Monday, July 2, 2012

these are the things that a trumpet solo in a bright eyes song creates

today it feels like a real shame that other people have to see me
when i look into a mirror i am imagining my skeleton instead of all the flesh and other bits on top of myself
there's a heaviness that starts from just underneath my eyes and goes all over my limbs and right down to my horrible horrible feet
i'm imagining a lot of viscous black things, walking into the earth down tunnels to large pools of tar-like substances, miscellaneous coloured air swirling in an ominous way
actually i am lying on my bed staring at the ceiling leaning to one side wondering if i should go see if a flatmate is home, maybe if we get stoned together i will feel better. or if i go to the shop and buy wine... but i am in pyjamas.. why did i decide to stop smoking. i want to eat but i really don't
this day consisted of forgetting, mostly
i have developed the ability to sit and stare into nothing and just touch different parts of my face occasionally
i love how some people feel really entitled to depression
in the last ten minutes i have seen three different cats outside my bedroom window and forgotten about good posture approximately five times
one of the things that i am obsessed with touching on my face is my eyebrows, i am obsessed with their appearance and i generally feel terrible if they are not seen to every 2 days or so
i genuinely feel that there are no organs in me, that i am just an abcess who's somehow grown features
that my body is just flesh that has been moulded into a person over time, thanks to the encouragement of a few clothing items
actually i did not wear a bra until i was 15 or probably 16 even though i knew i was meant to
i asked mum for one through a note one day, to this day she has only ever bought me 1 bra
just trying to think of things to do instead of eating but i am vaguely hopeful that eating will elevate my mood or at least a cup of tea might
i feel spoiled like in the egg way not the other way

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