Tonight I am eating dinner at Lentil as Anything. Fraser constantly asks me how many times a week I eat here. It's usually not that often. But today I decided I need to prove a point to myself - point being I can eat alone. I actually used to do this in first year, like get coffee and generally be publicly alone and not care. After three years of this, however, it tends to lose its appeal.
Sometimes I wish I could be totally invisible. Today this is because I absolutely despise myself. It's weird when you realise this. There are a few contributing factors. I dunno. They barely seem significant to explain. May be steeped in too much self pity to enlighten you.
I have been thinking lately that I am doing the wrong thing with my life. I keep seeing decent media jobs - radio, online, arts things - and I'm kicking myself for continuing at uni. And also because I have been playing a lot of music lately I am feeling fairly 'something'. Like what if I did music at uni? Probably wouldn't have gotten in, ever, though. Me and Zoe play well together. I was playing drums yesterday and I fucking love it! Think I could really get into that.
They are playing Beach House at Lentils tonight. This is one of my favourite bands. I saw them earlier this year and it was such a good gig. Do you think it's like fate or whatever that they are playing? I don't really believe in that shit but, for example, when semi-serendipitous stuff like Beach House happens OR when I walk back from my local IGA I see this bit of graffiti and it says VIGIL it bestows me with some not 'confidence' but something in that family - that stuff is the good shit.
People are so noisy, right. I should be so happy or content or at least occupied, right? A new thing I like downloading is Saturday Night Live episodes. A lot of famous people and good comedians. Did you know that Julia Louise-Dreyfus was on SNL? News to me.
The other day I was out for a walk and I passed this guy. As I approach fellow walkers I look away and try not to look at them but at the last moment look into their eyes. Anyway this guy looked at me when I looked at him and he gave me a big old smile. Just a quality grin, you know? I find you don't get that much in the city.
Do you feel like you have a best friend? Two girls with their faces painted just walked in. They have glowsticks and look like hippies. I sometimes wish I was a vegan because I really like the idea, it reminds me of simpler times or I imagine back when humans were animals too. I wish one of the people here would sit down with me and be my best friend, the best friend I've always wanted or needed, didn't know exactly what they were like but complemented me and I never got jealous of them for being good at being my friend or good at their life. It occurs to me that maybe I like to keep my friends at a distance so I like them more. But that sounds insane doesn't it, I'm sure it's completely untrue.
I feel drunk or dizzy maybe. I feel that writing a letter while being at dinner alone is just like being on your phone when you don't want to look like you're alone. I want to stay out a bit longer because my housemate asked me if I was going on a date when I said I was going out for dinner and I said no, no, ha ha, that would be historical, you would hear about it. My solution for weird bouts of sadness like this is usually throwing myself into uni work but probably I can go on a bike ride as well that may help.
OK, going now.