remembering when i could open my window from my bed, reach outside and return with handfuls of jasmine

feel like i am much too nostalgic for my own good

thinking about the last times i cried

i cried a little last night out of exhaustion and illness

i cried when i was drunk and my coat and iphone got stolen

people hugged me in the smoking area of ‘da club’

one of the times i vividly remember crying is sitting in an empty room in a flat in wellington

we were both crying with our faces close together and we were not afraid to cry because there were worse things to be afraid of

like not being together

feel unable to express certain things, uh, even feel unable to identify what i can’t express

seems like everyone likes coke or coke zero or diet coke except me

i hate it when people smoke and the smoke hits my face but if you did that i would say i don’t care and maybe i don’t when you do it

in the night i woke up from a fever and felt v worried about nazis, feel delirious 

tonight for dinner i ate steamed broccoli and courgette, and for dessert i will eat 1x reeses peanut butter cup

people want to know what other people eat right, that’s interesting right

i’m not saying i want all of it, all of the time

because there is nothing that i want that bad

but if we’re talking statistics

you can have 99.99% of me

i mean i will try anyway

10/12/12

i hate it when other people tell me what i'm supposed to feel
i feel whatever i feel
sometimes you still have to apologise for that

i've noticed recently that i say sorry for almost everything i do
i think it started as a joke

i feel very british sometimes
but i like british people the most i think
i like that they say 'erm' for 'um'

i can't relate to people who aren't self-deprecating
not even that i think
it's humility
mostly i just want people to be chill

anger as an emotion interests me because it seems foreign
i often think that i skip a lot of emotions and go straight to sad

the last time i felt genuinely angry was when i was listening to a man talk about anti-abortion on the radio

i guess we've been talking about how we tend to internalize emotions
which is why we do what we do

the other night on the bus journey home i felt it
my emotions only run in one direction
i felt my body wanting to be smaller
wanting to retreat into myself

but then ben kept saying something about me pooping out livia's house keys and i was laughing
so i forgot about that and how much i needed to pee

and in the pub our faces seemed unusually close together, you said something about a sphere and i wish i could remember

today i was on the tube squished in between lots of strangers and i felt happy, i felt like myself

london is a city that i feel truly good to be in
walking through soho at night time making eye contact with people i feel so unafraid

i felt this again walking through the pitch darkness
up the driveway towards my house
i liked the absoluteness of it

i made this list and i'm not sure what it is

frosts
sleep as a physiological need
not made for winter but trying
kicking frozen puddles
what beautiful things are there
eyeballs (?????)
when do intangible things become solid
growing a thicker skin because of the cold and other things

been thinking about love/relationships

what i am afraid of the most is not being my own person
i don't want to have to rely on other people for things, it is easy to do that
but it's better when i do things for myself

i suppose one day i will meet someone and it will be like i am just myself and we can be alone together

i don't know if that will ever happen my whole life but i will keep looking always

i fall in and out of love

review of 'baby babe' by ana carrete (kind of)

i read baby babe when i took the 3 children i au pair for to soccer/football one evening

sitting on this wooden bench thing in a brightly lit gymnasium

balls keep flying past me and sometimes hitting me

once a ball hit the book right out of my hands and landed half a metre away from me and now it is kind of bent
i felt embarrassed when that happened and looked at one of the other mums and said 'uh ok' and she laughed

kept looking up from my book and looking at one of the coach's powerful thigh muscles, unsure if i found it attractive or not, possibly not, sexy sport guys..

took me a while to read because the kids kept wanting me to watch them play, and i felt bad about kind of ignoring them, but you know

i noticed how whenever tom missed a goal, he would get upset and zac, from the other side of the gym, would yell to him that is was okay and that he was doing well

that kind of made my heart swell up with love

i liked:

"some people think
they're so funny
shit
i'm just like whatever
when i walk around"

"i want my poems to be clouds

and whenever balloons escape a child's hand
i want to be able to push them back
to where they belong"

"i lick things and pretend
everything is fine"

during the break JJ sat on my knee and drank water and then got off and hugged me and then hugged me again

sometimes i would be reading a poem but thinking about you
so i would have to read the poem again
that kept happening

felt emotional at a few points, thought i was crying a lil
i might just be hormonal (?)

somehow i got chocolate all over the spine of it

kept hoping the people sitting near me did not see key words like 'cunt' or 'dick' or 'semen'

this book made me think a lot about penises, but not in a sexy way

idk how often i legitimately think about penises in a sexy way, are we meant to

i liked that ana seems to have a very particular and consistent style

i can imagine her writing these poems while sucking on a lollipop

i liked this book

for a good time

on the train home i was thinking really stupid metaphorical thoughts about eggs like how i thought maybe our minds were once the same egg but some idiot wanted eggs and now we are 2 halves broken apart from each other and then something about how the yolk .. what is the yolk .. i couldn't work it out .. then i walked past a sign and i misread it to say 'dancer: 1500 volts' and i figured it was a good tweet for later then i was dancing in the [new] carpark outside victoria park station which has made the walk home from the station even shorter but more danceable .. i guess earlier in the night i said something dumb like if i got knocked up i would probably keep a baby and all the boys inbetween their farts seemed really alarmed and i guess we all know that i wouldn't be able to stop drinking enough to keep a baby alive inside me imagine not drinking for nine months if that's my biggest concern i shouldn't be come an accidental mother wouldn't you agree

i just read ashley opheim's poem on shabby doll house and there are some lovely parts in it, notably:

give me another century in your eyes, they are somewhere
i never knew existed

then i just realised she is one of my fave twitter accounts omg i am such an idiot if you don't follow her already get involved @hologramrainbow

yesterday i spent 4.5 hours with my hands in meat because that is the job that i have now and it's cool, i'm gettin paper .. while i am working i just try to think of tweets for later in a maggie lee sort of voice because i remember enjoying her blog posts about when she worked as a pizza delivery person

i woke up this morning dreaming of the opening scenes of aladdin, it seemed to me like i was jasmine and falling a lot but bouncing off extremely tall tents of jewellery in that chase scene after she gives an apple to that child because aladdin didn't come to my rescue 

on friday there is a launch of the voiceworks issue that i am published in and it is also the express media awards extravaganza and i will be attending, so will john marsden but i think we are arriving separately .. so don't look for us together, but do look for me .. 

