i can't concentrate on anything long enough to know what it is that i'm feeling or thinking before i either fall back asleep or look at my twitter feed
in defense of someone i said that they are just doing the best they can but they feel all kinds of things that accidentally make other people feel shitty, it's the same for me, for everyone else
i feel v aware that i am capable of fucking up my life here and that i might even do it if i get bored enough
everyone is stuck some place, with some one
i feel interested in that
when i close my laptop, hide my phone and crawl beneath the covers
i can slip away from the world
that is a cool trick i can do
it is bad to rely on one person for happiness, i'd rather just rely on myself
the only thing about that is loneliness
ugh
you said not to treat people as anchors
but that's all we do essentially
i want different things depending on what time of day it is
i want far away things
the reality is that i get what i want and then i don't want it anymore
seems cliche
in a way i feel bad but my feelings are instinctual
it's like trying to change the direction blood flows around your body by will alone
and i like the word instinctual, that is every thing i do
in the way that writing is just another function of my body
also, i don't even remember making a decision to kiss you, i just kissed you and that was that
the things that happen seem to happen without me ever having to do anything really
someone reblogged a poem you wrote about me on tumblr, when you wrote it, i thought it was bad
welcome to your new life as a shitty human
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
self-help by lorrie moore
1. i read the first chapter out loud to myself in the bath
i had been alone for two days and i needed to hear what my voice sounded like
not that i had forgotten, that is not something you forget
i just wanted to hear it, to confirm my existence
when i finished the story the bath was cold
2. i read this in bed on a thursday afternoon
i cried during some of it, almost definitely the last two pages of it
it made me think of my grandmother and how her face looked close to death and how it upset me more now than it did then
the memory of something > the thing itself
when i finished the story
i got up because the dog was barking
i looked out the window, it was snowing
and i cried looking at it
3. v short, read it standing up in kitchen waiting for pizza to cook
4. this story reminded me of how you found a note on my computer that simply said 'love poem by richard brautigan' and how you must have known i didn't love you before i told you i didn't love you
5. "People and places you think you love may be people and places you hate."
6. common theme of this book is how you can become stuck in all places in your life, this is something i get very afraid of
this story is about a relationship, and it seems to me that you can feel stuck in any relationship after a while
you can be stuck anywhere and with anyone after a certain amount of time
for me it isn't even that long either
oh yeah i cried at the end of this story too, but it's nice to cry like that, for something external
why i liked this book is that it made me think things about myself and life that i sometimes forget, or that i cannot easily verbalize
and those are the things that i like the most
Saturday, January 12, 2013
first lines, quotes
28 everything in my mind is hurtling from one stupid side to the other
30 i am basically inconsolable so much of the time
3 keep trying - when alone - to remember beautiful, simple or interesting things to write down later
6 reading miranda july makes me feel like i'm definitely going to write some sort of erotic fiction thing
"i made orange juice from concentrate and showed her the trick of squeezing the juice of one real orange into it. she marveled at this and i laughed and said life is easy. what i meant was life is easy with you here, and when you leave, it will be hard again"
miranda july, ten true things
8 i want more than anything to not feel like having someone else here would make me feel whole or complete or at ease... i am tired ...
10 we could stay up late watching the large screen television at kew junction (the one advertising nissan cars)
11 aghast aghast aghast
22 3 days to xmas, feel so devoid of any cheer
25 i keep thinking of poetic parallels like my hair being purple and sitting under jacaranda trees hearing the petals drop to the ground like rain
"could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?"
henry david thoreau, walden
26 when you have work it feels like all your spare time is just counting down towards when you're meant to be working next (in my mind i see a ribbon unravelling, fraying towards the end, emptying itself into space)
30 also the country smells so beautiful!
4 on days like today it is as if no one else exists, as if the city is shut down
5 i feel truly childishly upset
"i am jealous of the hawk because he can get so far out of the world, or i follow with passionate envy the seagull swooping to possible cessation"
elizabeth smart, by grand central station i sat down and wept
9 'the water' is such a good thing
12 seems like i've had entirely the wrong idea of what the date is.. for days now
"now the idea of dying violently becomes an act wrapped in attractive melancholy and displayed with every blandishment. for there is no beauty in denying love, except perhaps by death, and towards love what way is there?"
elizabeth smart
30 i am basically inconsolable so much of the time
3 keep trying - when alone - to remember beautiful, simple or interesting things to write down later
6 reading miranda july makes me feel like i'm definitely going to write some sort of erotic fiction thing
"i made orange juice from concentrate and showed her the trick of squeezing the juice of one real orange into it. she marveled at this and i laughed and said life is easy. what i meant was life is easy with you here, and when you leave, it will be hard again"
miranda july, ten true things
8 i want more than anything to not feel like having someone else here would make me feel whole or complete or at ease... i am tired ...
