) song was playing loudly and it was pretty alarming in general. It was our last abnormal psychology lecture (N.B. abnormal psychology is the study of mental disorders), and a lady from the Like Minds, Like Mine campaign came to talk to us. It was probably the best lecture I've ever had in my whole university life. She talked about her own personal experience of mental illness (she has previously been diagnosed with 8 disorders) and it was really moving. She also said that there are positive things about mental illness which I thought was pretty true. I think that mental health awareness is important, and I find most people don't really understand mental illness at all. After that, our lecturer talked about our exam and we got our marks back for our presentations. I got an A, no big. After class, Sarah and I had lunch, I got a mini falafel and rice and it was probably the best thing I've eaten in a while. Then I went to the library and studied for a few hours before venturing to the cafe for snacks. I got some cashews and an apple. I ran into my friend Xinia who studies dance. I sat with her for 20 minutes or so and then I went back to the library. At 5 I caught the bus to the city and met up with my friend who had made me carrot cake. It was really yum / thoughtful. Then I met Sarah in the library and we were there until 8.30pm. We didn't get much work done, but we ate approx. 2/3 of the cake. I got dropped home and resolved something that I was really nervous about. Then I did some study but got distracted and starting watching Zach Galifianakis stand up. I continued to study until about 1am and before bed I got really nervous about something else (see: pattern), but the sound of rain quickly sent me to sleep.