my time in england so far via tweets

moving to england in 2 days but i dont wanna pack, just wanna watch the wire

too hot in london to wear beanies :(

nothing i want more in life than lazing about w @susie_and watching nigella's express

susie is my cous cous mama

Theyre playing nz dub music in a pub in edinburgh

You're a pain in my crag

we have taken to expressing our emotions via song, oft in the middle of london streets

@crispinbest we bailed with ease on that baileys (something me and @susie_and workshopped on the way home)

rapping to drake audibly on the tube w @susie_and

gonna buy some jeggings from sainsburys

b'ton bad bitches

don't mind if i doob

uhhh just living in this beautiful ass shire

stood in the kitchen for around 6 minutes binge-eating chips while 2 labradors watched

eyeing up hipsters wearing matching chinos at gloucester train station

drinking instant coffee bc i hate myself

started drawing a duck with 4 legs and now this 9 yo thinks i'm an idiot

hello london i need to pee

want to make everyone i like toast and tea forever

it's getting hat in here

just want to be cotching with a rio

unsure if i feel bad because i need to pee or because of everything else

just had two tequila shots we are in da club i hate errbody

want to go home and eat some steamed brocolli for real

a rich tapestry of tapestries

welcome to the beyonce museum

if binge-eating chips is wrong then i don't want to be right

crystal palace bound is one of my favourite things to be

absolut dingus

draft in my phone from last night that just says 'i'm going to die'

cute boy was looking at us, me and tilly walked into each other, flustered, boys are scary

being really tired is like being on some shitty drug

"i just wanna sleep on your butt"

i bloody love hangovers

i think @herbonestrcture tried to french me the other night, niiiiiice

@susie_and love u my whole damn life, have a safe flight

Briefly forgot I was in England and thought, when did nz get castles

Never want to leave @herbonestrcture 's room

new appreciation for the cold

this 9 yo just said "i like your hair and i like you" :')

eyeball kisses

my fave combo is sad/funny

people keep thinking i am a mum i am not a mum okay

Voxer message: I'm not on drugs I'm just sad

wow what a cute time we are having being sad all together

ugghhh forever

summer - autumn

would you look at that

melbourne is beautiful and rainbow coloured
the skies in australia are big and open and blue
i am hysterical
we are all reckless & can't wait to be on 2 wheels again

i was walking through melbourne central shopping centre and now there is a book swap the same kind that there is in that little place in soho where you can borrow or swap secondhand books
got this phillip larkin book 'the whitsun weddings'

i wish that all my friends had giant beds so we could all lie down together in a v v platonic way
sometimes i think humans should just lie around like lions do - i remember the day after my leaving party i was lying in bed with stacey, nat, giles and lucy perched on the end like our lil kitty kat... whenever i lie in bed with a group of people i just think about how once at singapore zoo i read that lions just sleep for 20 hours a day or something, it seems great that they don't have to do much else or maybe in my mind i exaggerated this

it's the worst i have time to write this post but not enough time to do [anything else important]

find myself having lots of lewd conversations, guess i'm back with all the boys
starting a job at a bar today for the first time ever, this is daunting i guess
this morning fraser woke up when i got out of bed and he weirdly sang some of 'new york new york' at me using my name, how nice

i miss you england
keep saying to various people that it's hard to let yourself feel sad when everything is hurtling towards summertime.. there is a television ad for mcdonalds where everyone stands in the giant shadow that the golden arches are making in the parking lot because it's too hot to stand on the regular asphalt.. not that i eat mcdonalds but it's preeeeeetty accurate
here i have to shave my legs and maintain my toenails... i am v tanned already guys woah

two relevant poems from mr larkin:

Home is so sad

Home is so sad. It stays as it was left,
Shaped to the comfort of the last to go
As if to win them back. Instead, bereft
Of anyone to please, it withers, so,
Having no heart put aside the theft

And turn again to what it started as,
A joyous shot at how things ought to be,
Long fallen wide. You can see how it was:
Look at the pictures and the cutlery.
The music in the piano stool. That vase.

Talking in Bed

Talking in bed ought to be easiest,
Lying together there goes back so far,
An emblem of two people being honest.

Yet more and more time passes silently.
Outside, the wind's incomplete unrest
Builds and disperses clouds about the sky,

And dark towns heap up on the horizon.
None of this cares for us. Nothing shows why
At this unique distance from isolation

It becomes still more difficult to find
Words at once true and kind,
Or not untrue and not unkind.

no new emotions

i tried to get to sleep but i kept seeing the facebook homepage behind my eyelids

lately i feel like i've been nostalgic for things that have never even happened / past lives

even later in the night now, where thoughts seem to go round and round in circles, nothing ever resolving itself or becoming still

underneath my duvet i watch my phone light up
as you call me and then hang up
the whirring noise it makes

earlier that night in the bath i pull at different areas of my skin and feel nothing
my hips are the weirdest looking part of my body i think
but you have never properly seen them

been listening to the rain all night
through computer speakers

which is stupid because it is actually raining outside

on voxer i am sad in my bed and mark is sad on his couch
in a facebook chat thread me and diane want to cry in a giant bathtub
giles tweeted 'very fucked'
natalie hugs me through gchat

we are all sad alone together it is okay somehow

when you are sad people should not tell you "don't be sad"
because secretly we enjoy it, hehe

wanting to belong to someone is a pathetic need
a need which i am ashamed to admit

because we want so much to belong only to ourselves

i love you through a screen

drafts / notes / cast offs / name drops

[in the air]

feel lost in my own brain, like there are different versions of me standing in different 'corners' (not that i truly believe brains have corners or w/e) but it's dark and there's nothing connecting us, like some sort of game of murder in the dark but in my brain

real excited by the presence of much drizzy, usher, rihanna + justin in the singapore airline music collection. not sure if i'm going to keep crying but now i have my hilarious silk + diamanté sleep mask so even if i have tears running down my face the hostesses/stewards (have changed this word many times, was initially staff, but that seemed way too poncey) will know not to disturb me

keep having overly sentimental thoughts about crispin, via i am channelling all my sadness onto him / genuinely just feel like he is perf, maybe a perfect idiot AMIRITE LADIEZ [ed: typo of emirate seems pretty hilar]