10 we could stay up late watching the large screen television at kew junction (the one advertising nissan cars)
11 aghast aghast aghast
22 3 days to xmas, feel so devoid of any cheer
25 i keep thinking of poetic parallels like my hair being purple and sitting under jacaranda trees hearing the petals drop to the ground like rain
"could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?"
henry david thoreau, walden
26 when you have work it feels like all your spare time is just counting down towards when you're meant to be working next (in my mind i see a ribbon unravelling, fraying towards the end, emptying itself into space)
30 also the country smells so beautiful!
4 on days like today it is as if no one else exists, as if the city is shut down
5 i feel truly childishly upset
"i am jealous of the hawk because he can get so far out of the world, or i follow with passionate envy the seagull swooping to possible cessation"
elizabeth smart, by grand central station i sat down and wept
9 'the water' is such a good thing
12 seems like i've had entirely the wrong idea of what the date is.. for days now
"now the idea of dying violently becomes an act wrapped in attractive melancholy and displayed with every blandishment. for there is no beauty in denying love, except perhaps by death, and towards love what way is there?"
elizabeth smart
Friday, January 11, 2013
notable journeys
26/10/12
on our way home from the pub where we drank beers with lucy and crispin
standing up on a crowded tube susie leaned her head on my shoulder and i leaned my head on her head
this felt like just another one of our beautiful moments of friendship
where we could completely understand each other without saying anything at all
when we returned home we each received a mention on twitter from someone neither of us knew:
think i just saw @staceteague and @susie_and on the underground & was too scared to say anything wow this is a really creepy tweet oops
i replied 'haha, nice'
27/10/12
on the train from gipsy hill to victoria susie & i are both tired and sad we both have our headphones on and i cry through closed eyelids but later we will go to the borough market and drink hot cider and eat cheese samples and everything will be okay again like it always is
10/11/12
when the tube started i nearly fell over so i grabbed onto you and i didn't let go until we arrived at oxford circus
11/11/12
smiled the whole way to victoria station thinking about eyeball kisses
17/11/12
crowded tube, a man was standing next to me with his doge, kept making funny faces at the doge, looked up and exchanged smiled at a lady who was smiling at me
18/11/12
drunk with diane off pinkass wine
1/12/12
on a train w max, nat and crispin. me and nat sneakily took xanax and it made my muscles ache and sometimes me and nat would look at each other and laugh and she showed me a video of a woman saying a poem and during it i heard crispin refer to me as 'teagues' but i just kept listening to the poem instead of trying to hear what he was talking about. in the poem she said 'i'm a lover without a lover'. crispin ate a banana v erotically and nat took a picture
8/12/12
1) nat and laurens are sharing headphones listening to blink 182
2) train from euston to wherever that pub was
nat was v drunk and dropped the n word
oh shit
9/12/12
the overground from brockley / my head in your neck nook
15/12/12
victoria - euston
euston - highbury and islington
highbury and islington - canada water
canada water - brockley
all of these journeys:
you are leaning against me i am making fun of you you touch my face
on our way home from the pub where we drank beers with lucy and crispin
standing up on a crowded tube susie leaned her head on my shoulder and i leaned my head on her head
this felt like just another one of our beautiful moments of friendship
where we could completely understand each other without saying anything at all
when we returned home we each received a mention on twitter from someone neither of us knew:
think i just saw @staceteague and @susie_and on the underground & was too scared to say anything wow this is a really creepy tweet oops
i replied 'haha, nice'
27/10/12
on the train from gipsy hill to victoria susie & i are both tired and sad we both have our headphones on and i cry through closed eyelids but later we will go to the borough market and drink hot cider and eat cheese samples and everything will be okay again like it always is
10/11/12
when the tube started i nearly fell over so i grabbed onto you and i didn't let go until we arrived at oxford circus
11/11/12
smiled the whole way to victoria station thinking about eyeball kisses
17/11/12
crowded tube, a man was standing next to me with his doge, kept making funny faces at the doge, looked up and exchanged smiled at a lady who was smiling at me
18/11/12
drunk with diane off pinkass wine
1/12/12
on a train w max, nat and crispin. me and nat sneakily took xanax and it made my muscles ache and sometimes me and nat would look at each other and laugh and she showed me a video of a woman saying a poem and during it i heard crispin refer to me as 'teagues' but i just kept listening to the poem instead of trying to hear what he was talking about. in the poem she said 'i'm a lover without a lover'. crispin ate a banana v erotically and nat took a picture
8/12/12
1) nat and laurens are sharing headphones listening to blink 182
2) train from euston to wherever that pub was
nat was v drunk and dropped the n word
oh shit
9/12/12
the overground from brockley / my head in your neck nook
15/12/12
victoria - euston
euston - highbury and islington
highbury and islington - canada water
canada water - brockley
all of these journeys:
you are leaning against me i am making fun of you you touch my face
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