(opening scenes of prometheus) there seems to be a giant penis in the sky
just thought 'this is some serious shit, this idiot can read a bitch's memory'
this asshole literally just got his hurr did
fassbender seems like a right poindexter
(all those twets were before i knew fassbender was a goddamn robot ok)

just keep thinking 'nerd holiday' re: these assholes sitting near me
dumbass on the plane with 500g container of some vitamins =\

[in melbourne]

at parliament station they are playing john farnham, seems like Celia would love it here, they keep turning it up
just keep thinking 'if i had a rio this would be amazing'

[in 'the country']

want to do a twit pic of the grampians, caption 're: australia - that's what makes u beautiful'
just thinking about how nice it is to go for exercise underneath a mountain, this is why gyms are stupid
i saw mist rising off a dam
doing downward facing doge in a paddock
hey bunny

using old medicines from my cupboard, lol seems real bad/good
all these old things seem new or foreign or in a way like they just don't matter. i feel good about the idea of cutting down all my possessions just because you get to a stage where you realise having stuff is irrelevant

the sun is literally peeking over the mountains through clouds rn
really wish i thought it was a possibility for me to quit drinking for a lil while, seems like that is the only way i'm ever going to quit smoking

wondering how many errands i can do today,
thinking about stephen o'toole and diane marie a lot this morning, prob bc i have 'halo' in my head
people keep telling me that my music taste is crap now, seems like melbourne is still v hip
kept thinking 'goddamn all these basic bitches' in a way that vicki tingle / laurens verdonk might while walking through myer (department store) the other day and lolling to myself
just considering stacey's lovely lady lumps, is this wrong of me? lol

wow the sun is actually filling up the entire room with its glow

18/10/12

it seems like i don't really have much ambition as a writer, i don't feel the need to 'make it' and i'm not overly concerned if a lot of people read my stuff. i don't really like to market myself because it makes me feel uncomfortable. the main thing i want to do with my writing is, first and foremost, to express myself in a way that for many years has been a compulsion, and in terms of audience, i want to form meaningful relationships with people through my writing. for instance, i have really admired natalie chin's writing for a long time and i now have the pleasure of living in the same country as her and we are becoming really good friends. i have 'dated' people who write and who have written about me in a public forum, and that's fine for me, to a certain extent. to do the kind of writing i do, and to share it with people, you learn to be unafraid in this way. because as closed off as i can sometimes be in person, i can be the complete opposite when it comes to writing. writing has taught me to be constantly aware of my surroundings, emotions, relationships, and in writing about these things i receive some kind of gratification almost instantly, and then possibly more if i post it somewhere and see that people like it. it's an exercise in weightlessness

also been thinking about the internet a lot, i'm not really into narcissism and how the internet seems to feed into that, and that's something i'm working on too. although i do like some things about the internet, like how other people on the internet feel a lot of the same things as me, although it's probably bad because we validate each other's shittyness, but sometimes i need that

the other day we were talking about how we don't like people who aren't cynical but we are probably just assholes.

things i care about: bad bitches, cups of tea, watching the leaves change colour, beyonce and cats

all i want is for someone to actively give a shit about me

every day i walk through the woods up the road from my house. in england right now it is the 'two jumpers and a beanie' kind of cold that i like. when i am walking i notice the light coming through the trees. it is something that just exists without any effort, something that i cannot touch yet seems tangible. you can only see the leaves falling if you are standing still, this is the same with a lot of things, you need to stop, take your headphones off and just be in it. there are all of these things we do to distract ourselves from whatever is going on, it seems like i am always doing this

already, i am tired of thinking about the same things, the same people. i am so fickle in my emotions, going from one thing to the next trying to find whatever meaning i can. scared about the times that you will not be here, but as always regardless of who or what there is, we keep moving forwards, not even necessarily because we have to, but because we should and we can

4/10/12

it's a cliche to want what you can't have which is why that's annoying. also annoying that i find apathy so attractive. the most important thing about you is skin, then disposition

i like walking around south london by myself and feeling awkward on the tube. i have no idea why but it makes me feel good. i'm afraid if anyone even slightly dislikes me, but at the same time i don't feel eager to please. afraid of feeling alone not being alone. afraid i will spent my life looking for a certain kind of love and never finding it. where are you

seems like i have achieved a new level of apathy, feel v pleased with this, paradoxically. the other day my boss said i had a 'quiet assuredness'. i mean sure i guess so

don't feel attractive when my hair is tied up at all. dislike how dry my hands get. never grow my fingernails long. always wear a watch

keep wondering if the guy at waitrose was flirting or just being nice to me because i was a customer. i don't know how to respond to flirting. think i responded by turning red and then dropping my coins all over the floor. in some ways i think i am the same as i will ever be. god does that even make sense i am so tired. it is late at night i'm sitting in bed feeling sad downloading sexy rnb music

find myself thinking at least 3 times a day how weird the band name 'dashboard confessional' is, like what does that even mean. so stressful

one afternoon susie and i sat in a park drinking cider and talking about where we wanted to go in the world, what we wanted to do. we watched all the squirrels running around in the park. we felt free, unattached. i love susie. in a way that is just so familial and intimate. i like to be able to have friendships that are more like that. i like inside jokes a lot. think i am secretly funny. not sure. maybe not

constantly have drake lyrics stuck in my head, currently: 'how did a pile of kush become the mountain of truth/how did a bottle of wine become the fountain of youth'. somehow i always read something meaningful into really stupid rap lyrics

hang on a second just want to check my facebook. okay great that was fantastic and useful and life-affirming jk

just heard that it was raining outside. made my tummy do something funny

i don't know what this is, as i am writing i feel as though it will not take form, like i am typing these words into air

i am typing these words into the air and my macbook materializes underneath my fingers

3/10/12

must remember everything, thoughts feelings, recurring, what you love, what you don't love, who you are, who you aren't, anxieties, heart palpitations, all the sounds that a house makes, reflection, never saying 'i love you', what does it mean, word documents, finally knowing now, the idea of you, everything instinctive, audible collar bones, warped windows, zipping up my jumper as i walk through the woods, these tiny details of a life, autumn air, the moon but who cares, lost loves, coffee cups, "the gentleness of the abyss", songs that remind me of you, i want to be more like them, the secret fears i hold inside of myself, can't wake up, fuck love poems, but you know that don't you, mirrored mannerisms, as many days as i can remember, hoping for blue sky, holding hands because we are tired and high, kindness, never stops, whatever we want whenever, gchat noise nostalgia, ritualistic, always somewhere, breathing, feeling calm on the london underground, nausea, finding, thanks but i don't care, less and less every day

tigermoth

at least for now we seem to be heading into the blue
the verdant north
here at least nothing clouds my head
and regarding clouds they have insistent uniqueness
one side they hug the skyline and the other they just seem to blend together making everything quite blue
or almost purple
i'm sure people call it indigo or violet, the grey areas of blue

03/09/12

we walk together with linked arms through central london because that is the only way we can face it all. people look at you and they don't look at you. i'm sitting cross-legged on the floor of your room in the dark typing typing and i don't know what any of this means and i don't know if i know myself or if i even care about anything at all anymore except foreign cities and looking out train windows and the way things look in the glow of my laptop. on the train ride i couldn't sleep even though i was so tired i just kept thinking about you tucking my hair behind my ears and my god that felt so good to remember. there are things i try to love and there are things i try not to love and i'm not sure which is worse. walking in the streets through piss and puke and glitter we don't give a fuuuuuck. and i really really don't know what i'm becoming and if it's better or worse than before but it is something. i'm sick of pretending i don't love what i love anymore. why why why do all the good ones have girlfriends we say and what picture of drake should i use as my cover photo quick this is important can you please download mighty ducks 2. oh the light coming through the window makes beautiful patterns on the walls of your bedroom at this time of night i wish you could see it. remember when i closed my eyes and all i saw were kiwifruit. i'm so afraid of everything but i pretend not to be and it's easy to give in to you because your skin feels like home but why can't my own skin feel like that. i know a lot about hands now, and the first time i held yours in a forest somewhere and the first time i held yours in a forest somewhere and the first time i held yours in a street somewhere and the first time i held yours in a bed somewhere. taking your fingers in mine like lengths and lengths of love.

shitty phone pix from the last 3 weeks

14/08/12

in the departure lounge i am slouching in my chair, feeling completely calm like i am moving through a sea

already i can feel myself sliding out of my skin and into a new one

-

ambien dream: in the sky was a cloud shaped like a spine; instinctively i knew it was yours

-

in hong kong airport i move from one vacant seat to another, studying the city beyond the windows. there are mountains and oceans and buildings and i want all of it

-

things i did in my 27 hour flight:

- watched 2x parks and rec, 2x the wire, breakfast at tiffany's, 1/2 of drive, 2x new girl, 1x community, 1x 30 rock
- read 1Q84
- slept 6 hours via ambien (woke up during this and thought i was going to die somehow like just felt really confused…can't explain…ambien..)
- closed my eyes but didn't sleep (spent most of my time doing this)
- went pee (did lil dance routines in the bathroom so i didn't get dvt os)
- shifted around uncomfortably
- ate food (asked for vegetarian meals bc airplane meat is weird idk)
- thought about boys
- general rumination

what i am watching, august update

hi everyone
my friend shu shu said i should write a list of things i've been watching lately
this year i've been doing phases of like writing intensely, reading intensely or watching movies or watching tv intensely
i am in a phase of watching tv intensely at the moment, like rather epicly. this is what i have been watching i guess since i last did a post like this

true blood s1-5
my flatmates kept raving about how good true blood is and i was like ok some of my australian friends enjoy this stuff so i decided to give it a go finally and guess what there are loads of really beautiful sexy people in it and they are naked a lot of the time and you get to watch them biting each other. so i watched probably about 4 seasons in 3 weeks and am now up to date.

newsroom
just discovered this show on the weekend and somehow watched 8 episodes within 2 days i think? there are some weak aspects of this show like the acting is pretty bad but i like the concept of the show. like a kind of pop-news anchor who was doing news to get ratings has all of his team leave him and his ex-gf who happens to be a real good executive producer comes along and she convinces him to 'give people the news'. she is probably the worst actress in the show unfortunately. i think my interest in this show will fade when jim and maggie get together, which they probably will, but not until the end of the season. so it's got me until that happens. also this is enjoyable because they all talk really fast which reminds me of grey's anatomy in a way. also they have poached a lot of actors who've been left by the wayside ie from parks and rec: mark, lucy (tom's gf in s2), anwar from skins.. um...

it's always sunny in philadelphia
i have been gradually watching this over the past couple of weeks, it's just hard to find a good place to stream it. it's a pretty funny show but in the sort of seinfeld sense. it's not like "clever" in the way that seinfeld is but it's like you just get to know the nuances of the characters and like the dumb stuff they do. and that's the appeal of this one really. just waiting for danny devito to get in.

west wing
i watched 2 episodes of this last night because i have heard that it's an amazing show and i figured if i like newsroom potentially i will like west wing. turns out that rob lowe is in it and a whole bunch of other awesome people and it's kind of lame but less lame than a coldplay montage in episode 4 guys (helloo newsroom).

boardwalk empire
this is a really really beautiful show to watch but i find that it's pretty heavy and sort of slow-going. i really like it though, steve buscemi is a genius in it. america in the 1930s seems really awesome. if you don't know about this show it is about prohibition and how the treasurer of atlantic city somehow runs the alcohol racket and basically the whole town. nice

louie
i can't remember whether i was watching this last time i wrote a post like this. it's great, it really is. louie seems like a stand up guy....... .. . . . ..  he is just so bloody clever. apparently he edits the show as well which is nice.

the wire (only sort of)
sometimes i watch this show when i am cooking dinner. it doesn't really appeal to me but people keep saying that it gets good. i think i need to just sit with it and watch it. but i don't know, i can't manage to make myself care about the storyline yet. which is either my fault for cooking while i watch it or just generally the lack of interest that i have in like law/cop drama things.

breaking bad s5
it's better to watch breaking bad when you can watch a whole bunch of episodes at once, same with any show really, so i am letting this accumulate for a couple of weeks then watching a few eps in a row. that train episode was really really fucking good though omg

oh lol my flatmates and i recently watched r kelly's trapped in the closet which is really hilarious and now we sing to each other in that voice all the time

btw i am constantly watching come dine with me

ok also i watched a bunch of movies recently which i will just give a rating out of 10

the jerk 9/10
bad teacher 7.5/10
21 jump street 8.5/10
the woman in the fifth 7/10
the 3 stooges (2012) 5/10
started watching the sitter 3/10
moonrise kingdom 9/10

got a lot of books i need to finish but i just can't stop watching shows.

i am looking forward to spring when parks & rec, community, dexter, gossip girl, probably new girl, saturday night live and a whole bunch of other lil guys come back into my life. i would ask for recommendations but clearly i have a lot going on here.

people i have worked with this year

call centre

2 hip looking dudes who were cousins, kind of had a crush on one of them via having a cute name and being into good music and good at drawing. always used to steal cigarettes off them

one of my bosses was a cool guy who would send funny messages like "get out of here" and once left a post it note on my monitor going "hey susie! go home!" so i got to go home early, he was a nicey

another boss was called roland and he was reportedly in a band, he had really long hair that he would sometimes wear out like, he had a pointy chin and a bear and a moustache and honestly i think the line between musician and wizard was pretty thin

at the back of the office near the kitchen was the european part of our work and there were loads of interesting looking people there, by that i mean goth types

lots of nice nigerian girls, one of them was a real devout christian girl who got the same train as me and sort of seemed really empowered but also kind of had her head in the clouds maybe, i don't know. she used to give me snacks

babe guy who had blue eyes and always wore white shirts and had a nice leather bag, leather brogues and generally was just gorgeous. he worked like a proper job within the call centre, not just a phone interviewing job like me

secret cinema thing

german girl who had a dutch accent and seemed pretty surly

cute american girl from brooklyn, my style/life icon for a couple of weeks there. she seemed like a lil go getter

the volunteer coordinator, an italian girl who referred to us all as darling or dear. she had nice dresses

babe irish/asian girl who sounded american. we became real close for one day which seemed weird but awesome. she somehow encouraged some extroversion out of me, it was odd

random girl with the name soleil who insisted on adding me on facebook and then we never had the same volunteer shift again

internship

my really hot russian manager. never gave me enough work but was a sweet gal

pervy romanian guy with a really hot (now) wife and incidentally the same name as my mum

roguish tubby guy from the west country, seems like he's quite good at his job for being only a couple of years older than me

just lots of weird couples at this place of work, i could go into it but it sort of is boring. other good character at this work include nice german lady who lives in the same suburb as me and just is a really elegant/awesome person. another worthy mention is simon who met his nice girlfriend on the internet and they are just totes in love and they went to see coldplay together, but sincerely

music festival

see 'comprehensive recap of great escape fest' for full details

craft studios open day

i spent most of the day decorating ceramic hearts with a tall chubby couple. seems like their identity is very couple esque, they were talking about 'we' all the time and were one of those couples who seem to always talk about their history together to strangers. i guess that just means they are in love and are just like a packaged deal when it comes to life now, but i seem to meet a lot of people like that and i don't know, it is sort of weird to me that people always talk about their couple-ness to me. i am not a threat guys.

the lady who made the tiles was really surly and prickly although she did give me some sort of candy, can't remember what it was. actually by the end of the day she loaned me 20p which was pretty nice of her

the girl who ran the craft open day gave me a free anzac biscuit (or i guess it was a flapjack) and it was odd because we were sort of carrying on like we knew each other but really she just interviewed me for a job that i didn't get

also the lady who runs the whole organisation was really thankful and nice to me even though i basically just sat around making stuff the whole day

hung out with an american printmaker girl in a kids craft area later in the day, made some olympic medals and felt awkward around kids

current job

in the office there are usually 2 other men who never talk to me apart from to say hi and maybe like one other time a day to ask me some sort of work related query, they seem fairly dece though. i mean the office is awkward as frick but i don't mind, usually i just listen to music and type a lot

my boss is a beastly kind of human and i do not like him because he talks patronisingly to me most of the time. people tell me it's normal to hate your boss but i have never hated a boss before and it feels like i shouldn't work for someone whose goals i don't understand. (ethics)

train people

am

salt n pepper hair guy - looks like a HRD but i haven't noticed a wedding ring

babe girl with nice ass always eating muesli and yoghurt - always wears dark shades at 8.30 and has good looking hair

total dingus nerd guy who looks like he works in IT

posh/bitchy looking girl with good posture. i think it is her good posture that makes her look bitchy. plus she reads from her kindle with a self satisfied look on her face.

bald tall man in a leather jacket who is always typing on his phone early in the morning and i have decided he is messaging ladies on online dating

tired lady who always has wet hair and gets tea from the coffee shop at the station

beautiful bear-like bearded man with glasses who i internally refer to as my 'west norwood husband'

pm

bunch of rowdy people who seem to know each other and work together but are always arguing. (have now decided to change the end of the train that i get on because they irritate me so much)

cool looking girl with white blonde hair, always wears black. also reads from her kindle lots but looks pleasant and cute.

short punky looking lady with curly reddish hair, always wears dark clothing

really fit brazillian (?) guy

07/08/12

we don’t know if we feel happy or sad

i feel worried when i’m not able to articulate what is inside of me

it’s important to feel calm within yourself, knowing what you feel so completely it’s like tracing the curves of your own body

i used to sit outside my house in wood bay in amongst the trees and feel a part of the forest, whenever i want to feel calm i transport myself back to that place, or to my seat near the harbour, nothing but the pale ocean beneath me, breathing in and out with the tide

there are so many times that i walked down to the sea from my house with a cup of tea in hand and felt every emotion a person could feel, sometimes it was too cold to bear, sometimes i felt nothing for it, but often i felt better with the outside air on my skin

there is something about it isn’t there

it blows straight through you, this august wind, no matter how many layers you wear

i’m sad that i won’t get to see the spring here, there are so many things i love about it

every day i walked to work i noticed how my environment changed distinctly from season to season, i felt so in tune with nature then, and i think i will always attribute my most beautiful and solitary times to living in wood bay

recently, it seems like all i have are my emotions to guide me

however perilous that may be

pros and cons of living w parents

pros:
- they buy the really good toilet paper that i would never dream of buying
- the shower pressure is just divine
- free food
- 'it's only temporary'
- electric blankets and heaters and fire place
- my cat and dog live here
- good kitchen facilities
- they have a dryer
- always have good biscuits for dunking in tea

cons:
- parents tell you to do stuff
- parents constantly remind you about your lack of direction in life
- parents walk into your room without knocking and saying 'what are you doing' and for a moment revert back to a teen via thinking 'get out of my room muuum'
- no wireless internet??
- it's just kind of weird right

nectarine graveyard

today i have felt a mixture of 'so much' and 'nothing'

last night i was thinking about how this feels on my brain and it's like someone is trying to make my head some sort of square shape. like a prism sticking out from my temples.
this is the kind of day where i can't wipe the sad off my face.

there was a night not long ago where all i could do was go home, put fleetwood mac on repeat & do dishes & be on the verge of crying. it seemed lovely to have stevie nicks constantly reiterating my feelings

there was one morning where we were at the sink in my kitchen and i was wearing a giant t shirt as pyjamas and you wouldn't look away from my eyes as always

i am getting worry all over everything

30/07/12

sitting on the floor of my room eating 'cheesy aliens'

today i walked down the main street of the city and it seemed like i was in a movie montage, if the movie montage showed dumb girls wearing beanies feeling sad yet strangely empowered

the city is a good place to feel lonely
but really, anywhere is

i remember feeling the most alive as i looked at the wild sea through a bus window

i pushed my emotions somewhere into the periphery
they sink beneath the sea

i don't know if i had ever seen the sea that colour before
or if the colour even has a name

i am interested in the things that cannot be named

all i know is that the waves spat at the rocks its heavy foam
and i watched as it sprayed upwards
the waves are so tiny now
all the tiny little waves

sometimes feeling fucked is okay
the recklessness that it entitles
i look forward to that

"there's nothing inside me you need to know"

i found a note about a dream i had:

found a patch of grass by a river, it was beautiful
we wriggled into the water and the waves hit us
the water felt like air, nothing had texture
i felt afraid

i'm too tired not to be with you
but i think that's a quote from a movie

i forget what i love all the time

+

- mittens
- tempeh sandwich w curly fries from sweet mothers kitchen
- tea
- sleeping bag
- wellington
- alice, eamonn, hamish, jono, maddy, meredith, hannah, jackson
- people from christchurch
- soup
- 1Q84
- iphones
- vacuuming
- woollen socks
- takahe
- kaka
- vege nachos
- beanies w poms
- natalie chin
- minimizing
- these poems by richard brautigan: karma repair kit: items 1-4, map shower, your catfish friend, love poem
- silence

a little life bloge

last night me and my flatmate ashleigh went to do yarn bombing for the first time
it is very serious and fun
i suggest you try it
we are going to do it more with other textiles

in other news it finally got hot in the uk and i am watching true blood

18/07/12

talking to susie on gchat
saying we want to cry because things are weird
can we hide under this table

i tell her that i feel like the soggy bits of biscuit left at the end of a cup of tea

the other day my friend was talking to me about 'lifefriends' and she told me that i was one of hers

i told her she was one of my 'lifefriends' and i meant it

susie just said 'i love knowing people'

eating chocolate in bed now with my laptop on my belly
this is my version of the fetal position

it seems like we are always asking each other if we feel bad
do we feel bad

feeling good or bad seems to have little to do with being alone and everything to do with just being

i like the kind of sadness i feel whilst i am driving and listening to mix cds that i made a year ago

i don't remember noticing the sky today
i know it was blue because i wore my sunglasses
i felt sunshine and cold

i wore my black jeans with the hole in the bum, a thermal, my grandma's old jumper, my maroon beanie

i probably wear my maroon beanie 4/7 days a week on average
the hole in my jeans is getting quite big now

i think i am tired of talking about love

who cares what it is
we feel it and that's enough

the best things are usually contained in our silences, anyway

okay gonna eat this hokey pokey chocolate bar

london, being sad, reading

for a while now i have wanted to do a blog post about the things i miss from back home or like generally write about living away for this long
i am a lazy writer and i don't know what to say anyway
occasionally i think that london is kicking the shit out of me, i wake up and think that a few times a week, usually going down the same staircase at clapham junction station where this morning there was this aryan type boy selling greek yoghurt
the best part of my life for the past month has been sitting by the river in twickenham across from this island called 'eel pie island' and hanging out near hundreds of geese, a few ducks and some swans
although last weekend it was crispin's birthday and kirsty and stephen came to visit and i felt overwhelming amounts of affection for them all, i think it occurred to me how i will actually miss something about here
because for basically the whole time i've been here i have felt mostly miserable, and generally i figure this is the most miserable i've been in my whole life, but i'm not sure whether that's because i've finished uni and i guess i'm meant to just work now instead of getting more knowledge (or whatever i was doing there)
but then it seems like maybe this is just what the rest of life is, trying to find a nicer job and trying to not be sad about the way that the weeks consistently unfold, (that great gatsby quote "so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past"), or not being with the people you love, or not knowing who it is you love, trying to be a better version of yourself, running out of time, not having enough money, i guess that's pretty much it, feels sad to be constantly aware of that

i have been trying to read a lot more as a way to get away from this and also to try and find inspiration to write in a way that i don't hate (it is difficult to not hate what i am writing right now)

things i have read: a book about a pedophile, a book about two weird sisters who killed their entire family, a book of essays about 'home', a book about broken hill (mining town in australia), a book about a japanese lady who moves to england, a book about some rich teenagers who accidentally kill someone then have to kill their friend to cover it up.

it's silly because i always accepted that this year i would just have no friends, no money and be lonely a lot and that i would read more books than i had in a long time, which i guess is what's ended up happening.

there are some small beautiful moments in london life, like getting 2 buses home because trains aren't running and seeing the ole olympic rings on tower bridge, every time i go past the shard i think of crispin yelling "the SHARD" in a drunken state, walking through crystal palace and seeing the london skyline all lit up and nice, hearing people talking on the bus is funny to me.. and i sort of like the weird routine of seeing the same people waiting for the 8.43 train at gipsy hill, the reliably late south west trains, getting coffee from australians at the clapham junction pretzel place, making up dumb songs with my flatmates who are the only reason i am still alive here today, getting to know properly what a welsh accent is, taking people to see the dinosaurs in crystal palace park

i wish i could stop being incensed by cath kidston

i guess these things aren't interesting(?)

i wanted to blog for a while about some more cameos in my life, like people who i have worked with this year, i think that will be the next post that i do ok

winter 2012

05/07/12

you pick chip crumbs off my jumper and then eat them

a lot of the time i think intimacy is just about dumb things like that

i just want pasta & warmth & you

remember you saying that i don't give a fuck about anything
and i said yeah, but i give a fuck about you

my friend told me that i didn't believe in anything but love
i said yeah

there is talk of spain, canada, london, new york, anywhere but here

days&days&days&days

i feel surprised at how easily someone else's life can merge with my own
it's as easy as opening your duvet and letting a warm body inside

sneezing is a lot like having an orgasm

getting used to someone holding me tightly in the night but i won't have that soon

it's annoying because i was fine sleeping alone before, preferred it even

whenever i lose people i think

at least i still have myself
when will that ever feel okay

i'm tired and my hair is weird

these are the things that a trumpet solo in a bright eyes song creates

today it feels like a real shame that other people have to see me
when i look into a mirror i am imagining my skeleton instead of all the flesh and other bits on top of myself
there's a heaviness that starts from just underneath my eyes and goes all over my limbs and right down to my horrible horrible feet
i'm imagining a lot of viscous black things, walking into the earth down tunnels to large pools of tar-like substances, miscellaneous coloured air swirling in an ominous way
actually i am lying on my bed staring at the ceiling leaning to one side wondering if i should go see if a flatmate is home, maybe if we get stoned together i will feel better. or if i go to the shop and buy wine... but i am in pyjamas.. why did i decide to stop smoking. i want to eat but i really don't
this day consisted of forgetting, mostly
i have developed the ability to sit and stare into nothing and just touch different parts of my face occasionally
i love how some people feel really entitled to depression
in the last ten minutes i have seen three different cats outside my bedroom window and forgotten about good posture approximately five times
one of the things that i am obsessed with touching on my face is my eyebrows, i am obsessed with their appearance and i generally feel terrible if they are not seen to every 2 days or so
i genuinely feel that there are no organs in me, that i am just an abcess who's somehow grown features
that my body is just flesh that has been moulded into a person over time, thanks to the encouragement of a few clothing items
actually i did not wear a bra until i was 15 or probably 16 even though i knew i was meant to
i asked mum for one through a note one day, to this day she has only ever bought me 1 bra
just trying to think of things to do instead of eating but i am vaguely hopeful that eating will elevate my mood or at least a cup of tea might
i feel spoiled like in the egg way not the other way

Hands Like Mirrors 2012

Last year about this time Stacey and I put together a little poetry anthology that we called "Hands Like Mirrors". At the time we wanted to support a lot of our Aus/NZ blogger poet friends and anybody else who was unsure about what they would call themselves or their writing, but knew they couldn't keep their words to themselves. 


We've been blogging here for nearly three years and for probably about half of that time have been reading poetry online that we adore. If you look at our blog you can see a giant list of the poetry sites, blogs and journals we love reading and honestly the list could be a lot longer. We felt there were some qualities we liked in the poetry we read online that was missing in local print poetry journals. These qualities we summarised in the blurb for last year's HLM:

The best things about the poetry that has flourished online are that it is honest, accessible, funny, unsure, changeable, sad, sexy, easy, lame, says everything, says nothing, says exactly what you want to say but can't work out how to, seems bleak, feels right, feels wrong, feels a bit rough, just makes you feel. 


I don't think anything has changed since we wrote that blurb. Over the last twelve months the "internet lit scene" has frankly boomed. An enormous boon. And understandably, we want to support those antipodean poets again with our lil ole journal. So we are really excited to tell you we've decided to make a second issue!


What you need to know:

First: You must be a resident of either Australia or New Zealand to submit (sorry! we do actually love everyone though)

Poetry submissions:
Please send up to 3 poems, with a maximum of 100 lines for each. Any kind of poem, any subject.

Fiction submissions:
Short fiction rather than long, think under 1000 words. No more than 2 stories. You can send poems as well, but be kind.

Drawings/illustrations:
We'd love to have drawings in this issue. If you do comics or graphic art or generally make strange shapes, we want it. Send us 2-3 things and potentially we may ask you to draw for a particular piece.

Everyone:
- Max 5 submissions per person please, we are only two people!
- Attach submissions in a word doc with 'Hands Like Mirrors' and your
name in the title
- In the document include a bio of no more than 50 words, in third person
- We will try to respond to you in the month after the submission deadline
- Email to hlmpoetry@gmail.com
- Deadline Sunday 2nd September 2012


If you are an Australian/NZer and you write things you should send us a lil something. If you know anyone who would be interested you should tell them about it too. Excerpts, videos, pictures and other 2011 HLM stuff is available here. You can probably buy one still if you like. 

Finally, if you've got any questions, send an email or leave us a comment. And if you know anyone whose writing sounds like something we would like, leave a comment with a link or an example.


Be yourself. Be brave. Submit.

yesterday i went to see best coast

getting there made 2 mistakes: thought it Shepherd's Bush was on the district line. it is not, so I stood like a dingus staring at the tube map at Victoria and then just asked the guard how to get to there

wore my "flatform" shoes because they are a) comfy and b) make me real tall so I knew I would be able to see over tallies good

was concerned about getting home from the gig midweek, had to check last trains home and at the station some Americans asked me how to get to the Picadilly line, suckas

got there, bought a "gaymers" cider (really?)

wanted to buy a best coast tshirt with a bear on it. I like to buy merch at concerts because I download most of the music I listen to and one time I heard that bands make most of their money from concerts anyway (y/n?), the girl at the merch desk was nice and interacted with me in a friendly way which i appreciated

dithered trying to work out where to sit, just ended up pushing halfway into the crowd. going to gigs alone is good because you can just smoosh yourself in anywhere. i got pretty close to the front, had a legit view, was standing near some sort of eastern european lot

i missed the opening acts because i had stayed at home watching the hairy biker's 'mum knows best'

best coast came on and they were really flat for about 15 minutes i thought, it seemed like the sound was pretty crap and i felt upset and i could see people enjoying it more than me and i thought "why am i not enjoying this" and then thought about what i would write when i could write about it

bethany's hair was less red than i thought it was irl

the encore was probably the best part, they came back on and played "i want to" and i sang really loudly like the biggest dingus in the park, just really got into it. they did a cover of fleetwood mac's song "storms" which was utterly stunning and it was like omg, this is why i love this band

the band that supported them came out and they did a cover of blink 182's song "damages" and that was also pretty enjoyable

they finished, lights came on, i waited for the crowd to disperse and rolled a cig to the left side of the stage where i could see two teenage girls fighting for the set list. one of the girls ripped off a corner and scurried back to her friend, they probably both posted about it on tumblr (just had that thought, impulsively, should i look up a picture of the set list on tumblr? feel intrigued about this)

walked home feeling pretty good about everything, just wanted to sing "summer mood" at the top of my lungs. realised how tired i was getting train to clapham junction and the overground was being shit and some trains just didn't appear and it really sucked,,,,,, i wrote emo things in my notebook on the stairs at clapham junction ,,,,,, my flatmate was high when i got home, her eyes were red and she said "i'm watching a really good darren aronofsky film"

20/06/12

sitting in a dim room with you opposite me, we are both on our computers and eating from the same bag of chips which is in between us

you just started gchatting me, we are talking on gchat now and not acknowledging that we are doing this irl

today on the bus you were trying to explain something to me about this band you liked and i was looking up at you and i saw an older lady looking at me and smiling really big and i realised it's because of the way i was looking at you

you favorite all of my tweets

you just tweeted something and i said no you should change it to this, and you changed it

you just put on iron and wine, we looked at each other and smiled then looked back at our computers, seemed good

just asked you if you wanted the rest of my plain ass roll

sometimes when you are speaking i think 'omg you are american' in an american accent

you are wearing a beanie, i am wearing a beanie

caught you looking at me, i say "what" and you say "nothing", feel like this has happened a lot

both moving our heads slightly while we listen to 'unfoolish remix' by ashanti

there is no music playing now, all i can hear is the sound of us typing and the heavy rain outside

People are just podcasts 7

Hey friends. It is time for another people are just podcasts. This is how we looked while we were reading them. The whole time.

It features poems/writing by Kerry Giangrande, Michael Inscoe, Gregory Sherl, Laurie Sauborn Young, Wendy Xu, Nate Pritts, Natalie Chin, Hilary Gardiner, Courtney King Kampa, Willis Plummer, Molly Kat, Mira Gonzalez, Elisabeth Murray and both Susie and I, guest readings by Alice May Connolly, Omar de Col and selected tweets from various babin' babes.

notes re: i am my own betrayal by guillaume morissette

 (playing a game called 'i zip this kitten up in my jacket')

- i like the weight of this paper
- like this: "on Facebook, people don't feel like people, they feel like smaller versions of themselves. kind of like standing on a rooftop and looking down and seeing people from afar as small and insignificant and ant-like and then thinking, 'i could crush them like party cups'. (this textedit doc always capitalizes the 'f' in Facebook and i don't understand why and please stop)
- liked the bit about 'the beginning of my inner life' - before i started reading i was thinking about 'inner lives' and i even wrote this on my blog: 'something about what it means to let a person into your inner life and them letting you into theirs, seems insane that that ever happens'
- 'this morning i have downsized my life to a cup of tea and a rectangle that allows me to click on things or people that i'll never have or be'
- seems accurate: "self love is a mental state
i can only reach through severe confusion"
- i like how he writes stories and that i can relate to things in his stories, i feel interested
- "you don't need love. it's extraneous, just a sad and desperate attempt at human relevance. it doesn't help" (the things we tell ourselves)
- lots of things about relationships and missing people
- he says that intimacy is addictive, yes, i feel like intimacy is different than sex and i'm not sure which one i'm less afraid of
- reading this the next day, i like the texture of the pages, i rubbed it on my face and it felt good, i went into the lounge and rubbed it on one of my flatmate's faces too
- feel like this book has made me think about things, and inspired me to write, the last book that made me feel this way was 'don't die alone' by michael inscoe
- i liked the story about the gaming, i like the 'introverted programmer' character
- i read all of this book whilst sitting in bed in my room alone, at some points i ate ice-cream
- really liked the story 'karpman drama triangle', i liked how he wrote it from each character's point of view
- "she liked mark, esteemed him even, liked his inner life, especially in comparison to joel, whose dialogue with himself was probably the sound outer space makes" - people's inner lives seem important to me, if i am seeing someone who is like the 'joel' character, i close myself off in a way, because i know that our inner lives could never meet
- just rubbed the book on my face again, i recommend this
- other things that i did whilst reading this book: binge ate corn chips, petted a cat, talked to people on gchat, cleaned my hard drive
- finished the book, felt good, told willis on gchat that i liked it a lot
- i closed the book, stared at the cover for a while, then inserted it into the poetry section of my bookshelf, sat back down on my bed, resumed staring at computer

03/06/12

today my flat mate was frying meat in a pan and i thought the sizzling sounded like a waterfall so i told my friends to close their eyes and imagine that

i keep thinking about inner lives and about sex and about how you fell off your chair and we laughed for so long

1) something about what it means to let a person into your inner life and them letting you into theirs, seems insane that that ever happens

2) sex is weird but okay/good i guess

3) i don't think i felt interested in you until after you did that

i spent my day hungover spooning my friends on a mattress on our deck
seemed life affirming

i feel very aware of the moon always

the moon is a constant reminder that human life is sad and beautiful and temporary, i like this feeling very much

my friend said something to me about 'pda' but she accidentally called it 'pdf' and i think we need to spend less time on our computers

i look forward to fitting my whole life in a suitcase

people always say to me 'you must be excited' and i say 'yeah'
but it's just another thing
new things to be worried about to replace old things

who cares